This past December, there was one film that was on everyone’s tongues: Cats (2019). The Tom Hooper adaptation was by no means a masterpiece, but it did spawn some of the strangest, most enthusiastic conversations in modern internet history. Cats was a once in a generation mess that lead to rowdy screenings and a revival as to whether the show is actually any good. For those who were new to the world of theater, specifically in the vein of composer Andrew Lloyd Webber, it’s a culture shock like no other. For everyone else, they finally got a chance to lean in, whisper in their ears a chilling secret: if you thought THAT was weird, then you haven’t heard of Starlight Express.
What is Starlight Express (abbreviated as StEx)? To put it simply, it’s not a musical but a lifestyle. Entering the world of StEx, you’re immediately inundated with one of the most baffling stories in Broadway history. The fact that it could even call itself a Broadway show is crazy given that the show needs an arena-sized set to build these elaborate ramps for actors to roller skate while singing. Yes, if you’ve heard of this show it’s more in the broad strokes. You know that this is the moment where Webber went nutso, making the most gauche production in history. You don’t know whether or not to take him seriously because despite making Evita and Phantom of the Opera, he also made a show that once added a FOURTH character named Rocky following the popularity of the film Rocky IV (1985).
This is the issue with StEx. The story started as a combination of failed ideas. The most noteworthy ideas came from failed projects. He wanted to make adaptations of “Cinderella” and “Thomas the Tank Engine” as well as the Earl Jordan song “Engine of Love” where he was able to sing three notes at once.
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| Well, thankfully he got Cinderella out of his system... |
To make things even better/worse, the show as of its original cast recording is such a shameless time capsule of the early 80s. If you can find ANY piece of entertainment that finds the cross-section as deftly as this, I’d love to see it. The most obvious was the roller skating fad, which makes the most sense to base a show around. After Cats introduced audiences to professional dance, who doesn’t want to see razzle-dazzle on skates? The rest is where things get tricky. It’s not just the new wave soundtrack, but the incorporation of early rap, a revival of blues (likely thanks to The Blues Brothers (1980)), disco, and probably the drag race from Grease (1978).
This was because Webber wanted to make a show that appealed to the masses. As a man who constantly wants to reinvent theater, it made sense to try roller skates. It’s insane given the likelihood of injury, but you definitely want to see this oddity. The composer also has gone on record of saying that this was a show more geared towards boys who weren’t allowed to go to the theater. This was going to be the trendiest show in the world, constantly updated to appeal to the changing market.
Nowhere are you likely to question “what’s your deal?” more than assessing the show through the idea that this was targeted at boys. Much like Cats, there is this sexual subtext. Unlike Cats, it feels a whole lot more obvious. The first true song, “Rolling Stock,” includes this little ditty:
You got no lovers if you got no wheels
Come on and heat me up the way you do
And I can keep it going longer than you
Don't stop now, you gotta keep it going all night
Yeah no, in a show that includes the song “Belle the Sleeping Car” that alludes to a lonely prostitute, this show is such a triumph in hormones. Everyone wants to get together with each other, and that leads to some interesting directions. There are those more conventional romances all built around the central race. We have emotional stakes in these characters – all people dressed as train thingies – and we’re enraptured by the action when the race finally kicks in.
And the worst part? You are in love with that race because Webber is such a great composer. You can insult him for picking the most godawful projects sometimes, but try and not get caught up in the musicality of his work. Cats resonate because the goofy melodies get stuck in your head. As the orchestra builds for “Race: The Final,” he creates these shameless synths making you feel like you’re at a laser show. You almost need to not pay attention to the logic of this show and just take in the beautiful colors. It doesn’t matter when you got dudes doing backflips on roller skates. The awe of the human body becomes very clear here, if just because you watched a man cheat a concussion for another performance.
Then there is the music itself. Webber claimed that he wanted to make it a show that changed with the times. It may be the most disappointing piece of this puzzle because nowhere does StEx stand out than on the original recording from 1984. It’s because of how much of a time it is that you become enamored by its shameless cheese. It’s one of the only places where you can hear early interpretations of rap (“The Rap”) alongside blues (“Poppa’s Blues”) and power ballads (“Starlight Express”) in such a manner that you are transported back to an era.
A lot of people will say that this is a terrible idea. However, I would say that you clearly aren’t ready for the lunacy of how this project is assembled. It isn’t Rock of Ages. It’s not just combining styles and expecting us to keep up. No, there is a lot of subtext in who gets assigned one style. There is a race between the two styles of train: electric and steam engine. The former is the younger characters who play like a Day-Glo street gang while the latter sound like people doing B.B. King impersonations. I don’t know exactly what all the trains look like, but I assume he wears overalls and a big conductor hat. Add in that there are characters from all around the world doing different positions on the train, this is such a densely planned story for something that is inherently stupid.
The one thing that makes sense about StEx’s success is that children love toys. Certain kids like me will gravitate more towards the Hot Wheels cars that I raced around the floor of my home. However, there are others who love the idea of setting up a track and watching a train set move around in a circle. There’s no denying that there’s something exciting about watching your toys come to life. That explains why the show takes place inside “Control,” who is a little boy imagining the greatest race of all time. Considering that it also centers around a train named Rusty looking for the Starlight Express (can you guess who it actually is?), you’d figure that this is such a wonderful, innocent show that looks lovingly at the world of trains, right?
Well… remember how “Rolling Stock” has a bunch of sexual innuendos? That’s not even the most confusing part. If this was truly geared at boys, there would be far less nuance when it came to the female characters. They wouldn’t have “A Lotta Locomotion” introduce three cars including “Ashley the smoking car” or how Pearl’s “springs still bounce, my fans still whirl.” They wouldn’t have passionate songs like “U.N.C.O.U.P.L.E.D.” to reflect the romance in the story. Don’t you know… girls have cooties. Yuck! Also, who cares about those old locomotives? Why do we need to deal with Poppa?
It’s hilarious to think that this is how Webber thought he’d appeal to children. There have been better examples of shows transcending to kids. We think of Annie, You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown, or more recently with Matilda. While the conceit is rather brilliant given how kids love action the rest begins to seem silly. Why do we need romance or sympathetic female characters (not that I'm against it)? This is of course because Webber is more in tune with the theater world than what the cool kids are doing. This is supposed to be in a child’s imagination, St. Elsewhere style, but what kids are thinking about this?
There’s nothing wrong with this world, but by adding traditional theatrics and love stories, he makes the one idiosyncratic note. Worse yet, the idea of seeing trains fall in love is weird enough, but what about Electra?
Oh, you haven’t heard of Electra?
Yes, in a show that allows every archetype to be explored, it has plenty of time to include Electra. The song already feels strange compared to the rest of the album, full of this sinister wonder. What’s his deal? There are other electric trains out there, and yet here is Electra making a big deal about being touched and that “I can switch and change my frequency.”
As innocent as that sounds, this show doesn’t feel like it goes for a single entendre. No, it needs to go for as many as possible. There is a whole community of StEx fans who create art dedicated to exploring each character’s sexuality. Electra is clearly bisexual while the history of shipping other trains has produced some unique perspectives. You thought that Cats was hormonal with every character side-eying each other into bed? It feels like Electra is the center pin on this board to prove that this is much hornier. Rolling Stock indeed.
I think the most interesting way to look at this is to figure out what’s the deal with Control. Sure, you can understand well enough why he wants to play with trains. But, what’s up with everything else? Why is he so obsessed with the inner lives of these trains – and do they say anything about his real life? I’m sure you can make the case for most of it, but how do you explain why so much of the mechanical imagery feels sexual? Was society really that simple-minded back then? Surely Webber’s time hanging around flamboyant theater kids didn’t make this all a winking nod to them hooking up in the dressing room. It’s hard to say. With that said, it’s fascinating to read Control as grappling with his sexuality through fiction, especially when they look like this…
To be totally honest, the look is my least favorite thing about this. It really does feel like watching Webber do a line of cocaine and approving the first thing he drew. Everything about the show is honestly far better than it has any right to be. I am aware that this has been constantly updated with one show even dropping 12 of the songs. Many elements have been called racist or misogynistic. I credit the show for constantly evolving, but to know that Webber once saw a recent production and said that it “lost its way” and needed vast rewrites is extremely amusing. I am scared to see the updates because I imagine it’ll be like watching Star Wars (1977) following the edits (maclunkey!). It is and isn’t the same. Still, knowing that they updated character names to reflect the time gets far more annoying when you realize that they include: Nintendo, Manga, Rocky 4, and Brexit.
As much as I’m fine with this show being the most dated thing in the world, it’s unfortunate that it removes the resonance that the original production did. To me, this show is wonderful in the way that Webber’s work manages to be. It’s able to create an earworm in 30 seconds and I don’t hate too many of the songs. This isn’t Love Never Dies-level bad. If nothing else, you want to witness the audacity of this very stupid idea. Even then, I feel like it’s more accomplished than Cats in presenting a coherent story that you can understand through the music. The only difference is that Cats is a more palatable kind of weird and doesn’t need half of England building a ramp for a limited engagement. Also, Cats has “Memory.” Even in the endless additions, StEx doesn’t have anything but sheer horniness.
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| There's even a podcast where they interview alumni |
It’s not a great show and it does feel like Webber is somewhat clueless about what kids want to watch. However, it’s such a fascinating look into his earnestness that you can’t help but admire the craft. This shouldn’t exist at all. Theater should be on stage. Phantom of the Opera cheekily makes you care about theater by making you feel like you’re watching a theater on the actual stage. That should be enough. Instead, StEx wants to go bigger, bolder, and more grotesque. None of the songs may be as timeless, but everything else from its concept to queer subtext makes this a delightful peek into what it was like to be alive in 1984. All of these cultures were colliding at once, and in some ways, that’s better than this being something that’s actually great.
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