One thing that's incredible about November is how it feels like it came and went. I know that this is usually a side effect of aging, where one day blends into another so unimpressively, but that’s what’s different about 2022. Some of these months have been so quick that I never took time to appreciate them while others are gone without a greater sense of accomplishment. It’s the type of mentality that makes me scared for December, believing that this year will be over before I have time to look back fondly. As much as I’m ready to dive into the festive spirit and try to find an appreciation outside of myself, I’m left wondering why November has been one of the fastest months in so long. September and October, as great as they were, had a normal pacing, but right now I’m looking at my checklist and very impressed with how much has happened in such a short window.
Each individual topic would’ve been able to fill a substantial portion of this entry because in a lot of ways they are formative to who I am right now. Maybe it could be that I am in the closing stretch of my penultimate school semester and have been keeping my nose in books, nervously trying to reach the finish line with passable grades. As much as I’ve tried to get into the right head space, I do think that missing my second week due to Coronavirus has stymied me in ways that I haven’t been able to overcome. No matter how much I’ve applied myself and done a considerable effort in attendance and homework, there is that part of me that still feels behind. Could it be imposter syndrome, or the “senioritis” as my high school crowd would’ve called it? I am unsure, but I’m doing what I can to hold onto optimism and maybe, just maybe, this is all healthy skepticism. It’s only when I worry that I motivate myself to get things done. This is necessary.
The good news is that if everything goes according to plan, I stand to end my time in academia with a great Spring 2023 semester. I’m especially keeping my eye on a Virginia Woolf class, if just to parallel a class I took this year on James Joyce that ended up being one of my favorites. Let’s just say that I’m not entirely sure that I would’ve appreciated “Ulysses” as much as I do without weekly conversations on whatever was going on in chapters like “Oxen of the Sun.” I imagine the same would be true of Woolf, who I haven’t read but really loved the Tilda Swinton movie Orlando (1992) and can imagine the rest is just as good.
But that’s the future. It’s easy for me to get caught up in that way of thinking this time of year because that’s how my brain works. December is an end of a year and thus the end of a chapter of my life. We all publish magazines and articles trying to preserve this period in a manner that will be personal and real, one free of later criticism and reevaluation. It’s what’s beautiful about being alive in a Post-Christmas December. You have nothing left to do but wonder what your life has amounted to since January as you prepare to start on a new excavation.
I suppose the easiest place to jump back to is The November Midterm Election. As has been the case since 2007, I have voted in every noteworthy election both local and national. Even if I live in California where you can reelect Gavin Newsom in two minutes, there’s still something thrilling about seeing those numbers come in, and watching national percentages change. I imagine that I keep myself away from gambling because of how exciting the world of chance is. Knowing that I’m not an adept thinker, I don’t think I’d make smart decisions with a snap decision. I wouldn’t know when to quit.
That is why I watch from afar, cheering on former Long Beach mayor Robert Garcia for winning a U.S. House of Representatives seat and becoming the first LGBTQIA+ immigrant to be there. In celebration, he joked that he would quote RuPaul on the house floor. I’ve been a fan of his for a few years now and think he’s handled the COVID-19 vaccination rollout very well. Also, not to brag, but we were at the same performance of In the Heights when Musical Theater West put it on many years ago. I’ve been in close proximity to a congressman. Be jealous.
But I suppose the great news is that any initial fears of the election going south were mostly proven wrong. Midterms usually go in contrast to the previous election, and I would argue Democrats haven’t been as successful as they could be for this or that reason. The mythologized “red wave” technically didn’t happen everywhere, but it’s still disconcerting to see places like Texas elect Governor Abbott following a very embarrassing year of blackouts, Anti-LGBTQIA+ legislation, and women’s reproductive rights that are downright cruel. Not sure why you’d elect someone who seems hellbent on murdering you slowly, but it only makes me more thankful to be from California. Then again, Ron DeSantis and the whole “Don’t Say Gay” movement makes Florida’s current election also disconcerting – especially since he’s rumored to be running for president pretty soon.
I don’t really understand why this nation can be so cruel to those who are simply living their lives. I feel like I’ve said it before, but in my brief time of identifying as queer, I’ve found more comfort from the rainbow/progress flags than the stars and stripes. This isn’t to say that I don’t admire the freedoms that we have and certain securities that come with it, but waking up to see Erin Reed discussing terrible Anti-Trans legislation just makes it difficult to feel like we’re moving forward. The rhetoric has been consistently awful and I hate how this whole community is demonized simply because they express themselves differently from the conservative 1950s values many seem hung up on.
Which brings me to something inevitable. Having taken a few days off Twitter, I prolonged my absence in light of recent news. This past Sunday was Trans Day of Remembrance following Trans Week of Visibility, but it feels overshadowed by one of the most terrible actions. In a culture stuck in a loop of mass shootings, there was one in Colorado Springs, CO at Club Q where five were killed and 18 injured. Things could’ve been worse if not for Richard Fierro, who thankfully disarmed the shooter. Even then, the fact that the hate crime’s motives could be predicted based on certain homophobic media rhetoric makes it less shocking yet more disheartening. Given that these places are safe spaces of self-expression, it’s even more sickening and scary to think about potential future attacks.
I will openly admit that I feel inadequate in the queer community. This is not so much because they aren’t welcoming. They are amazing people and I love knowing them. However, the lack of direct interaction and experience just makes me feel distant in a way. I think I learn as much about a Pre-20th Century queer history because I want to believe it’s more than a modern fad. I want to see the patterns of happiness and survival. While I’ve done plenty that’s great and positive, I think my fear around activism and speaking up has made me critical of myself. I am supportive, but maybe not in ways that are leading to real change. I have no idea. Then again, what could I do to prevent a Colorado shooting? It’s all so frustrating and I just want everyone to be respected already.
I understand that it’s difficult to do an effective transition back into the happier stuff, but I’ll try. For those who haven’t been watching, Jeopardy! has held its recent Tournament of Champions (starting on Halloween night of all nights), and it has been quite a thrilling ride. If you haven’t watched the Matt Amodio, Amy Schneider, Mattea Roach episode I highly recommend it if just because of how casual and fun it is (I actually bought “Middlemarch” because of that episode). The results were much more surprising than that and I think it reflects the show at its best. A non-binary contestant named Rowan Ward won the Play-In Tournament. Roach is a lesbian and Schneider – who won it all – is a trans woman. It’s an incredible time to watch the show and see such wonderful inclusion. Also, on top of Schneider being a great contestant, she recently gave a speech against Anti-Trans legislation, thus using her platform for good. All I can say is that for as awful as the world sometimes feels, having people with power who can speak out for justice makes things a little easier to deal with.
While not nearly as crucial as everything that I have mentioned before, I am happy to announce that I have seen Marc Maron live. After being a fan of him since 2011, I took the moment he visited CSULB to finally see him talk for 90 minutes. What I love is that even beyond his cantankerous personality, he has hope for the world and is generally supporting the right causes. While there were times I worried the show would lean too much into liberal talking points, he did it in a way that fits a greater worldview and helped navigate to his more personal routines. That’s when it all clicked why I’ve been coming to him twice a week for over the decade. He has been through some awful things in this pandemic, and yet he finds reasons to keep moving forward and looking for hope. We may be from very different backgrounds, but I do recognize the small ways we see the world similarly, which is comforting. I wrote about it here if you want more.
Speaking of things that are comforting, I also went to The Aquarium of the Pacific for the first time in years and had a great time. There was an Asian festival going on and I watched this fun trio of drummers perform a few numbers. There’s something about the overlaying percussion that I just love so much. Those who really know how to warp a melody are the best. While the penguins weren’t out due to the threat of bird flu, I did see puffins getting fed and the joy they expressed as they downed five fish whole is such a beautiful sight. I also got a sea otter plushy from the gift store. I don’t know, they’re cute but after seeing an Instagram Live a few years back where they discussed their hygienic maintenance, I’m not romanticizing the idea of touching one of those smelly things.
I’ve also been catching up on all of the 2022 films that I’ve maybe missed. Among the two dozen I’ve seen, the one that stands out most is The Banshees of Inisherin (2022). As someone who is infatuated with Celtic culture, it was easy for me to love this story of two lonely men trying to navigate a very small world and recognize how limited their friend groups were. Carter Burwell’s score is phenomenal and tied with Disasterpeace’s Marcel the Shell with Shoes On (2022) score for favorite of the year. I’ll confess that I’m a bit surprised that it’s drafted as much awards attention as it has given how dark and moody the whole piece is, but it’s such a perfect little beast that I’m still thinking about every small detail Martin McDonagh has put into it. I would also like to give a quick shoutout to Benediction (2022), Weird: The Al Yankovic Story (2022), and Armageddon Time (2022) that are all very much worth your time. I would also like to highly recommend Stutz (2022), which features one of my favorite exchanges of the year in which Jonah Hill discussed his body image issues that aren’t dissimilar from mine.
Like most people, I’m also watching The White Lotus and enjoying this European getaway. It’s always nice to see Aubrey Plaza working in top form and seeing Mike White have a victory lap after being underseen in Enlightened makes me happy. Other than that, I found the recent American Horror Story season (“NYC”) to be one of their best in at least five years. I understand that it’s mostly a horror bent on queer themes Ryan Murphy has explored elsewhere, but it’s done so well. Also, I’m sad to be on the other side of Atlanta, which ranks among the finest TV series I’ve watched over the past decade and I love that it continually surprised me. I would highly recommend “The Goof Who Sat By the Door,” which caught me so off guard and is maybe the finest half hour of TV I’ve seen this year.
As far as music goes, I’m in a bit of a mixed mood lately. I’ve been revisiting albums that I loved from earlier in the year, notably by Hatchie (“Giving the World Away”) and Allison Wonderland (“Loner”), and trying to appreciate their atmospheric appeal now that the weather feels fitting. For me, there’s something blissful about listening to something like Cannons on a dark late night and driving through a city, as if the echoing vocals are calling out for somebody far away. I would also highly recommend Let’s Eat Grandma’s “Two Ribbons,” which I’ve seen on a few Best Of lists but never considered until a few weeks ago. The New Year’s Eve song is amazing and I just love getting lost in that world. I would also like to second Lizzy McAlpine’s recommendation to check out Olivia Barton’s “This is a Good Sign,” which is another confessional bedroom pop album that has plenty of charm.
As you can guess, that’s another reason that I’ve fallen in love with Garbage. I just listened to their self-titled album for the first time and I hate how it’s taken me this long to do it. Given that I’ve heard them on the radio since I was a preteen, it makes no sense why I wouldn’t want to blast this through headphones, getting lost in the ether. Shirley Manson just has a perfect voice and the instrumentation is ethereal. I love the lyrics which are brilliantly deconstructing identity and faith. Then again, in a year where I’m downing a lot of Liz Phair and P.J. Harvey, it makes sense that I’m as hooked as I am.
To shift gears a little bit on the home stretch, I want to go back to something more personal. As many loyal readers will know, there is some codependence that I have on Twitter. There’s a great community there and I love interacting with them. While I’ve pulled back the past two years, there’s still times where I find myself lost in the ether. I feel like this has been especially true in the wake of Elon Musk buying the website for $44 billion. I cannot even fathom that amount of money, let alone that a fraction of it could’ve solved world hunger. There’s so much waste in this business decision that makes me ashamed to be around him. He’s one of the few people I’ve blocked for reasons other than trolling (though that’s not not true). And yet, he’s such a constant fixture on the website that I hate it.
The people making fun of him have become annoying. Everything has felt like it now centers around him in a way that probably appeals to the teenagers who love to antagonize people (trust me, I did it too), but doesn’t to me. I just want it to feel like it used to, and there were times where that was true. The people I respect are still the same old person they’ve always been. However, there was a rumor last week where Twitter was going to disappear. While I tried to not get hung up in the overreaction, I did find myself buying into it as people were talking about Mastodon and sharing Letterboxd and Instagram links, developing a kumbaya that was feeling painfully real.
I think it hit a very specific part of my brain that I’ve kept in check, and I panicked. I have a fear of abandonment and every time a major change in my friend group happens, I feel very insecure. As much as I knew that this wasn’t as apocalyptic, the idea that maybe this was the end scared me. It consumed me in a way that made me feel like I’d lose the friend group who got me through a bad depression and just made this pandemic a much easier place to live. I loved having them there, and I think I acted out in a way that, while rational, was maybe overstated. I think at times I didn’t want to risk ultimate regret. Something about seeing everyone lose their minds that night was too much. I saw way too many genitals and offensive remarks appear just because they believed it would all be wiped away.
I will say that also having lost my high school chronology on Myspace to a computer malfunction a decade ago has greatly impacted how I see myself. While I have other records, not having pictures and authentic conversations leaves me left to interpret things that may or may not be true. It’s devastating, and losing the Twitter version of that which spanned my late teens to my early 30s was not great. I’ve downloaded the archives as a result, but I’m still not ready to lose anyone.
So while I come into Thanksgiving weekend with some thankfulness for family and acceptance, there are things that have plenty bothered me. It’s been a strange month and one with as many highs as there are lows. I’m currently prepping for the final stretch of school and hoping for the best. I’m hugging my sea otter and getting those Christmas plans all set into place. It’s a time where I’ll be even more self-reflective than normal. I hope that I’m also more optimistic than I am coming out of this month. Like the fact that Twitter is still there a week later, I’m sure everything will be okay. I just need to find a better way to realize that.
I know that it’s been a tough time out there, but I hope that all of you are loving and respecting everyone. If you’ve read all of this, there’s a good chance that you’re compassionate already and don’t need reminders. Thanks for making the world shine a little brighter. I wish you nothing but love this holiday season. Take care.
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