Understandably, discussing sex work in relation to asexuality isn’t a popular topic. For many, the very term translates to a total lack of sexual attraction. On the one hand, it is true though is a very rudimentary understanding of the larger aspec umbrella. It’s important to dig into the various corners of the community. There’s sex favorable, sex neutral, and sex averse which are as direct as they sound. From there, one can break down asexuality into a spectrum that is sometimes referred to as greysexual. While this post isn’t meant to break down all of the nuances, it does feel important to note that of the labels within the umbrella, demisexual may be one of the most difficult for allosexuals to understand.
In short, a demisexual is someone who is only sexually attracted to someone after forming an intimate bond with them. The argument suggests this is a ridiculous term because everybody experiences this. The more generalized phrase “you’re asexual until you’re not” may be a little more palpable for them. Still, the idea of everybody in the community being sex averse has been a difficult stigma to overcome on a public scale and is generally why I don’t discuss demisexuality in a casual setting. It’s complicated and I’m not sure that I fully understand it. Even then, those flashing moments where it suddenly makes sense are enough to convince you that there’s more nuance to these matters than credit reserves.
By coincidence, I found two great examples during a rather boring August. While this post will be dedicated to the brilliance of Good Luck to You, Leo Grande (2022), I would like to open with an example that made me feel “seen” where I hadn’t expected. As a creative writing major, I read E.L. James’ “Fifty Shades of Grey,” if just to assess what popular prose looked like. To be honest, it is an awful book even by trashy standards, but it did leave me with one strange revelation… Anastasia Steele is quite possibly the most popular demisexual that media has ever produced. I know this doesn’t totally make sense, but let me quote a passage that related a bit too much to the demisexual mentality:
“Katherine often teases me that I’m missing the need-a-boyfriend gene, but the truth is I just haven’t met anyone who… well, whom I’m attracted to, even though part of me longs for the fabled trembling knees, heart-in-my-mouth, butterflies-in-my-belly moments.Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. Perhaps I’ve spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high. But in reality, nobody’s ever made me feel like that.”
Sure, this could also read as asexual, but given how effortlessly she throws herself at Christian Grey, I’m putting her closer to demisexual. She is only attracted to him and nobody else for reasons unknown. As much as she’s a poorly written, dim-witted character, there is something about the less erotic chapters that ring painfully true, reflecting insecurity about amatanormativity that is difficult to escape. Sure, the subsequent BDSM relationship isn’t necessarily the healthiest, and better experts have written why, but considering Steele in this way made the read interesting.
To be honest, it’s the exact same thing with Nancy Stokes (Emma Thompson) in Good Luck to You, Leo Grande but presented in a nuanced way that actually makes you understand the complexity a whole lot better. The forceful dominance is gone. In its place is Nancy: an aging woman trying to experience thrills in her life. Given social expectations, she turns to sex in hopes of feeling alive, like she’s suddenly going to find a part of her that is missing. Like most aspecs, there is that disconnect from the greater world because of a lack of sexual attraction, and it makes certain ritualistic behaviors seem like miracle cures. Nancy is going to spend an hour in bed with Leo Grande (Daryl McCormack) and every sensation in her body is going to wake her up from this platonic coma.
It would be one thing if that was the story. If Leo Grande was a hero who had all the answers when it came to sex, the film would be over in 25 minutes. It would also be exploitative and not hailed as a mature and thoughtful depiction of adult relationships. What makes it brilliant is that even in a film so geared around simple acts like oral sex, there is an effort to understand the people you’re about to be intimate with. Given that both characters enter the scene with pseudonyms, one has to wonder how intimate two strangers can ultimately be – especially when Leo suggests his family believes he works on an oil rig. It’s a lie that unravels as the story progresses, but reflects these diversions from a true self that keeps for an honest interaction.
Over four meetings, Nancy and Leo perform what feels like an accelerated version of the ideal demisexual relationship. Meeting One isn’t all that explicit. If anything, it’s more symbolic of a board meeting where Nancy sits nervously in more conservative wear and tries to set up boundaries around sex. There’s a nervousness that keeps her from feeling genuine, where she’s not comfortable having a stranger touch her. There is a distance even if Leo has so much masterful charm. Leo is almost too compassionate down to admitting that he has clients who are disabled and that everyone deserves love in their own way. He is unbearably attractive on a personality level, making you feel safe in his control.
As one can assume, Meeting Two moves the two closer to the final actions. However, this is where the film becomes something greater. While people like verilybitchie have pointed out how Good Luck to You, Leo Grande is not the best depiction of sex work, it is definitely a great two person play about what it’s like to feel the slow onset of demisexuality. The initial meeting is so awkward and lacks any sense of attraction. Sex as a goal is almost ignored despite being the reason that they’re both there.
By the second, Nancy’s barriers are coming down. To comfort her, Leo asks her to discuss her life. She is a teacher who was fairly prudish. Another sign that she may fall on the asexual spectrum is a story about how she personally wants to be 16 again because of promiscuity. She feels disconnected from their ability to be open with others, and it becomes clear why. She is self-critical, too shy to throw herself on another because she is ashamed of her body. Leo invites her to discuss the various flaws before calling her beautiful. Most demisexuals likely struggle with intimacy because of their self-criticism around their body, and it creates surprising disarmament when someone calls them beautiful. I’d imagine this becomes more evident the older one gets and the feeling that your body is past its prime. It is definitely there in Nancy, who feels some guilt around not being more like everybody else.
To the cast and crew’s credit, this is a story that could be tedious but instead emphasizes personalities and becomes a much more interesting exercise. I have trouble seeing it as a romantic comedy because of the awareness that it’s just a transaction. Even if Leo ends up revealing himself, this is a fling meant to fulfill certain conflicts that Nancy has in her life. Who is to say that Nancy returns to having sex with anyone after she leaves Leo’s company? The only thing that is known is that Leo has taught her to be comfortable in her body and explore regions that give her pleasure. One can argue if this is all she proceeds to do, she’s still fairly asexual. With that said, her shifting views around a sexualized world reflect the other conflicts asexuals often face. For example, reading it this way may be seen as confirming that asexuals can have sex without attraction. Also, the need to accept others’ right to express themselves in consenting manners is different from making others feel bad for dressing provocatively.
By the third date, sex has finally entered the equation. It’s more evident in Meeting Four, but that’s because of the clever writing. If you go into the first meeting asking “Who is Leo Grande?” by this point, there is a substantial enough awareness of who each other is that they can respect each other’s intimacy. Leo listens and Nancy trusts him. It’s when the film gets to reflect the pleasure the characters are experiencing, and it comes with a certain comfort in their bodies that allows them to feel like an honest action is happening. They have scratched far enough through the artifice that all that’s left is this honesty that makes them feel safe.
I’m aware that Good Luck to You, Leo Grande isn’t officially demisexual coded, but it feels necessary to consider it because of how little representation is out there. Yes, asexual media has been on the rise over the past few years, but it feels like wider audiences are still trying to get a beginner’s definition. With that said, many demi characters are at best interpretive because of how they can be seen as simply characters who start as friends and move on to lovers. It’s not the same, but that’s why it’s hard to code them. Do it too explicitly (like Jughead on Riverdale) and you’ll be accused of making an asexual character allo. I’m not entirely sure how you’d write one without outwardly saying “I’m demisexual!” but Nancy is the closest I’ve seen in contemporary media.
Which is to say that I’m not entirely convinced that she is designed to be that way. I feel like she was designed to reflect the personal desires of aging women who feel ignored by society. It’s a valid perspective to have and one that I fully respect, but as a glimpse into Nancy’s life, I do see traces of demisexuality in how the story unfolds. The mystery element comes with hesitance, as if willingly giving yourself to a stranger is sacrilegious. I am much younger than Nancy, and yet there are elements of her character that feel recognizable, where a relationship feels platonic until it doesn’t, and that usually comes over time of knowing someone. The essence changes and the personality reveals something greater. I never felt Leo was imposing, but he definitely grew more attractive as a character because of his willingness to be open and become a helpful partner.
Like Anastasia Steele, Nancy is simply looking for that feeling that society has told her she’s supposed to have. Whether or not it’s because she’s rejected it is up for interpretation. However, I feel like "Fifty Shades of Grey” reflects a similar demisexual relationship from a more tragic lens, of being emotionally manipulated. Christian Grey offers her more than Leo ever could, and yet he feels more real and attractive. He is more than a sex worker. He is a man with a complicated life that understands the difficulty of being comfortable in one’s body. He is supportive and I think it makes sense that despite being far less kinky and explicit, it results in something much more satisfying from a demisexual relationship.
Asexuality and sex is a difficult subject and there’s far more media that should be made exploring this topic. While I’m fine taking whatever respectfully and honestly explores the struggle, for now, I’ll take Good Luck to You, Leo Grande as a great coded example of how much more curious the aspec identity can be. For those who are sex favorable, maybe Leo seems more recognizable. He’s definitely someone who convincingly forwards the plot without making the sex feel predatory. His genuine heart is on display, and watching Nancy, demisexual or not, realize the deep seeded passions inside of her is a wonder to behold. Not all adult relationships move at the speed of light like “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Some of them move slowly, taking time to figure out what works. In that case, Good Luck to You, Leo Grande is a brilliant study of why the value of chemistry in intimacy is very important.
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