October didn’t go how I expected. Isn’t this supposed to be Halloween season, where everything is spooky and the autumn air is crisp with anticipation? Now I’m not saying that everyone else hasn’t gotten into the spirit, but I’ve had personal trouble feeling immersed in the horror of it all, where the campy presence of unmarked graves and ghosts flying around just changes how you see the world. Maybe it’s that I’m wrapped up in my penultimate semester of university or that quite frankly, September was awful enough for me that this has been a month to recoup. Whatever it is, I feel some remorse over not watching more scary movies (saw some great Dario Argento and Ishiro Honda works though) but that’s how the cards lay.
I am unsure why I want Fall 2022 to feel different. Maybe it’s just the sense of reinvention that I’ve had the past few years where I want to break free of what I felt was limiting me before. There is a desire to explore the world again and appreciate what it means to be alive. I’ve even been amused by the one-two punch of network TV transitioning from Halloween promos to Christmas within seconds. Whereas this used to make me feel like holidays were encroaching on each other, now I just accept it as this unified appreciation of The Fall Season.
Maybe it’s that the weather has finally cooled down. Maybe it’s that it has rained and given the dried earth some life again. Whatever it is, October has felt meaningful for me. I want to believe that this feeling will continue into our final two months of the year. While I still haven’t embraced the novelty of Halloween to its fullest, I am at least curious again. I don’t want loud noises scaring me, but the creative exploration of the spirit is beautiful. I love the diversity.
On the one hand, a lot of October has been me trying to recover from September. While the majority of my COVID-19 symptoms have faded, I had congestion issues for several weeks after. The effort to feel “normal” was difficult, which only made the day where it felt like it finally had passed all the better. Don’t get me wrong. I’m thankful to be vaccinated. I believe wholeheartedly that I would be in a worse condition if I wasn’t. Even then, having to work through it has reminded me a lot of things about being 33 and needing to take better care of my health. I still need to do that, but I’ve only gotten better.
I suppose the one thing that I’ll mention is that this is being written during Asexual Awareness Week. While I am not connected to any major affiliations putting on programs this week, I have experienced comfort in knowing that this time exists, if just as an educational tool and to create interest in ace creators. Maybe I’ll read Alice Oseman’s “Heartstopper” as a celebration or even rewatch Princess Cyd (2017). There’s a lot of great media out there, and I’m happy to know it exists. I’m proud of everyone doing great work and I hope it only continues to get better.
With that said, it does feel a little deflating to celebrate in contrast to knowing that homophobia is remaining a big issue in The United States. While I haven’t stayed on top of every news piece, I am aware of how much anti-transgender legislation is making its way through local courts. There’s also rumors of someone bringing forth a national Don’t Say Gay Bill that has me a bit alarmed. It hasn’t been a great year for LGBTQIA+ in terms of politics, but I am thankful for everyone who stands up for justice.
The same could be said for those fighting the rise in antisemitism, especially in the wake of terrible Kanye West comments. It’s unpleasant sometimes to see people’s true colors, especially when it has the ability to incite violence as wide of a scale as West is likely to do. If you don’t believe artists have the power to change public opinion, keep this in mind. Same could be said for J.K. Rowling, whose recent comments about not caring about backlash because of money shows how capitalism can hurt morality. Given that they’re billionaires, I don’t know how we even fight back with equal force, so good on those who can figure it out.
Back to the positive. I’m happy that people like Dylan Mulvaney can proudly transition on TikTok and get deals with Ulta Beauty and meet the president. There’s so much to be grateful for, but I look forward to a day when people are at least empathetic. As great as it is to have stuff like Heartbreak High and High School out there making lovely queer romances, I think it’s important to understand their importance in relation to the larger society. Showing us as normal and deserving of love has so much power. Sure, verilybitchie may disagree, but it’s a comforting shift from where things were when I was as a teenager.
With that said, I want to give the biggest of shout-outs to what is currently my favorite narrative film of the year: Todd Field’s Tár (2022). Not only is it Cate Blanchett’s best movie since Carol (2015), but there is so much about it that makes me feel alive with the potential of cinema. I wish all movies would play with form like this, allowing the viewer to exist in a state of confusion as everything is set up. Will this be a redemption story or one of a triumphant downfall? Even then, I love how Blanchett can deliver these monologues while navigating a Julliard classroom and eviscerating her students for hating Bach. Once you know the film, so much of the symbolism is present early on in these powerful long takes, allowing you to feel the immense control she had and how much she lost. You’re left in awe of every new development, not entirely sure what is real, and it reminds you of what cinema should be. This is quite possibly the most revelatory experience I’ve had in a theater since Titane (2021). Everything about this is art and I’d love to talk about it more at length soon enough.
I don’t know if anything this month has really topped watching Tár. Much like listening to A Strange Loop earlier this year, you are searching for great art but are often deprived of it. There’s a lot of really good media out there, but I long to have one that feels like it’s made by someone so in control of their craft that they challenge the very medium it’s constructed in. Like Michael R. Jackson’s musical, it’s the type of work that makes you gasp with amazement not solely because it's great but because I haven’t seen art this provocative in so long. It’s like you forget how good that feeling is and I love it. I just wish that art could do that more consistently, but then it might resist feeling special. I cherish it when it comes around.
With that said, music has been feeling more special this past month. As much as I’m self-conscious for not having more mainstream tastes, I do love the sense of discovery that I’ve had this year. October has been a phenomenal month for new releases. Starting with Björk, I have been catching up on her music in tandem with the excellent podcast “Sonic Symbolism.” As a creative writing major, I long to understand how all expression is crafted, and I think music feels special because I don’t have the words to explain how these songs are created. “Fossora” is beautiful and maternal in ways that warrant headphones. Björk has great control over her sound and I love that she also has a clarity that shines in her soundscapes.
As usual, I am closing in on calling Ethel Cain’s “Preacher’s Daughter” my favorite album of the year, if just because of how satisfying it is to get lost in those songs. I’m also a fan of the catchy pop of Shygirl’s “Nymph” and I discovered Yeule’s “Glitch Princess” which overall is a bit too dysmorphic for me but has a profound understanding of loneliness and internal pain that makes me respect it. Overall, I would say that the record I’m adding to the rotation is Ashe’s “Rae.” Front to back, it’s one of the most enjoyable records I’ve heard and knows how to make me smile. I’ve had “Another Man’s Jeans” and “omw” stuck in my head for days. Will it be replaced by the new Carly Rae Jepsen? Who can tell? “Beach House” is a bop, though.
Though what I will say is that the biggest surprise of the month was that I might love Meghan Trainor’s “Takin' It Back.” I do believe that it’s a very goofy and earnest record, but hear me out. Have you ever been consuming too much media that veers more into melancholy and just suddenly hear a record that feels free of cynicism? This isn’t like Disney or even Katy Perry where I question the motives behind their joy. Trainor strikes me as genuine not necessarily because she’s just repurposing 50s pop, but because lyrically she’s presenting positive affirmations that acknowledge the pain of experience. It was downright beautiful and some of those songs just made me flutter. It’s the type of record that made me feel like I should try to be more positive. Sure, it’ll never hit like Ethel Cain, but I am happy to know that I can allow joy into my life especially after last month.
I would also like to say that I’m happy to know that the NBA season is back on. There hasn’t been enough for me to really comment on, but what I will say is that I am always happy to see The Los Angeles Clippers come back with a full roster. While I haven’t caught a game that Kawhi Leonard has played, I am hopeful that his match-up with Paul George will get the results we’ve been craving for the past few seasons. We got to the western conference finals before with a team like this, and here’s hoping we can do it again. They’ve been looking good.
To close out, I thought that I’d mention that right now a lot of my mind has been focused on the future. Given that I have one whole semester of university to go, I need to think about the next step of life. Where am I going? Right now, I am longing to find a sense of community that I can turn to when I need someone to talk to and simply feel included. As much as I love my social media friends, what I want is something more tangible. Part of this anxiety has been the result of not knowing what the next step after school is. This would be my first time on the other side, and I worry about things going in the wrong direction. I’m hoping to find ways to better myself while I still have time and reach my Mid-30s with a sense of forward momentum.
I know it’s not October’s fault for making me think that way, but at the same time, I tend to get nostalgic around this time. December especially has this ominous self-reflection attached to it that makes me contemplate what I’m doing with my life. November, by comparison, won’t offer as many emotional highs but it’ll be interesting given we’re entering my first holiday season without my grandparents. What does Thanksgiving look like? I never cared for the pageantry, but what does it mean without needing to make yourself look good for company? I would assume we could shift to doing something more akin to that Funny People (2009) scene, but that’s a private matter. Christmas will be even stranger, but I’m sure we’ll make it work.
As a whole, 2022 hasn’t felt like the most accomplished year for me. In some respect, this semester of school has felt a bit rocky. Even then, I’m trying to end with a productive mindset, and it’s in part just appreciating what I’m doing to better myself. I know what I need to do and now I just need to practice it. Try to be happy and healthy. I’m about to see Moulin Rouge! in a few weeks, and one can hope that dazzler will lighten my spirits even more. I don’t know what to expect, but I’m sure you’ll hear about it.
For now, I end October not so much with the spooky vibes that I was expecting, but with a sense of realignment. Things are starting to look clearer again. I just need to keep working towards that goal and hope for the best. I’m going to be writing my third novel next year and that is incredible. I might even have a few short stories out by then. For now, I watch the clock tick down with gratitude for everything. Life is good to me. I got to see Tár. I get to see musicals. What’s not to love about life right now?
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