Four Months Later…

Two-Thirds. 

That is exactly how far through 2021 that we’ve come. With today marking the start of September, I am left in a bit of awe. Where did the year go? I won’t act like I haven’t gotten to the end of most months and honestly felt like time has played a cruel trick on me. While I don’t quite feel that way about August, there is something to be said about the past four months, where all of the sudden the year changed for me. 

Anyone who has followed The Memory Tourist since last November will know that for this or that reason, I was in a bad headspace. Whereas it could arguably be construed initially as seasonal depression or how my friend suddenly caught Coronavirus, the lingering dread made me believe that there was something more to it. I tried to fight against it in January, praying that this sensation would go away. Instead, it carried. For five whole months, I couldn’t escape my own head. Waking up was difficult, going to sleep was stressful. So much about that time can be chalked up to the worst depression I’ve had in my adult life and definitely my worst bout since 2010.

The journey to the other side is difficult, but there’s something amazing to report. Yes, One-Third of the year was terrible for me mentally. For the life of me, I couldn’t get out of my own way. Every day was a struggle. I’d have panic attacks as I prepared to do the bare minimum of signing onto Zoom for class. I didn’t have to do a presentation or anything. I just didn’t want to be around people. All of the cliches around depression and interactions were very prevalent. I had no attention span and one time had to use an audiobook version of Mary Shelley’s “Frankenstein” to read it because I just couldn’t get through a single page.

For One-Third of 2021, everything was abysmal. While I like to think that my natural sense of optimism kept it from spiraling into something worse, the doubt always took me down – craving validation in irrational ways. Everything I did felt embarrassing if I chose to have an audience at all for it. Sure there were good days, but the issue ultimately became holding onto them, pushing through until I could look at this time in a rearview mirror. It concluded in April during a terrible episode that ultimately convinced me to try harder.

Why do I bring this up? In some respect, there is no good reason. Because of my depression, One-Third of the year may already be mostly forgotten, reduced to long nights of watching Tik Tok videos of depressed people make me concerned for their safety. What did I do? Where did I go? The only good excuse that I’ve got is that the pandemic was still in the murky area where vaccinations weren’t widely distributed, where the idea of public gatherings was horrifying. The thought of hospitals having 0% capacity still haunts me, realizing that I couldn’t do a single thing because too many people relied on me, that I needed to avoid being sick in the hospital.

The same cannot be said for the turning point. I did not plan it this way, but looking at the past four months I’ve realized something incredible. I think that I actually achieved my goal. While there have been mild relapses and lingering intrusive thoughts to deal with, I had escaped the chokehold that depression had on me. This isn’t to say that there haven’t been bad days. It’s more the reality that when I go to sleep, there’s less concern about it toppling the rest of my week. I have found comfort and healthy ways of coping. 

More importantly, I’ve felt generally more alive.

True, it is the general sense that society has “healed” itself. I have proudly been injected with two Moderna shots. I have attended live theater and saw my friend there. I’ve gone to theaters at least five times, finding the sensation slowly returning. I have been more public about being queer, asexual, and demisexual. While it wasn’t my favorite, Cruella (2021) made me feel like things had truly returned to normal, or at least reminded me of what I missed. Sure, I’m not ready for overcrowded theaters, but I’m still counting down the days until Dear Evan Hansen (2021) hits theaters. I’ve gone to classes on campus. I’ve seen people starting to plan weeks and months in advance and for the first time in a while it feels downright practical.

This wasn’t my favorite summer. I didn’t like living through California heat by day and watching the news report The Dixie Fire continue to spin out of control by night. I’m doing my best to not give into darkness again as Spike Lee’s phenomenal HBO 9/11 documentary pulls up memories that I only realize in hindsight traumatized me. For a summer that started with me attending my friend Dorian’s funeral, it has become brighter, more optimistic. I have tried to look for more warmth and comfort. I don’t ignore the problems of the world, but I’m trying not to let them overwhelm me like they once did.

There’s not much of a greater point to this post than to point out how grateful I have been over the past four months. With Two-Thirds of 2021 now behind us, I have more hope for the future. On some level, I am still not ready to embrace a Post-Pandemic world, but I am glad to get through every day. Even the bad ones end differently, where a stressful moment doesn’t lead me to self-sabotage. Instead, I take moments to step back and think of why it bothers me. I don’t always have a satisfying answer and sometimes I do have long periods of distress, but they’re manageable. I think that I know what to do now.

On some level, that is what has made The Memory Tourist invaluable. As I continue to try and understand who I am, I hope to have this outlet to work through things and hopefully connect with people who may have some great advice – or at least some great taste in pop culture. I understand that there are still ways that I can better myself and I hope to get there. For now, I just wanted to point out that we are Two-Thirds of the way through this very confusing year and I hope that you’re taking care of yourself. If not, I hope you find a balance that makes the final stretch produce at least a few great memories for you. I’m going to try and work on that myself. Feel free to tag along if you want.