In the pandemic, there are few truths that have been as accurate as the absence of sports. Whereas film has found a way to adapt (for now), the idea of watching a bunch of people getting together in the same enclosed space to determine which team is better still seems daunting, if just because of the potential for COVID-19 to spread worse than it already is. The quarantine has done plenty to subside the virus, and with enough time we can hopefully return to a normal life. Still, it’s hard to not dream about who would’ve won the NBA Championship at this point. Were The Los Angeles Clippers going to pull through over The Lakers, and was anyone ever going to beat The Milwaukee Bucks?
We can only speculate about most of it, but there’s still no replacing the real thing. The feeling of healthy competition and uncertain maneuvers that can change the game at the drop of a hat. We need it if just to keep us excited and dreaming about the next game.
So what is there? There has to be something that can fill our hearts with that craving that we sorely need. While some things have returned to their regularly scheduled programming, the big ones are still off the table, whether from a compassionate management team, or players who are still afraid of Coronavirus. We’re living in uncertain times, and there has to be something that’s constant, keeping us sane and focused…
That’s why I’m thankful to have Holey Moley in my life.
Okay, so it’s not live sports. As far as I can guess, this was filmed months ago while producer/dad joke extraordinaire Steph Curry was recovering from his arm injury. I wonder how this will impact Holey Moley, given that this includes a segment where he is seen entering a putting competition against a robot. Maybe it won’t be so obvious, but I can’t help but feel like we’re in a Happy Gilmore (1996) scenario, where the little things amount to a great pain that ultimately cost him that perfect swing.
I won’t fault you if you think that Holey Moley is one of the dumbest ideas to ever exist. You get the sense that Curry was sitting around after a game and somebody asked him what his dream show would be.
He’d be there, leaning forward while wiping sweat off of his brow. With his mouth guard hanging out of the side of his mouth, he raises his hands and says. “Guys, I got this great idea. What if it’s a putt-putt golf competition? But… BUT, what if it’s, you know, like… extreme! People falling from the sky, sliding down ramps, and being smacked by windmills! A-HA! It’s so brilliant, ain’t it? I tell you, it’s GENIUS!”
As he goes to put the mouth guard back in, a TV executive left over from the press briefing rushes in and tells him that he has a deal with ABC. Maybe it’s that Curry had a great night, but he jumps up and signs the sheet without reading the fine print. While making a large loop on the ‘S’, he continues spouting out ideas, such as a distraction course where golfers have to deal with drill sergeants, mimes, and whatever the crew thinks will work.
As the TV executive begins to walk away, Curry yells from across the room. “Oh, and one more thing…”
“Yes?” the TV executive responds.
“Make sure to get a golden left-handed putter as the prize.” Curry would say, giving a final nod as he returns to his chair.
And so it was done. Curry’s lifelong dream has come true.
In 2019, the first season premiered over the summer, featuring color commentary from Rob Riggle and Joe Tessitore. It’s at best a satire of what you’d expect from any other game that The P.G.A. plays. Everything is heightened, creating this absurd ambition to be the best mini-golf player in whatever legal jurisdiction that Holey Moley actually has. You wouldn’t think that golf could be as fun as any hour where the pros mix with a series of novelty players that make this a delightful celebration.
At its core, putt-putt golf was always a game of strategy. Go to anyplace that will give you those colored balls and you’ll find the windmills and tubes, forcing you to strategize the quickest, most efficient way to get to the hole. Sometimes it even requires geometry, calculating angles in order to make the shot ricochet off the right number of barriers to reach its destination. Because of its abstract challenge, there is often a huge reason to celebrate when one hole goes well. Most of us would be impatient, unwilling to score properly (after all, it’s a negative experience). We lie to ourselves because this game is silly, existing more for a mediocre date night than a deeper fulfillment.
Then again, Curry is a golf nut who has become less timid about making that clear the more famous that he gets. He’ll star in commercials selling credit cards while dressed in a polo shirt on a course. To have him become the headmaster of Holey Moley is a wonderful subversion of what we know, allowing him to splice in goofy jokes that muse on the very concept of mini-golf. One of the more noteworthy jokes he’s made was:
If there is Minnie Golf, why is there no Mickey Golf? Think about it.
It’s all harmless fun, and everything is done in order to service the funniest sports program on TV. If it’s not Curry doing dad jokes, it’s Riggle making Tessitore or the various guest stars laugh. There have even been episodes where the groundskeeper has been the highlight, having to retrieve a pair of glasses from a pool or retrieve a golf ball from a tight corner. Nothing may matter, but you can’t help but find different players to root on through the typical process of round-by-round elimination. It’s a sport where putting just a few degrees incorrectly can cost a win, and this spontaneity can lead to some tense moments in the closing minutes.
So, what does Holey Moley have to offer? From what I gather, the second season has an altered course from what we’ve seen. It’s probably for the best, as I feel that even the greatest, most memorable designs likely will grow tiring to watch after a dozen episodes.
Still, they’re created in such a way that you expect a Wipeout-style collision to happen, for a golfer to run into calamity. The best players need to also be physically agile, as this is also about who can run the fastest.
Some previous courses have included:
Sweet Spot: The golfer must shoot the ball from a rotating platform onto another rotating platform.
Slip N’ Putt: The golfer must ascend an icy hill to reach the ball. From there, they must shoot it into a tube that will send the ball to the bottom of the other side before sliding don to complete the hole.
Tee’d Off: The golfer must win a four-foot putt-off, or fall into a pool.
Caddysmack: The golfers get to choose whether Steph Curry or a wise-cracking robot with shot perfection (voiced by Riggle) takes their shot to reach a distant green.
Log Roll: The golfers must shoot a ball uphill, all while battling oncoming rolling logs on rails.
The Distractor: The golfer must shoot a 15-foot putt while being distracted by a rotating series of crazy figures.
Arc de Trigolf: The golfers hit the ball up a large arc that curves to the hole. The catch is that they must cross a series of raised platforms and drop a guillotine to keep the ball from falling into the water.
Though if we’re being honest, the real masterpiece of this show has always been Dutch Courage. It’s such an easy marketing piece and one that I’ve seen a few times in the lead-up to tonight’s episode. While it’s horrifying to think of losing that course, I can’t imagine passing up a chance to try and beat it. Provided that you’re limber, I would say that it’s the most fun you can have if all you want to win is luck.
The catch is that you must shoot the ball through two windmills, both along a single trail to the hole. For those who can pull off a straight shot, this is the easy part. Everyone else will find themselves bouncing off of every corner. Being overwhelmed by the windmills won’t help.
Once you get that done, you need to complete the round by running through the windmills. As you can guess, this is a 50/50 proposition that’s based on strategy. You’re excited because of how unpredictable every player will be. Obviously, you want to see them succeed but there’s something wonderful in that Ninja Warrior way where a fatal blow can go horribly wrong. Within the first week, the windmill was already destroyed and had to be repaired. Others took out the enlarged decorative tulips with them. If anything, it’s the biggest relief when you get to the other side in one piece.
The final three contestants have to take on Mt. Holey Moley, which creates a bigger obstacle for those without great upper body strength. While you need to shoot the ball into a pipe, it transports it to an adjacent island. The player meanwhile needs to take a zipline over, landing on an inflated pad, in order to get there. Depending on what pipe you wind up in, you’re either directly by the hole or stuck behind sand and rocks. While anyone who falls into water immediately has a one-stroke penalty, this is the most strategic course, where someone with the biggest obstacle can still win if the others are not on their games.
Whoever wins gets the club jacket and the golden putter. There’s a photo with Curry and the mascot, and everyone leaves happy.
This is a wonderful story of chaos, making the tamest, least interesting sport in the world into a wild adventure. As a piece of TV, I am aware that there’s a limited appeal as to what this show can achieve without renovating the course every six months. However, it’s the perfect antidote for not having any other major sport available to watch. It’s so electric, always keeping you entertained whether it’s by the unfortunate demise of a golfer, or one of the many comments from Riggle.
I’m sure that many of you are still writing off Holey Moley because of how needlessly ridiculous it sounds. With that said, it elevates a game of strategy into an agile farce. A lot of it may seem difficult to pull off, but that is the fun. Everything on the course is plausible, but only those with a focus are likely to reach the finish line in one piece. The fact that they get the strangest archetypes to play, it subliminally makes you root for certain players to succeed. There’s a sincerity and genuine desire to excel, meaning that every willing participant is in it for the love of the game. This isn’t for some perverse 15 minutes of fame. They really think that they can beat Dutch Courage.
I would say this even if COVID-19 didn’t greatly limit our entertainment options, but Holey Moley is a great show to watch for wacky competition. It’s by no means high art, but it will make you feel a twinge of excitement as you wonder who will win the hole if anyone can get to the top of Log Roll without being slammed to the ground. There are so many small things that can go wrong, and it’s as much about comedy as it is a triumph of the underdog. An average episode may be silly and inconsequential, but it’s a great way to feel good right now. To know that human ingenuity could make a course as full of potential s Arc de Trigolf shows that even at its dumbest, this is one expertly designed course. The only issue is that we’re all not there readying to tee off in the next round.
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