When looking at the modern trend of movies, there are few genres that have inspired so many clones as the children adventure movie. While this could largely be because of the incredible success of Harry Potter, it’s also just the simple fact that it’s a fantasy that we can all latch onto: being young and innocent while thrown into situations that fill us with awe. Stick it in a contemporary setting, and you get a chance to believe that the world is a much more interesting place than it actually is, building on the mythology of the past into something that most of us can’t see, but the select few will latch onto and go on that journey.
Among the latest “franchises” to be birthed from this trend is Artemis Fowl (2020). The Eoin Colfer series, whether intentionally or not, came on the heels of Harry Potter starting in 2001 and presented a clever twist on fantasy. It relied heavily on Celtic imagery, where protagonist Artemis Fowl lived in Ireland and goes on adventures deeply rooted in the earth. There’s a “large dwarf” that joins him on missions as he tries to rescue his father from kidnap by a masked vigilante who may as well be Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. A lot of wild stuff happens, but what you need to know is that there are nymphs and fairies, and Judi Dench plays an overlord or something.
To put it simply, an Artemis Fowl in 2005 would play a lot different than it does now. It still may be considered a knock-off of the superior franchise, but there is a better chance that there would be an audience there, eager to watch the adventures. We’re talking about a time when everyone had their own fantasy franchise. It would seem more vital and important, as opposed to now when it’s the latest thud on Disney+, and arguably the biggest misfire that the streaming service has released to date. Even Tom McCarthy’s first post-Oscar win Timmy Failure (2020) doesn’t feel as underwhelming as Artemis Fowl.
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| Josh Gad |
It is difficult to care about the story because, honestly, it is doesn’t act like most of it matters. It’s in and out in 90 minutes, presenting a grand scope that is a frustrating mess that you’ll just have to go with. Let’s hope you don’t find taking fairies and dwarves as silly because that’s the emotional crux of the story. Even then, it won’t prepare you for Josh Gad’s Mulch Diggums opening his mouth so wide his teeth could tie his shoes. He serves as our narrator, himself being interrogated about the elusive legacy of Artemis Fowl. Much like his father (Colin Farrell), he’s mastered in the arts of thievery and… you’ll just have to believe him because the film doesn’t have time to do more than tell you that he’s a master thief.
To his credit, director Kenneth Branagh got his wish. He wanted to make a “breathless” movie that was short. In a time where two hours are no longer an acceptable limit for certain features, it’s nice to have a short film. However, it’s not where you should be starting a franchise that is so deeply rooted in its own mythology and characters that you need to rush through everything, sacrificing any character development or moments that would make us care. It’s wild and anarchic, but not in a way that exactly makes you want to continue on this journey.
What is strange is that the film feels breathless in the opposite way. The pacing is interminable. Even as the world underneath Artemis’ mansion is revealed, every detail feels insufferable, giving us new goofy images that we’re supposed to care about, wanting us to invest in another movie. It’s not unlike The Last Airbender (2010) in its ability to take something that should be inherently interesting and suck the ingenuity out of it. When the most memorable part of the film involves Mulch Diggums opening his mouth, it is a sign that the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t a green one.
The problem emerges fairly quickly when Mulch ends up using the establishing voice-over to tell us three things: A. This takes place in Ireland; B. There’s a boy named Artemis Fowl; C. He lives in Ireland.
When there is a run-on sentence that needs to bookend itself with details like this, it’s a sign that the writing isn’t its sharpest. There is a lack of self-awareness or commitment to this universe that makes you immediately engaged with the awe and whimsy. Forget the special effects for a minute and just think about the story. What even happens in Artemis Fowl? Oh sure, he’s looking for his father, but what purpose does Dench’s Commander Root have? Why do we go down the roads that we do?
This should be the point where things begin getting interesting, serving as Men in Black (1997) Jr. with Artemis showing love to the black suit and wielding these awesome weapons as he tackles his next target. While he has a butler named Domovol Butler (Nonso Anozie), he is mostly there for exposition. He befriends a fairy named Holly Short (Laura McDonnell), but it’s hard to say what she really does either. This is all wild imagery that’s cool to look at, but by the big finale where the trouble comes knocking at Artemis’ door, it’s hard to really see it as more than chaotic nonsense that is subpar Michael Bay material.
We want to experience the awe of this world, but there’s so little in the stakes that we care about by the time that shows up. This is generic. Artemis isn’t charismatic enough to overshadow any fault in the story, serving more as another cog in the disappointing machine. This isn’t a movie-star making role. It’s just an unfortunate sign that Branagh, the director who once made Thor (2011) into a far more compelling superhero movie thanks to a Shakespearian dramatic subtext, really has nothing to say about this world. Is he even interested in this world? Does Artemis even care about his dad? We’re told that he does, but this thing is so hollow.
Despite having a clunky title, Percy Jackson & the Olympians: Lightning Thief (2010) is a perfect counterpoint to the children fantasy genre. While it’s a distinctly American take on Greek mythology, it shows enough interest in its substance that you’re left with at least an appreciation. While the film is messy and its source material’s author, Rick Riordan, hates the adaptation, there is something to be said for those blindly entering the film. Like Artemis Fowl, it appeared on Disney+ at some point in the past month, and by doing so its service as alternative programming reflects everything wrong with Branagh’s worst movie to date.
For starters, we have to ask ourselves why we should care about Percy Jackson. Much like Artemis Fowl, he’s introduced as a character outside of the fantasy world. Percy is your awkward teenager archetype, who struggles with school and has strange dyslexia. That’s one more character trait than Artemis has, and it makes a significant difference. By making him have these familiar struggles, we begin to relate to him, able to subliminally connect with him and his friends, including the physically handicapped Grover. Again, Grover has his own twist when he reveals himself to be part-goat and serves as Percy’s (Logan Lerman) protector.
Already it’s a blend of the familiar with the unfamiliar that makes us surprised. If this thing that’s been staring us right in the face for 20 minutes isn’t what it is, what else isn’t what it is? Artemis Fowl meanwhile is so obsessed with being “breathless” that it just expects you to assume some things, let alone that this kid who lives in a mansion is the least bit relatable.
The crux of Percy Jackson is also just way more interesting, subverting Greek mythology into a contemporary setting. When we’re introduced to fantasy, it’s in places that feel organic and familiar, slowly making the audience appreciate the oddity that is this world. When forced to face off against characters like Medusa (Uma Thurman), it’s practical and requires powers that your average teenagers have. This is a story that builds, and in the process comments on Greek mythology in a way that subliminally makes the audience begin to care about its rich history. For instance, the journey into Hades (found, cheekily, in Hollywood, CA) gives them an opportunity to comment on the Orpheus and Eurydice story.
Whereas Artemis Fowl has these archetypes we know, any promise of making it matter as more than window decoration is unrequited. Branagh relies too much on shorthand, and it all becomes brainless as a result.
What else helps with Percy Jackson is that there’s a concerted effort to make your lead have an interesting dynamic. It’s more than having a fun dynamic with Annabeth (Alexandra Daddario), who is the daughter of Athena. It’s in having a genuine interest in the world that he’s in. He’s feeble enough that you empathize with him every time danger faces him. Also, Lerman just has this wide-eyed nature that he’s gone on to experiment with in later works like Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012) and the solid Amazon series Hunters. While the same can’t be said for Brandon T. Jackson (Grover) or Daddario, Percy Jackson can at least be considered a positive turn in their careers. All that Artemis Fowl has done was make us wonder if Dench is strapped for cash.
Of course, that may be in large part because Percy Jackson’s director, Christopher Columbus, has had a more successful track record in appealing to children adventure stories. By 2010 he had over 20 years of quality work to his name, including directing the first two Harry Potter entries (including one with Branagh). If nothing else, he deserves credit for assembling the team that defined the multi-billion dollar film franchise. You also can’t fault him for believing that Percy Jackson could appeal at all to the same crowd.
I suppose the easiest way of looking at this is to ask how much you not only care about characters but of the lore that it’s building. Does it make you want to explore more, finding ways that it’s attached to the modern era?
While both of these have surface-level understandings of mythology, the way that Percy Jackson manages to subvert Greek mythology by placing them in cities like Austin, TX and Las Vegas, NV, you’re already challenging the audience to understand how it applies to hundreds of years ago. It’s exciting without taking away from the story. To have Las Vegas be a hub for temptation and sin is the perfect place for the characters to be distracted from their journey, and it produces something that can be called creative.
This isn’t to say that Percy Jackson is a flawless movie. It’s just that it happens to have a crew who understand what makes this story enjoyable. It may be a conventional knock-off of Harry Potter, but you’re still given enough original ideas that you care about. If you’re a child, there’s a good chance that Percy as a character will speak to you, reflecting your own social awkwardness that makes the journey ahead much more satisfying. With Artemis Fowl, a guy with a stretchable mouth has to convince us that what we’re watching matters, and that’s a big difference.
It’s a bummer that Artemis Fowl is such low-hanging fruit, falling off the vine and rotting. As a film that’s been postponing its release for years, you can sense its relevance fading by the day. The only thing that fades quicker is how well anyone remembers what actually happened in this film. Nothing sticks, and for a man who made Thor emotionally relevant to the modern era, it’s strange that he couldn’t do the same for a boy who was human. If anything, he feels more alien, less connected even to basic emotion, and it’s all a sign of how making a “breathless” movie isn’t always the same as making a good one.
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