While I will be willing to admit that I had a “falling out” with Top 40 music over the past decade, there were those few artists that grabbed my attention. Even as I aged out of the genre, I still found myself attracted to artists who I felt were creating genuine music. It’s what made people like Lana Del Rey and Lorde so vital, creating some of the few albums that I would play over and over, obsessed with every note and wanting to dive into every lyric. To me, they were creating music that felt personal and important. It wasn’t just existing to teach teenagers new dance moves and release these nutso music videos that I couldn’t care less about.
Then, in one of the strangest turn of events, I discovered Billie Eilish. While there are now a handful of artists that I keep tabs on, I was blindsided by what she brought to music. First billed as this crazy teenager who had her own fashion sense and existed to freak out the establishment, I eventually found myself struck with “Bad Guy” and began to understand it. Sure, it was as much watching those Tik Tok compilations and noticing how fun and aloof the sound was, but it was also that it felt like one of the few genuine artists, symbolic of a new trend towards a sadder generation, unafraid to speak their mind
I won’t go into the whole story, but the more that I discovered from her, the more that I fell in love with her sound. How was someone whose music sounded like it crumbled under its own digital weight capable of being this successful? Her songs were everywhere, sometimes to an insufferable degree. I personally don’t fault anyone who is tired of her because I’m sure “Bad Guy” was more of a radio hit than I’d ever know. With that said, I only began loving her more the closer I looked.
It feels like pop music is reaching a more interesting phase. While there will always be those party anthems, there is something that has drawn me back to the genre more forcefully than ever before. It feels like there was some turning point when suddenly artists were allowed to be open about their depression, all of these concerns with the world that felt more exciting than another vapid love song. Even Taylor Swift turned insular with “Folklore” in ways that only made me like her more. So much of modern music is about self-help, and I’m here for that. As someone who adores Dear Evan Hansen for this very reason, I like feeling (even this late in my life) that music still has vitality.
Which is why I’m doing a Memory Tourist first. I feel like exploring a new single that, as of this point, is only a week old. Even if there’s still no surety when Eilish will follow up her Grammy-winning album “When We Fall Asleep Where Do We Go?,” she has done a decent job of simmering the waiting period. I could personally go into detail why I think “All I Ever Wanted” is a modern masterpiece, never failing to get me at my core. I could even go into how her song for No Time to Die (201?) feels painfully ironic just a few months later.
But I’m here talking about “My Future,” which is the latest entry in the COVID-19 entertainment collection. Considering that she makes every song with her brother Finneas, you can argue that she’s at an advantage when it comes to making music right now. There’s probably a whole treasure trove just being hidden, waiting for the final mastering to make something perfect. Still, the song focuses on so much of the angst and worry that everyone is facing right now. Like the best of her work, it’s self-reflective in ways that may speak to the teenage soul especially but appeals to anyone willing to listen.
As a 31-year-old, my stance in the pandemic is much different than the younger generation. A lot of my personal accomplishments have already been made. I’ve graduated from college and have some focus on writing and publishing work. While I still have places I want to go, I have opportunities that the younger generation doesn’t. High school graduations have been bastardized as compensation, even younger kids have to face a mix of online education or foolishly elected officials sending them into potential death traps. There’s so much more that’s uncertain about their future and in a lot of ways, one of the saddest parts of 2020 is that we’ve let down the youth who never stood a chance.
That is what I feel Eilish gets to at the heart of “My Future.” It exists as a song that is rooted in this moment, where so much uncertainty overwhelms her. How exactly do you plan for a future when opportunities are closed? There is no room for a normal life and isolation from friends is hell on every one of us. For most of us, the only way to get by is to look back on what matters, and that is where this song came from.
Early into the quarantine, Eilish and Finneas wrote this personal song. What to me is incredible with the perspective that she chose:
“I spent years and years relying on having someone—I could never be alone. It’s not something you’d think about being hard. But when you’re in that alone zone, it’s a new feeling. I feel like people—everything is about love. There’s nothing that talks about how being alone is really powerful.”
That is a perspective that I don’t think most pop stars would focus on. I’ve listened to quarantine music by Charli XCX that had more of a longing for the life that was. It’s a nostalgic lens that I can’t fault because in some respects I have it. For Eilish, it is one that hits me on a more personal note because I have found myself happier when I’ve taken time to be alone, letting my thoughts and independence inform my behavior. I am aware that she’s suffered from separation anxiety issues that make her situation a bit more difficult, but it does feel strange to know that her big breakthrough wasn’t to go bolder or weirder but to be more accepting of herself.
The song starts off with a melancholic beat, focusing on herself being alone. Seeing as how interviews claim that they wrote “My Future” during a rainy period, it makes sense how much the music video uses rain to symbolize her melancholy. The beats are subdued, reflecting a sadness that plays even into the harmonies, playing like a eulogy of tears on her past. She is so immersed in the emotion that it becomes a profound subtext to the whole song.
She’s in love with her future, coming to clarity with one passage that is fairly novel found in verse two:
I know supposedly I'm lonely now (Lonely now)
Know I'm supposed to be unhappy
Without someone (Someone)
But aren't I someone? (Aren't I someone? Yeah)
It’s a form of self-acceptance that triggers a shift in the overall flow of the music. The sound becomes lighter, her singing more upbeat. The rain parts and suddenly the future seems full of potential. The song has a mental struggle that everyone has likely faced over the past few months, trying to break free of their emotional shells and find acceptance both with themselves and how they see the future. For Eilish, it’s as much learning to be happy by yourself as finding a reason to move forward. It may be another song about depression, but its optimism of breaking out makes you hopeful that she’ll grow, do something more interesting in the near future.
Though, if you take the closing of the song as any indication, it’s going to be some time before that happens:
But I (I), I'm in love (Love, love, love, love)
With my future
And you don't know her (Ooh)
And I, I'm in love (Love, love)
But not with anybody here
I'll see you in a couple years
That is what’s fun about Eilish. Even with this breakthrough, she clearly reflects a need to continue to grow. It’s not a permanent cure, and I love that about her. Every small change is aware of its temporary impact. You only experience happiness if you keep working towards a better life. Whether this is intended as a hint as to whether her next album will be released or something more personal (her own happiness), it’s a finale that teases you and makes you feel like the future is something we have to continue working towards
On immediate listen, “My Future” is another good song from an artist with a sensitivity and focus that I’m personally envious of. I love that she’s capable of pulling from her own experiences and making art that speaks to something more universal. All at once, this is a song about depression as it is the feeling of a pandemic restricting the future. Maybe “a couple years” refers to the shift in how society will be seen, when the world is healthy and allowed to open up without fear of dying.
In the grand scheme of things, that is what we all should have right now. We are supposed to be sad, aware of how many thousands die weekly by the Coronavirus. It is the right way to live. However, we should also take this time to be optimistic and aware of what’s valuable in our lives. It’s only when it is absent, when we get to be alone with our thoughts, that we understand how much value the love of someone else can be. We need to recognize small ways to be productive now so that we can be happy with ourselves for when we get to see each other again. If there’s any cynicism in this song, it’s the potential belief that it will be years until that day.
I could go on, but what I hope you get from this is why I personally love Eilish and think that she has far more insight into the human condition than she gets credit for. She may not always make the cleanest music, but I think it only reflects her own personal anxiety in ways that are accentuated. It all paints a picture that I’m sure speaks better to her generation than it does mine. For me, it works because I feel it’s healthy to be open about who you are, being genuine, and letting the world deal with the consequences. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, the world will reveal how many people feel the same way.
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