There is something endearing about February 2022 ending as it has. For all of the problems surrounding this month, it has finished things with a whole string of Palindrome Days, including the lovely, once-a-generation 2/22/22. Much like living through 1991 and 2002, there is something adorable about living through a period that can be read the same forwards and backward. It’s one of the small ways that the world feels full of magic. It may not mean anything, but those who stop and appreciate it may form their own significance.
Which is all that I can do right now. Truthfully, the month only began feeling overwhelming halfway through, and this was largely due to my schedule being filled with activity. On top of relaunching The Memory Tourist after a much-needed hiatus, I am currently in my third semester at CSULB and really feeling the pressure of being a bookworm. In-between evening classes twice a week and the others having 4-5 hours of reading, there’s not a whole lot of time to breathe some days. The good news is that this is officially my first full semester on campus where I show up every day, ready to go. The effort to get there and sit with like-minded individuals has greatly impacted my outlook on the classes and, in some ways, makes me more appreciative of what is being taught.
Because of this, a lot of simple pleasures have largely been put on the backburner. While I have been fortunate enough to rush home most nights to catch Jeopardy!’s recent College Tournament of Champions, there were nights recently where I was too burned out to watch The Olympics, finding boredom at watching people move on ice or snow. It felt redundant, though that may have just been because of how preoccupied I’ve been. Most nights I’d put on a movie and think about what I needed to do for tomorrow.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m doing school solely for my benefit. I love the academic environment and have tried to apply it to my personal studies. This is most evident in my Short Stop column where I’m exploring independently the work of William Faulkner. Right now I’m trying to expand my voice on this website and find small ways to mix intellectual debate with more casual, personal stories. As a writer, I feel it’s important to continue growing and make something that is authentic to yourself. I like to think that I’m achieving that with each passing class.
To close out this section, I am also super proud to say that CSULB Men’s Basketball currently sits atop The Big West rankings. Things may have changed since I published this, but for a few weeks, we have had unprecedented success, doing some of the best numbers we’ve had in over six years. While I haven’t been to a game this season, I did see Women’s Basketball play CSUSB recently and had a good time. Overall, this school has a solid athletics department and I can only hope we at least get far enough to be considered for March Madness.
Beyond this, life has become a bit more complicated. As of this publication, I am less than a week removed from when Grandpa Willett passed away from a mix of ailments that include being in his 90s and COVID-19. He marks the first person I know to have died from the virus, but that feels less important than trying to pay tribute to his memory. Things are still unraveling and I hope to have a tribute out in the near future. For now, I am sitting and ruminating with all of the memories we shared, trying to make sense of what he personally gave me in our relationship.
Those final years have been rough simply because he was older and thus needed more care. My father especially has made a lot of sacrifices to make sure that he lived to his best potential. The few times that I saw him were usually upbeat and found him at his house watching golf. It’s been months since I last saw him in person as he’s been in the hospital, but I like to think that final moment held some significance. He was supportive of my writing career and was said to have read both of my books. I greatly appreciate his enthusiasm in that regard.
Also, my father’s cats recently gave birth to kittens. Given that they were born under the couch, I will take to calling them The Dust Bunnies until they get names (even then, I think it’s a cute nickname). I haven’t got to spend too much time with them, but they have all the adorableness and affection that you’d expect kittens to have. I’m curious to know what personalities they form as they grow older.
I wouldn’t call this a perfect transition, but for a moment I would like to shift attention to social issues. While I am not a very outspoken person nor do I really know how to be an activist, there is something that is breaking my heart right now in Texas. Following a year that featured record high anti-trans bills being considered across America, Governor Abbott has decided to outlaw medical access to transgender children among other things. Considering that this is also around the time that Florida introduced the Don’t Say Gay Bill, it feels like a stressful time to be young and queer.
In a time when you’d like to think that progress has been made, it’s disconcerting to see these laws. Then again, Abbott is the type who prefers to bully transgender children and create complicated abortion laws instead of deal with more important issues that impact the safety of his state (remember that blackout last year?). What Texas and Florida are doing is hurting so many people, bringing back shame to identity, and trying to establish a toxic heteronormativity. I’m thankful for everyone brave enough to stand up and fight for the protection of those vulnerable in the community, who recognize the humanity and innocence of those most impacted.
To be honest, I’m afraid of this starting waves and regressing the nation to a time before the 1990s, before “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” and maybe even back to the days when homosexuality was considered a mental illness. It feels like a criminal move to be queer right now, where even the accepting parents are being painted as villains. I want to believe that this country has more of a backbone than that, but only the future will really determine how things go.
To relate it more personally to me, this reminds me of my own recent journey with determining my asexuality. I was in high school during the late 2000s when being gay was effeminate stereotypes and lesbian performative to the mainstream. Stories weren’t that rich or diverse to the point that Brokeback Mountain (2005) got backlash for simply painting a gay relationship as sensitive and complex. In 2008, California voted yes on Prop 8 which outlawed gay marriage, where many hid behind the old chestnut “You can be gay, just not around me” excuse. In college, I had a Philosophy teacher once give an hour-long speech about why he was voting for it despite having gay friends.
I’d love to have the nuanced narratives we have today back then. I’d love to grow up in a time where transgender characters were sympathetic and not “deceptive men in drag” when they appeared in a film. Regardless of what you believe, media does impact how you see the world. To me, seeing LGBTQIA+ people on TikTok has been so affirming, pushing my boundaries of understanding to something greater. If only everyone else stopped and listened to their stories, maybe there would be some compassion, an appreciation for how much sacrifice goes into not only being queer, but also allowing yourself to be open and honest with the public about it. Maybe if I had that, I would’ve desired more to understand how queerness related to me, that there wouldn’t be this lingering shame I sometimes get remembering my homophobic friends in high school and realizing that it probably lead to certain denials. Now that I’m older and don’t have a strong in-person support group, it’s a different kind of difficult to really question and more specifically act on too much.
But for these children who have been impacted by everything, I continue to want the best for them. My belief is that the next generation (in every sense) should have it better. The elders should work hard to make the world a better place, whether it’s social acceptance or even things like the economy, housing, or education. To me, those on TikTok who have found a community fills me with joy, knowing that even if they feel alone in the real world, there are others out there willing to provide their own helpful advice. There’s less hopelessness than when I was a teenager. In fact, I recently went to my old high school for a poetry reading and there was a wall that featured homemade pride flags, including asexual, aromantic, and even intersex.
It felt beautiful to know that, for whatever reason those were up, the conversation was being had. I don’t know that being gay was outlawed when I was a student there, but it was definitely more hush-hush. I remember a time when a jock got into a full-on argument across the room because a gay man was talking to a friend about how funny he thought Samwell’s “What What (In the Butt)” video was. I do not personally know what teenagers are like anymore, but I like to think there’s more confidence that’ll fight this nonsense and have their rights restored.
Anyway, onto happier things. For starters, I did get to see Jackass Forever (2022) on opening day in theaters. While it wasn’t quite on par with Jackass Number Two (2006), there’s something amazing about near 50-year-olds still doing half of the stunts on display. It’s ribald and shocking in every way. While I personally found Jackass 3D (2010) to be too gross for my liking, this was a nice balance that had a mix of the old hits with some new things that reflect how despite being some of the dumbest ideas imaginable, there is something brilliant about Johnny Knoxville’s fortitude. He really just goes for it, and I’m amazed that audiences have been very enthusiastic this time around. It’s still gross and shocking, but it somehow feels more palatable this time around. If nothing else, watching that in contrast to Jackass the Movie (2002) really shows how far they’ve gone. 20 years later, the original feels like a shoestring budget indie while the latest feels like a self-destructing Michael Bay movie.
Other than that, I’ve been getting into P.J. Harvey and Orville Peck. The latter’s recent E.P. “Bronco: Chapter 1” is four flawless songs. I’m trying to expand my tastes every week so if you have any great recommendations, please let me know. I’m also digging hyperpop and modern indie pop artists like Snail Mail and Mitski if you need more suggestions.
This month’s How I Live Now comes at a bit of an awkward time, as I’m about to have a very eventful weekend. On Saturday, I will be seeing a touring production of Wicked. While I have listened to the music a few times, the larger story remains a mystery and I’ve convinced myself to be excited (I do love witches). I’m hoping for the biggest, most shameless spectacle that I’ve seen since maybe Miss Saigon. I may even buy a shirt. Then on Sunday, I will also be attending a local production of Into the Woods, which will also feature a preshow concert of Stephen Sondheim music. Going to be a pretty fun weekend full of fairytales.
While there’s a lot going on in the world that is a mess, there’s a lot that has made me excited to have lived through February. This has been a satisfying, eventful period for me. I've accomplished so much that I'm proud to carry on throughout the year. While I've missed certain goals (notably releasing my E-Book version of “Downtime”), I hope to get to them in time. There’s a lot to look forward to with March, including hopefully seeing Cyrano (2021) finally in theaters. Other than that, continue to hope that things will get better and that I’ll remain fine. More than anything, that is what’s made this month incredible. I have more going for me than I did this time last year, and that feels amazing. I can only hope in your own small way that February 2022 has treated you with respect and love as well.
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