As the Christmas season picks up again, I am reminded of my years listening to the radio. For most in Southern California, KOST 103.5 is the end all be all for holiday tunes. They play every song under the sun pretty much the week after Halloween has closed all of their pop-up stores. While I don’t fault anyone who actually likes that much Christmas music, I prefer the variety that KROQ 106.7 provided. With exception to the days surrounding the said day, they didn’t usually do a blow-out of songs. It’s what made the occasional cutaway so exciting when suddenly you heard someone growing excited about Christmas.
Because KROQ was billed as THE rock station, they were allowed to get away with more risqué song choices. This was especially true of their annual holiday compilations, sold at Best Buy with all sales going towards special charities. I miss those days of having to hunt them down because they really did provide an exciting variety, even as they had such inappropriate names like “Santa’s Swinging Sack” and “Swallow My Egg Nog.” The older I get, the more that I realize how problematic this all was, but it still allowed me to hear some of the funniest takes on rock music that included one of the best Anti-Christmas songs: Blink-182’s “I Won’t Be Home For Christmas.”
For the life of me, I can’t figure out why this song never made it onto one of their albums or even their greatest hit compilation. It’s the epitome of their post-“Enema of the State” popularity, in a nutshell, producing a song so crisp and full of antipathetic humor that you couldn’t help but laugh along. It was still at the time where the band most related to the young male perspective: insecure of the world and finding any way to lash out. The song was straightforward, ending with their patented juvenile humor (“A guy named Bubba unwrapped my package”) and a gleeful sense of frustration. But hey, if you think this song is taking things too far by chasing carolers with baseball bats, just know that “Happy Holidays, You Bastard” exists and the censored version takes out (without exaggeration) 95% of those lyrics.
As a teen, there were few bands that felt as revelatory as Blink-182. In some ways, their world view was not unlike mine. I wasn’t even in high school yet and you could nod along to “What’s My Age Again?” thinking “nobody likes you when you’re 23” is a call to never grow old. Their jokes were easy to understand, helping to bond with friends who didn’t even know what “Dysentery Gary” was referring to. Even when we got to The Oregon Trail in the computer lab, we didn’t know what that meant. It was just funny and was perfectly complemented by a fun riff.
By comparison, “I Won’t Be Home for Christmas” was a lot more quaint in its subject matter. It asked the question of what a Blink-182 Christmas would look like, and it’s quite clear that their idea is to drive as crooked down a straight road as they can, knocking over mailboxes. They had that reckless abandon, and it’s a miracle that they became the purveyors of mainstream pop-punk in the process. They taught a generation how to laugh, how to cry, how to deal with the holiday season when you’d rather just not. In some ways, the “Won’t” in the title is a perfect embodiment of what their humor was: a twist on the familiar.
It also helps that they also just had the skills to make a pop-punk song that immediately evoked the season. Their snarky intro that finds a gag version of “Deck the Halls” transitioning into drums is a nice contrast. It’s the quaint paving the way for something more aggressive, less traditional. I love how Travis Barker’s drumming creates this abrupt roll into Tom Delonge’s guitar, which is a great little riff that finds highs and lows being played in tandem, constantly sounding like a woozy, melting version of a holiday track. It’s the type of guitar that they’ve mastered by now and creates a joyous dive into everything that follows.
In the verses are Mark Hoppus, creating the image of the holidays. For most, the sight of carolers is supposed to be one of enthusiasm and happiness. However, there’s clearly something going on with him. He is a prototypical Generation X’er, not trusting anyone and wishing to just be left alone. Leave him to his doing and everything will be fine. In one of the first clever lines on the song, he goes “I can’t describe the joy they bring, cause joy is something they don’t bring me.” It’s the typical sarcasm that puts you immediately in his perspective. He lacks sincerity, a need to not express joy so shamelessly. Why not just destroy something instead?
The idea of facing joy with outright animosity is a common comedy trope, and Hoppus executes it perfectly here by painting a night with his girlfriend. There’s no word on what they’re doing, but it’s clear that she’s his rock, keeping him anchored from participating in his anger issues. Well, that’s until it gets a little too troublesome. As he’ll say, their whiny voices get irritating, wondering how much of his time they’ll waste. He jokes that they’re “Satan’s helpers” (a play on Santa’s helpers).
Everything from here is a wild fallout that in a more serious sense would be considered troublesome. There’s this man about to attack the good-intentioned carolers who want to just sing songs. It definitely sounds like this man is unhinged, and it’s quite something to know that physical abuse like this used to be considered a very funny joke. Had the instrumentation not been memorable, there’s a good chance that it'll be easier to attack. Instead, listening to a man lose his temper is comical because it goes against everything we know. He clearly suffers from some mental problems, maybe seasonal affectation disorder. Whatever it is, a 2020 version of this story wouldn’t end with a joke about prison rape, but him getting anger management.
But yes, he must’ve snapped. He grabbed a baseball bat and threatened these people. One has to wonder what the girlfriend does in all of this. There’s a whole story about what happened before the squad cars showed up that is missing. You wonder what Hoppus did that things got so out of hand. Even then, his sarcasm does build to a pretty great chorus for all of the humbug enthusiasts out there:
It's Christmas time againIt's time to be nice to the people you can't stand all yearI'm growing tired of all this Christmas cheerYou people scare mePlease stay away from my homeIf you don't wanna get beat downJust leave the presents and then leave me alone
I do love how the third verse shifts from him being the aggressor to feeling like Hoppus is being a victim of the system. Whereas he could’ve just stayed quiet and moved on with his night, he let his worst instincts come out. One has to wonder just what could’ve happened if this night continued. Then again, that’s not the Blink-182 way. To quote an episode of The Simpsons: “Dude, let’s trash this place.” “Not until after we get paid.” They may be wild boys, but they’re practical.
But yes, claiming that the cops had an unfair advantage is funny. One has to wonder how they took down Hoppus. Maybe it was brute force, or they simply just caught his arm at the right time. Whatever it is, it’s hard to not imagine him yelling “Defund the police” in modern times, even if he’s one of the more privileged in this scenario. You get the sense that he is a dimwit, and he kind of deserves it. Still, ending by suggesting prison rape is something that hasn’t necessarily aged well. Then again, what Blink-182 joke song has?
With one last sting of Delonge singing “Please press my bail!” you get a perfect conclusion. It’s fully destroyed the happy attitude of the holidays and reflects the problems of those prone to anger. Even if this is a joke song, it’s interesting to observe it as something more serious, reflecting how anxiety and S.A.D. can impact our judgment during this season. The overexposure to joy has been known to cause depression, and I do imagine that those in their early 20s may struggle the most with tolerating this outside perspective. Also, if you want to get more theoretical, the idea that Hoppus didn’t get the treatment he deserved may be secretly the saddest part of this song.
But hey, the bridge to the outro is brilliant. I loved how Delonge stripped away the aggression and found a way to build something calmer, more flowing as the drums and Hoppus come back in. With a backing track incorporating Christmas sounds, it becomes a perverse view of the holidays. This could’ve been about making any excuse for not being at Christmas dinner, and Hoppus made the decision to make it about his own internal frustration. He could’ve faked being sick, busy with work, but instead threatening carolers was his call. It is a funny vision, but one that asks a lot about mental health in general.
I don’t wish to go further, because that risks tearing apart everything that would make this song a great Anti-Christmas song. It’s best just viewed as antithetical to positive behavior, where everyone is nice and wishes to give gifts to each other. The idea of taking a cynical approach and selling it as a joke is amusing, even if this is a strange rise of events that aren’t entirely momentous. All it is about a man getting arrested for public disturbance. That’s the joke.
Then again, I was young and didn’t know better. I still laugh at dumb jokes. Blink-182 songs continue to be very enjoyable, even if I can’t imagine the contemporary KROQ 106.7 playing music half as edgy or rock-oriented as they used to. I miss when the radio was a bit more antagonistic with their holiday selections. It made you feel less alone, that you didn’t have to settle for cheery nonsense. Sure, all of that is nice, but so is fantasizing about shutting it all down, not being home for Christmas. Oh to be young and naïve, before the world begins to look a whole lot different and you begin to understand the good in human decency. For those days, this song still feels essential.
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