There are a lot of reasons that February doesn’t feel like it could possibly compare to January 2021. For starters, it was a seismic shift in how America was perceived. Whether it be the terrorist attack of January 6, or Joe Biden’s inauguration two weeks later, it was a period full of massive awareness. In my own personal life, I was in a standing rut that resulted in another mental breakdown and another period of isolation. I think it was one of those moments where I realized that I needed help, being mostly calmed by the soothing rhythm of the recent Euphoria special. Since that first time, I would proceed to see it five times over two weeks. Hunter Schafer remains dear to me and I grow impatient waiting for something more to emerge.
But if February was going to mark anything, it would be an attempted personal recovery. I couldn’t continue to find myself vulnerable to such erratic mood shifts. I needed to do something that was substantial. To be honest, it hasn’t been entirely successful. I’ve gotten as low as 5% fine this month and have spent so many days struggling to leave my bed after less than a few hours. This isn’t to say that I’m not productive, but there is still something long-term that I need to fight. I need to look at granular achievements and recognize what I’ve done as being meaningful. If this doesn’t come across to you, the reader, then I will say that I’m putting on a good show.
So what have I achieved in this short window? Compared to January, I would say that it’s quite a bit. While I’ve unfortunately now gone over a month without reading a full novel, I’ve been diligently working on projects that I hope will be released sometime in 2021. The most noteworthy is my second novel, which I’m aiming for a Fall/Winter release TBD. I’m also writing short stories again, though nothing that I feel is substantial enough to release at the moment. If anything, the gears are starting to turn again, and I am so grateful for that. In other news, my short story collection “Esoteric Shapes” has gotten an unsolicited promotion by the great people at Order of the Straight Arrow. I’ve also done plenty to help a positive and constructive discourse surrounding the abysmal movie Music (2021), which itself has lead to a minor follower growth on Twitter.
Things are happening, but it’s important that I actually realize it. Like most people, I do think there is that part of me that is rooted in some doubt, where you’re constantly comparing yourself to others. Oh sure, I’m following my dreams. However, I can’t be doing that well if someone expressing opinions on a similar topic with similar gains gets more attention. Even the hierarchical sense that my pain is not as valid as someone else’s feels tested because of the outpouring love some will get for simply saying they’re having a bad day. It makes me insecure and I’m trying to look past that, to be grateful for those who actually do respond.
I continue to spend a lot of downtime reading essays online about various mental conditions. There is something about studying this that makes me more curious about the human condition. To be transparent, I am not an expert on any of it. Some articles I will just skim. Still, I can chalk that up to Tik Tok having such an addictive format that allows me to see these creators discuss their conditions and want to learn more. There’s a lot of emphasis on neurodivergent creators for me, which includes everything from autism to ADHD, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, and Tourette’s. It is amazing to see them be so open about themselves and encourage others to feel less alone.
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| Fun Fact: Entrapta is neurodivergent! |
Of course, there are other sides of Tik Tok that I have ended up on, such as cats, dance, and queer. I’ve also seemed to stumble upon a strong She-Ra and the Princesses of Power subcategory which is pretty fun (they have a John Mulaney quote for everything). I’m thankful that it’s come a long way from when I started and only ever got conservative trolls. Now the worst that I get is book Tik Tok which… I’m sorry, but you guys are so boring (and I’m not just talking about the time a video “attacked” me for liking “The Bell Jar”). Also, I’d love to find a literary culture that doesn’t have a weird hard-on for fantasy and sci-fi. I don’t get it. I’m autistic and neurotypicals are mysterious enough for me.
So yes, a lot of this period was me working on myself and I’d like to think that I did a decent job. If nothing else, I’m no worse than I was at the start of January. I’m beginning to move past the strange dissociation that I had and having some rational connection to everything. I fear that March will be a landmine since it marks the one-year anniversary since my social life went into quarantine, but for now, I’m trying to keep my head held high. I want to believe that I take with me coping skills that are actually useful and will keep me from relapsing.
There are of course dozens of other stories that are worthy of sharing on here. At the moment I do not know much about the death of Daniel Prude, but I saw it on the news last night and am very concerned. Apparently, he was having an episode and threw his clothes off. He didn’t get the mental health attention he needed and wound up dead at the hands of the police. That’s awful.
Similarly, the January 6 terrorist attacks continue to be concerning with every new piece of footage I run across. It’s a bit disappointing that D.C. Republicans now sympathize with terrorist attacks enough not to condemn their leader. It’s a bummer, really.
Another thing that has been concerning is the power outages in Texas. The idea of people suffering from a lack of power feels heartless. To have said leaders flee to Cancun as well only shows how out of touch they are. What’s amusing is the man who lost that senatorial election (Beto O'Rourke) did more during the same time. It’s not a blue versus red argument, but more that there is a need to recognize humanity, to push past money. It’s gross that people got electricity bills in the thousands over a five-day period when so much of their community was in crisis. Even the fact that some cities lost power altogether while others thrived suggests that there’s a need for a better conversation.
I recognize that over the past year I’ve become vulnerable to bad news. I don’t necessarily faint at the sight of blood, but there is something psychological about it. Whereas I used to be able to distance myself from the sight of assault, I suddenly now process it on a more personal level. Maybe it’s validating it with The 45th President’s “beat the crap out of them” logic that he’s bestowed for five years now. Maybe it’s just that I’m now starting to process certain traumatic events in greater detail. Whatever it is, I suddenly feel a little sadder when something awful happens, realizing that there are humans in that situation, that we need to treat each other better.
After all, it’s difficult to not look at the numbers and feel some remorse. February 2021 marked the moment when America passed 500,000 deaths from Coronavirus. It’s such a surreal number that makes you realize the value of life. I know people who were “cured” of the virus months ago and still have debilitating side effects. It’s not going to be easy, even if Johnson & Johnson magically makes a one-shot miracle cure. It’s painful how some disregard this grim milestone while others are telling me that I’m a hero for staying home and not spreading it. As much as I believe them, I need to find productive ways to handle my mental health better. With that said, overall cases are on the decline, dropping over 30%. There is hope after all. And, to brag a little, Long Beach, CA has gotten recognized for doing a great job with the distribution of the vaccine, so kudos Robert Garcia.
On the one hand, my February has been personally uneventful. I spent a lot of time discussing autism on Twitter and watching Euphoria in its entirety. The rest of the time has felt somewhat stagnant, mostly having school be a great motivator to get up and do something. I know that there’s plenty to do and every small accomplishment brings with it some pride. Even if I still in some ways feel isolated online for not rushing out to see the latest WandaVision episode, I’m learning again to be fine with things that make me happy. I’m hoping the people who care will interact with me about those things, especially since I find it boring for everyone to be on a singular topic and limit the potential diversity of our interests.
I have high hopes that March will be a good month. I hope it’s better than the last, at least emotionally. I like to think I’m getting better and every day is a chance to add one more notch to that. Besides school, I do plan to do my second annual Women’s History Month viewing where I try to watch as many female-centered, written, and directed movies from around the world as possible. I don’t know what yet, but it may feature Billie Eilish and Chloe Zhao – the latter whom I really like after seeing Nomadland (2020). Also, I would love to say that I’ll have a short story out, if just because it’ll be three months since my last, “Remastering,” which I still am very proud of.
Beyond that, I’m just enjoying life. I’ve been studying more about the asexual spectrum since I believe that I’m demisexual, and there’s some encouragement. Many believe that Jo March is on that list. Overall, it’s a fascinating group that I hope to continue discovering, even if there are other parts of me that I don’t entirely understand. I like the downtime has allowed me to explore these topics in greater detail, or at least question them. Not all of them have had a satisfying conclusion, but it wouldn’t hurt to try. Also, a recent study revealed that younger generations are identifying more as bisexual, and I love that.
Also, this is approaching the end of Aromantic Awareness Week. Basically, it’s the idea that someone doesn’t experience romantic attraction to others. Take some time to learn about them and enjoy how diverse the world is. I definitely don’t understand it all, but the people discussing it sound like nice people, so I can only assume it’s a good place to be an ally.
I hope your February has been good. This continues to be a weird year for me mentally, but I like to think that I’ll make it out okay. I hope that you do too.
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