Taking a Moment to Say Goodbye

Ever since 2013, I have made it a tradition to watch Life of Pi (2012) on March 14, better known as Pi Day. I think that it started as a joke because I am someone who loves fitting things into boxes. Much like you watch Christmas movies in December, I make it an occasion to put that movie on and take in the magic. To me, there hasn’t been a movie with better use of CGI in the eight years since. There’s been many that you could write off as more convincing, but Life of Pi remains its own strange beast, capable of being so many things at once.

I’m talking about how it manages to be a collision of science and religion or seeing and believing. What is real and what is just computer-generated imagery. If I ever had the patience and resources, I would totally make an essay breaking down the excellent ways that director Ang Lee reflects these two sides of humanity clashing against each other in one dazzling masterpiece. I’d argue that even if the special effect that is Richard Parker the Bengal Tiger (it was a shipment error) begins to look dated, the use of technology within the film will still hold relevance to the story. Everything about it is powerful, managing to show a greater acceptance of the world than I think any religious movie has ever done before or since.

For years I’ve seen it more as this story of a man, Pi Patel, trying to convince a reporter of the existence of God. Every time I would come away with this profound feeling that I had witnessed one of the greatest stories that the 21st century has produced. With each passing year, the nuance grows and I see the journey of a man stranded at sea as something more relevant than a current washing underneath. It’s about holding onto faith in the unknown, where the world could look hopeless. 

I can’t call myself overly religious. There are aspects of organized religion that I often find conflicting, but Catholicism informs a lot of my identity, whether it’s the guilt or need to be kind and considerate. I have an issue expressing it because I recognize the taboos, the need to notice what’s wrong with aspects of the church. That, and we have few directors outside of Martin Scorsese and Greta Gerwig who can treat the experience with a considerate nuance that isn’t playing the martyr card in place of a more compelling story. 

That’s largely why Life of Pi has resonated. Every year I get this moment to find something different in the story. It’s one of the world existing in harmony with each other. There is an understanding across cultures, beliefs, and species. And at the center is Irrfan Khan as the adult Pi, who has the thankless role of narrating the entire story. You’d be forgiven for not noticing his work in comparison to Young Pi’s Suraj Sharma. Sharma has more of the physical demands, the showier scenes that you’re likely to leave remembering because they’re what Lee is selling this film on.

However, I want you to play a game with yourself. What is lost when the voice-over is taken out? While there is this belief that the technique is lazy and compensates for a lack of clarity in direction, I think in Pi’s case it is essential. While he’s aboard the boat, he’s often quiet, doing everything to conserve energy as the next issue arises. Without the voice-over, this is a different movie. It becomes more centered around action, less about anything that is associated with the spiritual side of things. This is a story about duality, and a lot of Pi’s journey is not understood on the surface because, seriously, who is he going to talk to about it?

A thing that only becomes clear towards the end is how much adult Pi has shaped this story into something richer. This is a story about self-reflection, looking at past decisions, and finding ways to make them have this deeper meaning to his character. Whether or not you believe that this fantastical story happened (I do) will say more about yourself. Are you someone who wants to believe that there are forces guiding us to fate, or is it all just coincidence? Add in that Pi is throwing in all of these personal tidbits about his mistakes through life reflects a maturity that young Pi just could never have without being an unconvincing character.

Before I get into why I owe a lot of thanks to Irrfan Khan’s performance, I need to step back and share a bit about myself.

In December 2018, my cat Tiger passed away. He was an orange tabby going on 18 and he was reaching that age. You know the one if you have an elderly feline sitting on a pillow in your room. He had arthritis and some in my family would argue that he was growing senile.

Even as you saw him losing weight and beginning to limp, you had this sense that he was built like a tank. He was built to last, as he had outlived a handful of my other cats by a good decade. He was always there and whenever I came home, I would look for him. No matter his age, he came to life and called out for me. In the later years, I had to come to him, hidden underneath a chair or in a secluded spot. Even at his worst, he seemed like he would make it out just fine. Nothing was going to take him down.

In my adult life, he was one of the first great losses. I had predicted that moment for a good seven years, and as a result, I gave him love as often as I could. I didn’t want my last memory with him to be one of regret. I think that it informed a lot of my affection towards him. In all of my years, I didn’t want him to leave. There was no cat like him in my life, if just because he was there through my formative years. I could find a new cat that loves me the same, but Tiger had more than affection, he had the experience of being there during my youth when I needed a companion at night. 

There was something wonderfully ironic about his life, like he would outlive everything. On the day that he got the paralyzed back leg, we went to an animal hospital across the street from an empty lot. Even on his last day, it was fun to be reminded that so much had come and gone in those years. It was only outdone by the fact that his first moment's post-mortem found him being transported to his burial as a dog yelled at him. He was one of those cats who didn’t find barks threatening, and we loved him for that.

It’s been about 16 months of this point and there are days that it hurts more than others. I can’t look at a picture of him yet without feeling a certain sadness. I think of all I’ve done since and wished that I could say that he was there to witness all of it. No matter what, those great days fill me with warmth, our time together lacking many regrets. I am thankful to have been there in his final moments, able to say goodbye in my own way. He looked peaceful, gone forever in all but a memory. No matter how much I wanted to form another memory, this was for the best. His health was only going to get worse, and Christmas was within the next few weeks. The image would be too morbid for me to call that our last moment together.

Which brings me back to Life of Pi. 

I hadn’t given it much thought between December 2018 and when I went to watch it Pi Day 2019. Then the small things began to hit. As I watched it, I heard Irrfan Khan’s narration throughout the film, I found small things ringing truer than they had originally done. Where I had seen it (albeit from a more impersonal standpoint) and judged it more from a thematic level, I don’t think that I had engaged with it on the level of humanity.

One of the clearest came when young Pi was first confronted with Richard Parker. His family had told him that he was dangerous, likely to bite his head off. Even then, there’s adult Pi looking at the tiger walking away, talking about how he saw the humanity in his eyes. Was it a real experience, or was he seeing what he wanted to see in this beast? At no point does Richard Parker convey human behavior. He is a Bengal Tiger whose sole connection to Pi is that they were both born at the same zoo, even if they were under different circumstances. They were parallels of human and animal learning to coexist. Still, there was something about his eyes that Pi latches onto…

And I think subliminally that informed why this film resonated. There’s no reason to believe that Pi and Richard Parker were ever friends, and yet they had gone on this journey together. They experienced the same storms, watched as flying fish fell into their boat, and a mysterious carnivorous island saved them from inherent danger. Regardless as to whether Richard Parker existed the way that he did, there is an understanding that Pi believed that this tiger helped him survive, if just by trying to rip Pi’s head off.

I had imagined Life of Pi from the perspective of having my own cat before, but suddenly I understand what adult Pi was talking about. Even if he withholds his affection for Richard Parker, it symbolizes so much of his life. He has taken for granted their time together.

As they land on the Mexican beach, he watches as Richard Parker walks away. Pi wants him to do something that rejects his animalistic nature. Pi desperately wants him to look back and acknowledge the journey they had gone on. 

Suddenly this story becomes about more than traveling across the sea. The voice-over’s bigger intent becomes clear. Pi was reflecting on a life where he took the relationships in his life for granted. His girlfriend in India was gone when he traveled to America. His family drowned at sea. Now there was Richard Parker, his only companion for however long. Even if they weren’t friends, it was a moment that made him realize something profound:

"I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye."

I think of this line in light of Irrfan Khan’s passing this week. In a career full of great and significant roles, this was the one that I latched onto and I don’t think I realized how much it meant to me until I saw it from his perspective. On Pi Day 2019, I heard that line and had forgotten any previous memory of it. It was now a line and a moment that hit harder because I understood it in my personal life. Tiger was only the start of my goodbyes in the next calendar year. Grandparents passed, and every time I would think of that line and feel grateful that I had spent so many significant days with them. Not only that, but I had an opportunity to make our final moments matter, whether they were days or years apart.

I know that one actor is more than one part, but there is something strange about when you find one who captures an aspect of humanity so well that it becomes a piece of inseparable wisdom. With Irrfan Khan’s performance as Pi, I saw a man looking back on his life, trying to find deeper meaning in his journey. What he found was something simple but very true. We all take for granted our time on this Earth, and the need to be kind to each other should be a top priority. I am unsure if I’ll find Pi Day 2021 more ominous without him, though I thank him for entering my life for just that one moment and reminding me of gratitude that I myself took for granted. Even that line didn’t mean much until the sixth or seventh time that I saw Life of Pi. In light of his passing, I want to take this moment to say goodbye and thank you for bettering my life with your talented acting career. We never met, but in some ways I wouldn’t be the same without you.