For those who are arriving on The Memory Tourist for the regular Monday writing, I have some bad news to report. For the next few days, I will be taking a hiatus from writing content on here. I know that I’ve prided myself on publishing on a daily basis with yesterday marking the ninth month anniversary of this accomplishment. To me, it’s one of the few things that has made 2020 fulfilling even in the slightest. I am excited to constantly be engaging with my writing in new and inventive ways, giving me a reason to get up in the morning and feel some small sense of accomplishment.
I suppose the immediate guess is that this is related to Christmas this upcoming Friday. On the one hand, it is. I had always intended to take that day off. However, I had a whole schedule of content that I was going to release between Monday and Thursday, itself producing six posts and roughly 12,000 words.
The issue is that I don’t have the spirit to get through this week. Those hours (ranging from 12-18) that usually help to center me feel like they would be an unbearable toil for me. Yes, it’s in part that I have a lot of Christmas stuff to get through by Friday. There’s also the fact that I have orientation for college in the next few days. Finally, I have a new short story called “Remastered” that needs to be finalized by Saturday when I publish it. This isn’t to say that I couldn't make it all work, but I don’t have the energy to dedicate those hours.
It’s not just in the construct of time. It’s in the fact that my physical and mental energy is drained. While I have been able to work through my previous depression (with adequate results if I could editorialize), it was mild compared to what I am currently feeling. I’m sure more than one of you out there have experienced some emotion like this in the past year and I’m shattered to be part of this group now.
In the past week, I heard the unfortunate news that my Grandmother contracted Coronavirus while being hospitalized for respiratory reasons. Given that she is in her 90s, there’s plenty of reason to remain concerned about this. With that said, I am very third party in receiving updates on her health, and that only makes the uncertainty more painful. I don’t know if I should feel thankful that we’re approaching a week since I first heard the news and there hasn’t been a negative update, but that doesn’t make any of it less frustrating.
Similarly, I heard even more concerning news regarding my friend. I have previously discussed him in a post about theater-going experiences. He is someone who I consider to be one of my best friends and have missed hanging out with over the past nine months. As you can guess, he also contracted Coronavirus despite being one of the safest people I know. In my brief online contact with him, I have discovered that he’s lost 17 pounds, hasn’t been sleeping, having respiratory issues, and a belief that it is endless. There’s more to it, but this is enough to make you worried.
I have nothing but a hope that he pulls through. As selfish as it sounds, I need him there next year when this pandemic ends. Our thing has been going to movies together and I notice how much that Plus One makes a difference. I have more enthusiasm for these days. Not a lot happens. It’s the same old routine of drinking and talking about film. Still, if you remove him from the equation a whole lot of my personal psyche changes. He means a lot to me, and I’ll just say that the past 24 hours have been some of the worst hours I’ve had this year.
Maybe it’s the shock of finally knowing someone personally with COVID-19. Maybe it’s the reality that the virus is unforgiving, or that my brain can’t help but give into terrible hypotheticals. As much as I try to be there, to be supportive and believe that he’ll pull through, the shock is excruciating. To think of my life without him is something that I’m not ready to imagine.
Because of that, my short run history has been one of inactivity. The first three hours after I heard the news, I couldn’t stop crying. Even after I woke up, the first two hours found another wave coming out. I was paralyzed with concern. I was able to write my way through depression, but something about this felt different. No amount of effort could make me concentrate, help me to get my demons out onto the page. That is why yesterday found me doing something I hadn’t done in six years. I stayed in bed for 17 hours (no hyperbole), letting the day waste away as I thought through everything he meant to me. I will say that it helped me to relax. Sure, being autistic meant that I was inclined to only get out of bed at the top of 5 PM, but it’s the least of my concerns.
What does this mean for The Memory Tourist? I was going to announce it later this week, but next week will find me shift from the familiar columns to something that I love to do. Starting on Saturday, I will be publishing my Top 25 Movies of 2020 daily starting with an Honorable Mentions column. It’s one of my favorite things to do in any given year, and I hope that it turns out very well.
On another note, this abrupt hiatus also means that my plans to finish The Madonna Project by New Year’s Eve will unlikely happen. I will be discussing her final two albums, “Rebel Heart” and “Madame X,” in the first two weeks of 2021. Sometime later I will announce my next “Project” series, which I think will take an interesting detour from this year’s series.
I am sure that in some hypothetical I could’ve kept this website running the whole way through. However, I think it’s more important to be honest with myself. My mind is elsewhere and I need to shift my attention to those things. I want to thank everyone who has been supportive so far in my website’s short existence. It may seem meager compared to others, but it has helped me grow into a more satisfied writer. I am who I want to be because of this website, and it’s miles ahead so far about how I felt with Optigrab in recent years.
Thank you, and I hope that everyone out there stays safe. I want everyone to be courteous and wear masks. It’s tough for me to not be outspoken in my resentfulness towards the anti-maskers right now, especially with my friend suffering serious conditions. It’s a lot to take in, and I haven’t been handling it well. I pray that a miracle happens. I need one to, or else this week will only be more painful. I need some time to myself. I hope that you understand. As it stands, even the typical news stories now read as very triggering and I don’t know if I will just become more of a hermit in the days ahead. Take care of yourselves. I’m sure someone out there loves you, needing you there for years to come.
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