The Re-Invention of The Memory Tourist

Ever since February, the future of The Memory Tourist has been unknown. Quite simply, I reached a point mentally where I was burned out, suffering an existential crisis, and realizing that I couldn’t spend 2021 doing what I had achieved in 2020. For starters, my schedule is just so much fuller. I am attending my dream school, prepping to release a novel this Fall, and quite possibly returning to some semblance of normalcy. I couldn’t produce 500 articles in nine months like I had, nor could I dedicate that much time to researching certain topics as much as I once did. What helped me get through the doldrums of quarantine life isn’t going to cut it for a variety of reasons, notably that I just didn’t have the energy.

Some of it was an existential crisis, other times I suffered my worst depression since 2010 and desperately needed to pull back from social circles. I needed to stop participating in conversations that were arguably trivial and understand who I am, what I wanted to do with my life. Sure, it helped me come to terms with being autistic and demisexual. Sure it allowed me to feel less pressure to please an audience, misplacing where my satisfaction should’ve been coming from. I’m at a point in my life and career where there are certain things changing. My wants for my career are different now. The Memory Tourist, by design, was reflective of that. I didn’t want to be put into a box. I wanted to talk about anything that I had a passing curiosity for. I guess, to some extent, I wanted to be like Nathan Rabin.

As you can guess, I do not have the hustle that Rabin does. While I feel more confident that I could design a career that allows for more personable essays and accessibility, I am still not entirely sure what I want to do with that. The reinvention over the past five months has been full of behind the scenes trial and error, mostly determining what I do and don’t want to do on the site. For instance, as much as I loved discovering new music I’ve determined that I am not that good at critiquing it. One of my favorite things to do would be to churn out my opinions and then watch Anthony Fontano videos which not only proved that I was bad at capturing essence but not even feeling the passion and meaning behind a lot of the music.

Another thing that should be known is that as of this publication, I am not identifying as a movie critic. Those who know me well may be throwing up alarm bells, wondering just what happened. How could I turn my back on something that I’ve loved doing since I was a teenager in 2004, making whole websites out of Optigrab and The Oscar Buzz that has done plenty to benefit my career? To some extent, I would explicitly blame the pandemic. For whatever reason, the passion to deconstruct film faded greatly the less that I got to go to theaters and feel like there was some real world component that made it feel more special than grabbing a remote. 

Does this mean that I could return to film criticism? Anything is possible. To be quite honest, this announcement shouldn’t be seen as a full shutdown. What is actually going on is more an adjustment on how I’m talking about everything. 

To me, movie critic as a generalized term is about the contemporary. It’s about driving to a theater and having your 500 words ready to go on Cruella (2021). I’m sure that I could do that, but this past December I found myself in a scary place. I sat down at least five different times to write a review for Pieces of a Woman (2020) – a film I liked – and struggled to write a paragraph. Even when I moved onto other titles like Promising Young Woman (2020), I just couldn’t muster thoughts for something I enjoyed. It felt debilitating to watch everyone around me do something that I used to do so effortlessly even six months prior. Yes, it was a depression that overwhelmed productivity, but it was also a sign that I needed to change my approach.

Plain and simple, I have no interest in being a movie critic who spends 52 weekends a year in a theater, seeing everything and having that all powerful sway on an audience. I don’t want to write 500 words on something I’m indifferent to just because it’s a trendy blockbuster topping the box office. I don’t want to follow production developments or really care about who’s dating who. I also can’t fathom following next year’s Oscar season after this one felt so insufferable. To me, movie critic is an active term and one that is paying attention to changing culture. I just can’t.

This isn’t to say that I won’t be watching and talking about movies. The approach will just be different. I don’t want you depending on me for an opinion on everything. I will see what interests me, and I will talk about them on Twitter, talking to people more passionate than me about the art form. I am not forcing myself to have an opinion on things I don’t care about. 

So, what do I care about? That’s where this “re-invention” of sorts comes from. While some would argue that the new version of The Memory Tourist is a downgraded version of itself, I think that it’s the only way that I could operate. I want to write these articles. I want to have a conversation about media that explores its rich history and the various confusing things that exist within it. Yes, that occasionally includes talking about film and music. I’m still aiming to have a diverse outlook on culture with the hope that I can find a new way to express myself as a writer. 

A lot of it boils down to media representation. Over recent months, I have been more interested in how culture expresses itself, determining how trends change our ability to perceive. This is especially true in relation to autism and LGBTQIA+, which are both topics I’m always curious to learn more about. While this isn’t the only fields I hope to explore going forward, they are ones that I’ve taken a more active interest in. And yes, when discussing film that includes breaking down tropes and celebrating depictions that I think are great. I may still “critique” the film like a traditional review, but don’t expect everything to be consistent or reflective of modern releases. As it stands, I still wouldn’t mind writing a piece on Shiva Baby (2021) or Mainstream (2021), which are closer to home video releases than theaters. 

I say all of this to say that I’m still not entirely sure what The Memory Tourist will ultimately become. The next area will be molded and changed whenever I see fit. For instance, if I don’t think a column is working, even after two or three weeks, I may replace it with something that I feel is more convenient. My hope is that I release a Sunday through Saturday line-up every other week (using the middle to do research and create articles) and present something as innovative as I did when the website launched last year. To be honest, I’m proud of a lot of what I wrote then. I just felt like I sometimes lost sight of having fun. It’s why I flat-out stopped last time. 

So, what can you expect when I launch in July 2021? The good news is that a lot of the familiar columns are coming back, though not as frequently as initially intended. Along with being every other week, I am intending for 80% of the columns to not overlap monthly. This means that columns like Sales Rack, Monday Melodies, Single Awareness, and Something Worth Mentioning will have more time between entries. I hope it will at least allow me to feel less stress in picking topics. I love writing each of these, but some of them are more limiting when planning 52 entries a year. I am still trying to determine how my Sunday tradition of discussing Broadway will look, as it’s one of the few that will be there each time.

There are no commitments yet as to where everything falls, but I do intend to add a few new columns to allow more wiggle room. Among them is one that I’m labeling “Game Show Theory” where I discuss what makes the structure of a game show work. It’s kind of like my Overthinking series, but with more emphasis on components such as host, obstacles, and incentives (a possible inaugural entry will be on The Cube). I am also intending to run a new wave music column that will start as a rundown of this article before possibly expanding to a wider net in order to understand just what is new wave music? For fans of The Oscar Buzz, I am also intending to bring over A24 A-to-Z to continue working through that series. Finally, I am planning an Indie Spotlight column that will explore cinema that’s lesser known, or work that I feel is deserving of more recognition. This is one that I’m most excited about as I think it’s a way to continue talking about film without having to follow certain narratives.

Tune in where I will answer questions like:
"Is Dwayne Wade the new Monty Hall?"

The thing about The Memory Tourist is that I don’t want it to ever feel constricting. I don’t want to feel like I can’t express my opinion on whatever I deem necessary. This is my website and while I haven’t taken full advantage of it in 2021, it has been such a relief to have it as an outlet, helping me connect with others and even expand my general interests. I hope that this site has the fruition that my previous sites did, giving me an outlet that seeks to make more timeless work. I already feel like I’ve written a few articles that I can bring up whenever it’s topical, and here’s to producing many more. If I can make something that’s entertaining to read in five years, then I’ll know that I have elevated my writing career. 

I know that this is a lot to take in and I apologize for being a mess this year. I felt that my personal health was more important and I appreciate those who have been patient with me. I want to bring The Memory Tourist back, and I may do so sometime after my birthday on July 8. Right now it’s a bit difficult, especially with various ongoing projects and potential jury duty in the near future. I need some more time to work through things, finalizing structure, and get ready to produce work that will hopefully be more fulfilling. There will be a few offshoot pieces in the next few weeks but prepare for the re-invention of The Memory Tourist. It’s going to be a wild time.