Back when Jay Leno was hosting The Tonight Show (the first time), he had this segment where he would look at random merchandise. Like most of his segments, the idea was to find something odd that was hiding in plain sight, questioning what this world is coming to. Nowhere was this more enjoyable than when a children’s toy came into the mix. The idea of perverting an innocence never ceases to be amusing, especially when something that may otherwise seem innocent turns out to be a bit gross and inappropriate.
It was even more absurd when you realized that this wasn’t presented by some knock-off company who misprints names on backpacks. This was a professional conglomerate, giving a stamp of approval on an object that they feel represents their brand ethically. Among the examples that Leno used were Disney Happy Meal toys that have since become legendary, such as the masturbating Tarzan or Rafiki circling Baby Simba’s life. Rarely has the simple up and down motion seemed so inappropriate, especially for something so otherwise immobile. You spend time wondering who could possibly have approved it, not putting more effort into something that not even in the utmost slightest would remind someone of something icky.
Then there’s Harry Potter. It’s notably one of the most successful film franchises of the 21st century, managing to create a world of whimsy and awe. There are whole hubs of it at Universal Studios where you can don robes and drink butterbeer. Everything about this magical world is so expansive and fun, managing to turn mundane things like wands into cherished props that you’ll use to levitate your laundry into your hamper. Harry Potter has the market cornered to the point that they have tons of ridiculous merchandise, which some scholars can probably chronicle better than I ever will. I am merely a tourist right now.
But in a world that once sold a replica of The Invisibility Cloak, it’s interesting to note how thorny the idea of a broom is. In the series, a broom is a noteworthy form of transportation that can send you flying through the air, doing loop-de-loos, and going on a grand adventure. Even if it didn’t invent the magical broom, it did plenty to make sure that a new generation was going to hop on board and make whooshing sounds as they pretended to be in a game of Quidditch. Imagine the endless possibilities!
Though on the surface, this was always destined to be among the dumbest products associated with Harry Potter. Sure the narrative is there. A Nimbus 2000 is a top of the line broom. Think of a sports car with a shiny coat of paint and an engine that goes from 0 to 60 in under 10 seconds. That’s what Nimbus 2000 symbolizes. But, as an inanimate object that exists in our muggle world, it’s mostly a broom. If you mass-produce it, it’s likely to be a cheap plastic copy that looks phony, with the texture of an action figure that’s even less convincing. Sure, it looks neat, but what are you going to do with it?
Your friends would come over and comment that they notice the Nimbus 2000 before you respond “Thanks, my parents spent $20 on it.” At which point they begin to back up, realizing for the first time what economics means and realizing that you wasted money on something that will forever sit in the corner of your room, in the closet, more decorative than the exciting promises of the advertising. Then again, walking around on a broom is far from a cool look. If anything, it makes running around very difficult, causing you to waddle like a doofus.
So basically, the Nimbus 2000 felt designed to be The Pet Rock of the millennial generation. You can’t exactly explain why you’d buy one when there are cheaper, cooler looking brooms that you can buy from Target or, if you’re a sinister kid, Lowes. Your grandchildren will judge you for buying a broom that neither flies nor sweeps. However, there are those who will give a smile and say “I’ll tell you when you’re older.”
In the process of making the Nimbus 2000, the creators at Mattel had this wonderful idea. It’s one that reflects even more creative bankruptcy. Whereas most of the immediate Harry Potter merchandise had some novel purpose, a broom that made sound effects was a bit dull. In what world is a tinny sound of flying through the sky better than just saying it yourself? It’s an adequate extension, but in the big picture that isn’t going to be fun to listen to on a loop as you run around your house, waddling atop a broom.
Then there’s the thing that has gone on to be the definitive feature of the Nimbus 2000, first seen on the market in 2001. Along with the launch of the film Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001), there was a lot of merchandise out that included video games and Christmas ornaments. It was everywhere, and it’s exciting for someone like me who read the books for a few years and was happily awaiting a big-screen treatment that would live in the echelons of history as some grand masterpiece. Then, as I believe that a man can fly on a broom, I found this broom and one detail that would haunt it for the rest of its life: it vibrates.
To quickly observe the innocent side of things, I am still baffled why there needed to be so many components to a broom. I understand that it was likely to be a lousy sweeper no matter how it was designed, but it clearly lacks long term appeal. The sound will die out and you’ll grow bored quickly of riding a small plastic broom. And now it vibrates? Sure, why not. It’s a goofy detail that works for creating a realistic experience. But, much like those Hulk smash gloves that yelled when you hit things, it was terribly superfluous.
Now, onto the thing that most people have likely figured out by now. It’s the point where you question Mattel’s entire motive for making this. If the features weren’t dumb enough, the idea of making a broom vibrate feels a bit insane, especially when marketed as for kids. While I understand that it was meant to symbolize rushing through the air on your fantastic adventure, I can say that clenching a vibrating object is irritating if you don’t have a stable base. All it will do is make you shake. Now, place that near your crotch and that creates new sensations that will make you unstable in different ways.
To put it bluntly: a vibrating pole is often associated with adult sexual pleasure. It is difficult to think that Mattel didn’t have one or two people on staff who knew this. Whereas most toys vibrating wouldn’t be an issue, having something intentionally designed to be ridden between the legs should’ve sent up red flags immediately. It’s a concerning device for parents who didn’t think things through, or never realized that it was going to be more than a room decoration.
For lack of a better way of explaining why this is amusing, I will consult Amazon reviews, themselves a notorious part of the Nimbus 2000’s legacy:
“My 12-year-old daughter is a big Harry Potter fan and loved the part with the Nimbus 2000, so I decided to buy her this toy. I was afraid she would think it was too babyish, but she LOVES this toy. Even my daughter’s friends enjoy playing with this fun toy. I was surprised at how long they can just sit in her room and play with this magic broomstick! A great buy for any Harry Potter fan!”
- Ashley from TX (June 11, 2002)
"Suppression! What is wrong with little girls getting a little stimulated? Why send a dirty review to Amazon hoping to discourage them from selling this? Do you think little girls are not already playing and exploring with things down there? Maybe something like this will make them more comfortable and confident about their sexuality instead of embarrassed and fearful. I say every girl should have one!”
- MethodShop.com (November 8, 2002)
Okay, if it hasn’t become clear yet, here’s one review that gets even more directly to the point:
“As soon as I saw this Harry Potter sex toy on Amazon, it hit me to buy it before they were all gone. I got it a few days later and wasted no time in turning it into a vibrator toy for my g/f. Although the vibration isn’t that stimulating (for an 18y old at least), seeing a woman get herself off with a vibrating harry potter sex broom is kinky enough to turn any guy on. And with a little encouragement, it doesn’t take long for the woman to get off. All in all, it is the kinkiest sex toy I have seen anywhere.”
- Chris C. (Feb. 27, 2003)
There are other amusing details in Chris C.’s post beside his central subject. Is he a Harry Potter fetishist, or is he just some Harry Potter obsessive who doesn’t know much of anything? Anyways, that should show how the conversation was shifting about this broom. It didn’t take long for parents to complain about a variety of things. They were either encouraging people to take the batteries out to cancel the vibration, or they were complaining that the batteries drained too fast. Even then, the whole conversation about how “my daughter loves it” feels like some weird evangelical ignorance to the more sinister urges going on.
As one can guess, it was taken off the market in due time. However, it didn’t come without one or two more controversies. The most noteworthy came when the Nimbus 2000 began popping up in erotic stores, being sold as vibrating brooms for twice the asking price. It was only after this discovery that things began to change and the process of burying it from the bigger Harry Potter story was in process.
It’s hard to say if this toy leads to a generation of Harry Potter fetishists, but it’s odd that it even exists in the first place. The lack of foresight is incredible and only made it more of a hot commodity. It still can be found being sold by third parties, though the price has been hiked in the years since, leaving anyone wanting a goofy impulse buy to think twice before bidding on E-Bay. It’s no longer this oddity that can be picked up for cheap amusement. You’ll really want to buy a useless plastic-wooden broom.
In all honesty, I don’t know if Leno ever talked about the Nimbus 2000, but I imagine that he would’ve been tacky about it. That’s just how he was. He found amusement in things going wrong in these mundane ways. In the big picture, the Nimbus 2000 was very mundane. The thought of it is likely more amusing than actually buying one, making it both one of the most and least essential Harry Potter things to spotlight. Still, like the batteries, it drained from the conversation rapidly, giving us all reason to chuckle. After all, it raised so much hot air, but never once got us off the ground. If that’s not a magic trick, then I don’t know what is.
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