It’s hard to believe, but there are officially less than two weeks to go until the end of 2020. No matter who you are, your life has been greatly altered over the past 12 months, moving from the comfort of a conventional year full of these bright plans to something more complicated. What COVID-19 has ultimately done is to reveal the ways in which the world isn’t ready to handle a pandemic. With over 300,000 now deceased in America alone (and a significantly higher margin infected), the value of life has rarely felt more important, where the need to make sacrifices to better community has divided citizens.
This has been a cruel year and one that has consistently put me on edge. It isn’t just that Coronavirus has become something terrifying, but also because of everything else happening in the world. When you throw that all into this melting pot, it’s hard not to find anxiety no matter where you find distractions from. This isn’t like a solitary disease, where the risk of becoming infected is lower. Everyone is susceptible and there’s no clear chance that you’ll have the immune system to fight it. How does one escape the looming fear while also escaping things like cabin fever, civil rights offenses, and highly traumatic weather patterns?
I understand that this is not a happy topic and it does make the conclusion of this year really depressing. What have been the great achievements that we’ll look back fondly on? I promise you, there are helpers seeking to make the world a better place, and I am very thankful for your effort. Whether you’re a nurse consistently facing death in your E.R. or an essential worker dealing with jackasses threatening violence over slightly slower service, you have done plenty to make everything more optimistic. Society hasn’t lost all hope yet, and it’s partially because of you.
These topics may be a bit broad, but they’re the ones that have personally been bothering me throughout the past 12 months. While I’ve tried to take care of my own well-being, there’s no denying that finding something resembling happiness this year has been tough. I’ve tried and somedays are better than others. Still, if you were to understand what weighs heavy on my mind in 2020, these five topics have never really gone away. If anything, they’ll only continue to manifest in the years ahead, even after the vaccine maybe cures the world in some upbeat scenario. The pandemic may end one day, but my fear is how much of this will continue to impact the years and decades ahead.
1. Death
As of this publication, there are 1.65 million deaths globally. I live in Los Angeles County, which has had 566,185 confirmed cases and 8,568 deaths. Based on data, we’re the county with the largest numbers and make up almost a third of overall deaths and confirmed cases in California. Of course, it has a lot to do with being one of the most densely populated places in the state. There are other additional factors that likely impact this, but it does create this concern of being a hot spot for the virus, where going into a grocery store now comes with a risk. While I am proud to say that my hometown Long Beach has gone a day here or there without any deaths, there’s something to be said about the skyrocketing numbers. It’s not getting better.
More than anything else this year, the idea of death is something that’s been difficult to process. I pride myself on staying up to date on the news, and yet some nights I cannot handle the circumstances. It is said that sometime in November, America’s death rate from COVID-19 was now higher than the lives lost on 9/11. First it was weekly, but I think that I’ve heard we’re moving into daily, where thousands are gone in the blink of an eye, unable to say their goodbyes to loved ones. This alone is psychologically traumatic for me, especially as someone who craves closure.
Then again, nobody expected 2020 to go the way that they do. Every night I’ve heard Mayor Garcetti share the stories of families torn apart because of Coronavirus. I watch these human interest pieces where a parent dies, leaving aunts, uncles, or older siblings to take up responsibility. Some have it much worse, and I fear there are some children who are irreparably damaged by this not only with a lack of a parent, but the inability to learn and have social needs. The family dynamics have changed, and it’s more than who’s available for the holidays. It’s about who will even be around and the fear that we’ll all be gone in the blink of an eye.
Finally, another thing that horrifies me is the outcome of these massive deaths. With many not receiving proper autopsies or comfortable situations to being buried, they’ve been placed in storage units. I understand why, but it’s amazing to think that this is how massive the toll has been. Bodies have yet to reach their final resting place, and it’s sometimes unlikely that they’ll have the proper funeral process. Every human deserves a decent farewell, and the fact that some will never get that proper closure is just as horrifying. The trick is not allowing myself to grow numb to the statistics, realizing that these are humans whose lives were lost. It hurts to still feel that way, but it is necessary.
2. Health
Again, this may be a bit too broad of a topic to get into. On the surface, it’s easy to understand the worry of being healthy in general. Like every rational person, there is a fear of contracting COVID-19. Knowing that even the most cautious of people haven’t been able to escape its impact reflects how vulnerable everyone is. This is the type of reason that the vaccines are an outright miracle. The quick turnaround is unprecedented and I think reflects the importance of science. When this year started, I feared it would take years to get any significant development. To know that we’re closer to the end zone is something I hope nobody takes for granted.
But then there are the other elements of health that have greatly impacted my year and probably yours. When everything was updated from a plague to a pandemic, I had this fear of going about a normal schedule. I am specifically talking about exercising. I had concern not only that I will walk in the wrong direction and come home infected, but that I was somehow going to break protocol and end up fined. There was so much that I didn’t understand about those early days and it became scary to eventually break back into the habit. Walks definitely have improved my overall outlook, but seeing people without masks is still disconcerting. I also didn’t exercise for four months, so working through that pain wasn’t any easier.
Then of course there is mental. I think it is the one that I’ve been most transparent about. As previously mentioned, the consistent presence of death really keeps the good days from feeling so bright. The president failing to see humans as more than statistics (“slow the testing down,” “I like the numbers where they are”… FUCK YOU) challenged my perception of human decency. It’s also the feeling that I started the year with so many plans and ended being told I’m better off staying home alone. I’ve had mental breakdowns because of this more than usual. It’s hard to feel like anything matters, even as I recognize that staying home IS the best call.
I’m thankful that there’s been any conversation about this over the past 12 months. Obviously, we’re all dealing with it differently and some have taken it much worse than me. Even then, the feeling of reaching New Year’s Eve 2020 and feeling underwhelmed is not a feeling I expected to have a year ago. In a lot of ways, I’m thankful for what I still have, but I have to keep telling myself that, if just to get over whatever mental hurdles will always still be there. I can only hope that the road ahead is bright, even if it takes months to realize it.
3. Weather
There will never be an image that best summarizes my fear of weather in 2020 than the ones I saw of San Francisco. While the idea of massive fires isn’t new to any residential Californian, the inescapable feeling during a pandemic doesn’t help matters. I am confident that those who live in different regions will have their own story about the weather being terrible. I know for a fact that this was a record year for hurricanes. While that’s all horrible, please note that I will only be talking about the weather that directly impacts my judgment of any given day. Sure there have been good days, but forest fires have a way of making me feel more hopeless.
To begin with, forest fires started much earlier than normal this year. That alone convinces you that it’s coming for you, to destroy everything that you hold dear. Long-standing establishments have crumbled in its wake, and the fact that California wasn’t the only state with a major crisis didn’t help matters. Whenever I felt like everything was safe for a few weeks, there would be news that another had started. The finality of its burn returned to scare me, realizing that I had nowhere to go if the worst was to happen. The nights I spent hypothesizing what I would do in this scenario was numerous. The fact that days after I went to Orange County to see Tenet (2020) a fire started in a nearby city still unnerves me a little.
For those who haven’t personally experienced the impact of widespread fires, just know that it’s more than watching trees burn on the news. If they’re massive enough, the smoke will rise and carry many miles. There are days where the smoke is so thick that I can’t see the sun. Ashes fall from the sky. I have to continually change out my outdoor cat’s water dish because of poisonous contents being in the water. On a more personal level, even the smell of the air changes my day. I hate that I can’t escape the mesquite aroma no matter how hard I try.
There are other reasons to be resentful for the weather right now. As much as firefighters in this state have done excellent work, there’s the reality that our resources can still be limited. There is not an infinite amount of water. What will happen when the fire becomes too overwhelming? Sure, it’s frustrating that a gender reveal party and electric company boxes started fires, but it’s more disconcerting how easily it will spread. Also, the lack of help from the federal level over petty disagreements never ceases to be a fly in the ointment. Of everything that’s not great about California, having a designated “fire season” is one that I’ve never felt great about and never will. The fear that it will get worse, as it has over five years now, only makes my resentment of fireplaces stronger. I just wish it didn’t feel so claustrophobic
4. Education
There are few things that I’ve been as thankful for in 2020 quite like graduating in 2019. Back then there was no concern that 2020 would be any different. To me, it was the culmination of 11 years of false starts and stops. I had achieved something greater. I understand the significance of going onto that stage and getting a diploma. That is why it feels painful to know how many seniors in high school failed to get the rites of passage that we all took for granted. Some found workarounds that I greatly respect (drive-thru graduations), but I’m sure no amount of coping and considering your year special will overpower the sense that you’ll never get to share in a story that most everyone else has.
Of course, that isn’t the only thing about education that has been greatly changed. There’s the reality of providing school lunches and other services for students. The campus may be shut down, but there is a need to give educational standards that everyone should have. I respect those trying to find ways around this, notably with online education, but I recognize that this is not a foolproof plan. I’ve spent a large part of my adult life online, and I can confirm that digital lacks the same impact as something more tactile and hands-on. The feeling of human interaction is key to anyone’s educational experience if just to create a sense of community and morale-boosting.
But I think the thing that hurts me most about this is something more long term. Even if the vaccine magically cured everything and returned society to normal tomorrow, I think we’re still years off from fully understanding what this year’s impact was. I’m thinking specifically of younger students who have spent the past year resorting to online resources and struggling. Some simply have the inability to concentrate in this environment while others with neuroatypical behaviors that create their own struggles. For many, this year is crucial to developing cognitive skills that will be with them for the rest of their lives. I imagine it will be much more difficult for them to catch up when the world “returns to normal” and we’re looking at a generation with a new type of psychological issues.
For me personally, I will be fine. I have experience with online classes and navigating the internet. However, I feel like education has been the one facet of society that has been failed in one way or another. Some of it was preventable, but a lot of it is just the result of a pandemic that isolates us, not allowing for typical resources to be available. They’re the ones who need help going forward. They shouldn’t be forgotten in all of this, as I’m sure their awareness of this trauma is only exacerbating the ability to learn.
5. Black Lives Matter
I think one of the recurring themes of 2020 is the feeling of being safe in the world. Police brutality is by no means a new concept. The way that it became the focus of many protests throughout this year, igniting one of the longest mass protests in American history, only showed how much people were ready for change. It shouldn’t have taken George Floyd’s death to achieve this, but hopefully this tragedy leads to permanent change, reflecting that society wants to have a public discourse on protecting its citizens, giving them rights that everyone is deserving of.
The list goes on from there of innocent slain Black people. People like Breonna Taylor and the people of Kenosha, WI all reflect a need to have a conversation about justice that this country has never been great at. I’m thankful for everyone who has been out there speaking their truth, filming the brutality in hopes that it will help people recognize “defund the police” not as a threat, but as a reformation. I think of those journalists reporting on everything who were attacked with rubber bullets and pepper spray, everyone out there trying to make a difference. Even having The NBA proudly display Black Lives Matter on their court during The Bubble was an effective way to send a message.
For me personally, every death was unwarranted and I wish them luck in getting justice. I’ll always find the death of Elijah McClain to be one of the most tragic, if just because he was an innocent autistic boy walking down the street wearing headphones. The idea that he tried to reason with them and failed despite not posing a threat is horrifying. The list is too long to mention here, but I hope the one thing that 2021 will change is the belief that all of this is fearmongering, that we should continue to ignore problems. After all, we live in a country where the president gassed innocent protestors to take a very stupid picture in front of a church (that was holding online services). We need to get our priorities straight, and I think somewhere in all of this rubble, there is an answer starting to form.
What things or moments did you worry about most during 2020?
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