Top 5 Things That I Am Thankful for in 2020

For most people, this past week marks a bittersweet revelation. With Thanksgiving now behind us, we are approaching the end of the year and putting an end to one of the most eventful periods in contemporary American history. In any other year, it would still be a period where I’m looking back on my year, preparing for the end of the year lists, and recalling what made the past 12 months a formative time of my life. In 2020, it feels like everything was heightened to the most unpredictable degree. Nobody is really sure what’s going to happen tomorrow or if COVID-19 will eventually be destroyed. 

There are reasons to believe that this is true, especially with competing vaccines now in the works. With plans for distribution forming, there’s something to be said for a year that started in dread ending in something of hope. Sure, there’s a lot of other obstacles that still need to be worked over, but with over a quarter of a million dead from the virus, anything resembling progress is enough to be thankful for. The feeling of isolation and an uncertain future weighs heavy on all of us and, in a time where everything seems wrong, it’s difficult to remember what we’re thankful for.

Despite my occasional lapse into despair, my overall outlook on life has been to see the good in the world, of a society that has the willpower to survive. I believe that you personally hold the power to reflect how you see the world, and I’m amazed at those who wake up every day seeking to make the world a little brighter. I try to do my part, though I recognize that it can’t compare to the essential workers, the people passing out food, or working harrowing hours in an emergency room. We all do our part, and I’m grateful for those sacrificing their health for the chance of a better future.

Unlike most years, the things that I’m thankful for likely doesn’t amount to the familiar mix of ephemera that technically doesn’t matter. With a lack of live events, it’s hard to be thankful for escapism. What is here in its place are things that have been impacted by the year. These are topics that have changed because of my own personal motivation to recognize their value, to try and not give up on life and make everyday matter. I know that everyone else has their own interpretation of “What are you thankful for?” but these are mine. They have helped to make the past 11 months much more tolerable, more worthwhile. I thank everything mentioned here for existing. It makes the long haul easier to deal with.

1. Family

It was two weeks ago that I wrote about having unbearable loneliness that threw me into a mental breakdown. I was overcome with the sense that nobody loved me and my craving for validation was desperate and annoying. In the days that followed, I took to self-care, diagnosing what was making me feel that way and attempting to improve myself. As I read online, I recognize that I’m not alone in having this outburst every now and then. Still, by the following weekwhen I felt burnout, I realized that I needed to take a better assessment of the people in my life. Yes, I was alone, struggling to feel like anything mattered, but it was only for three days.

With that perspective, I realized during Thanksgiving how lucky I have it. I can’t even imagine what life would be if I was one of those who lived across the country, not able to reach them for any reason. It didn’t even have to be a holiday. Having them here within driving distance has kept me from going stir crazy, feeling like someone actually cares about what’s going on in my life. As it stands, we had a normal-ish Thanksgiving simply because of convenience. We see each other every week. I babysit my nieces sometimes half of the week. I’m eager to see if my sister wants to watch Happiest Season (2020) this weekend.

These small things have given me a purpose that I didn’t realize I needed. They invite me to things. I feel wanted. They listen to what I have to say. It’s one of those circumstances that are very easy to ignore because of how present it is. Still, as COVID-19 tears apart families in one way or another, I’m left recognizing that I could have it worse. Those three days could be months or even years of loneliness. While I can’t say that I’ve seen every member of my family during this time, the ones that I’ve come to need the most have been safe-havens. As much as I want friends to hang out with, having anyone at all who will respect you is a blessing right now. I can only hope there’s someone in your life that fits that description.

2. The Memory Tourist

If you’re reading this, then you’re already aware at how much effort has gone into making this a reality. Since my launch eight months ago, I have produced over 400 articles that have ranged in topics from analysis to personal looks into my life. It’s hard to overstate that this website has in one way or another saved me. It has given me an outlet to express myself on a daily basis, and it’s forced me to stay engaged, not shutting myself off from the rest of the world. Because I forced myself to write about so many different things, I’ve felt revitalized, constantly exploring topics for whatever I want to publish here.

More than anything, it answers the long-awaited question of how I become more satisfied with my reputation as a writer. In all honesty, I had run Optigrab for 12 years and found myself feeling restricted by the end. With The Memory Tourist, I suddenly feel more engaged and interested in making my writing into something more substantial. The long and short of it is that because I put more of myself into this, it’s been more rewarding in public forums. I’m far from making this website what I want it to be, but I’ve started conversations and been recognized by people I admire like Ben Brainard and Matt Patches. In such a short time, I’ve acquired so much more confidence in my career.

I’m also finally representing myself as I would love to be seen. I’m sure that I could write tighter, more direct essays, but to me, the struggle to be open with the world about who I am has been one of the hardest things in my life. It’s become increasingly difficult to not want to put a part of myself into my writing, allowing for an autobiographical awareness to inform my opinions. I am thankful that 2020 has forced me to have that conversation and that I’m closer to who I want to be. I can only imagine where things will go from here. 

3. Cal State Long Beach

The most personal accomplishment that I made this year is one that I haven’t been as vocal about on here. While I mentioned that I was trying to get into CSULB, I never came forth and admitted that the best possible outcome happened. It’s been a personal dream for years for me to attend this school, symbolic of the best that my home city has to offer. I adore every chance I get to visit The Carpenter Theater or catch a game in their pyramid. I love the campus and while I’m not likely to be attending classes on campus for a bit, I’m happy to be part of their legacy now.

Another reason that this means the world to me is that my experience with education has been a long and arduous one. Maybe one day I will discuss how my early 20s were a mess, or how up until four years ago I didn’t even see myself as a community college graduate. I was aimless, behind the curve of my friends. My sudden run of collegiate success has restored some of my enthusiasm for education and that my life can amount to something. Given that I was previously rejected by CSULB in 2019, there is something incredible about being accepted. I thought it was a long-shot, but it just goes to show that perseverance pays off. 

4. Social Media

I understand that this is a misleading thing to put on this list. After all, for everything great that the internet hath wrought, it also features a manipulation of reality that is distressing. It continues to be a muddled place that I have to gauge how much attention I give to it. However, in light of my prolific output on The Memory Tourist, I have begun to see a change especially in how I see social media. When I was publishing five or six articles a week, I was talking to an empty void most times. With exception to that one time I got referenced by The New York Times or received an awkward conversation with an Oscar-winning documentarian, I’ve been largely able to operate with the feeling of being alone, that my dumb jokes couldn’t possibly sabotage the professionalism I tried to establish alongside it.

But this year, I’ve been able to break through to something more substantial. On Twitter especially, I have found myself more likely to have daily engagement that has given me hope that my opinion matters. While I’m not a networking genius, I’ve managed to have a significant growth in followers (at least 150+) and have formed connections that I like to think make me notice the good in the world. Beyond Twitter, I’ve also adored watching Ben Brainard videos on YouTube and am a closeted fan of Soupy Time on Tik Tok (among others). The creatives out there have made the world feel more alive right now, and I thank them all for including me in any stage of their entertainment. 

5. Self-Publishing

I suppose in another way, this could be an umbrella term for all of my fiction writing. As I’ve done for the past five years, I’ve self-published fiction on Amazon with an irregularity. Whenever I have a halfway decent idea, I write a story around it and have put it out into the world often for $1. I like to think that it’s slowly made me more appreciative of the writing process and how you can convey nuance in a contemporary setting. I wouldn’t say that this was my most exceptional year, but I continue to think that there is value in me releasing stories like “This Silent Splendor,” “Think and Think Some More,” and “PROP 20.” It helps me to stay creative in ways that these other mediums won’t allow.

I’ve also self-published my first short story collection “Esoteric Shapes,” which is currently available for $15. I have more planned for 2021 including my second novel currently scheduled for a Fall release. Still, to have my writing out in the world has provided a small gratification, and having it in print, able to hold in your hand feels incredible. I personally love what I did with “Esoteric Shapes” and hope that you do too. Finally, to prove that this year has had some blessings, I got paid for my fiction. There’s something cathartic about being paid solely for your own hard work and creativity, that you’ve at least been validated for your effort. I can only hope that this continues to be the case next year.

Honorary Mention

The 2020 Presidential Election

While I personally loathed living through the campaign process, the week following the election was one of the most hopeful periods of my life. It felt like the world was starting to right itself and that 2021 would bring with it some sense of positive change. I can’t say it was perfect, but I’ll always remember being awake at 1:20 AM and having it announced that Georgia turned blue. The world was alive, and I love that we’re starting to have a conversation on how to better work together, to make a difference. I love that it all involved Gritty for no good reason. The world has felt a little brighter since that day, and it feels wrong to not end by thanking everyone who worked hard by canvassing and phone banking to try and make this election stand for positive change.

What are you thankful for in 2020?