How I Live Now: March 2023

I know that I usually begin these entries with a whimsical context that enhances everything that follows, but it seems insincere to do so right now. For me, most of March 2023 has been a bit of a relapse period, where I’ve been experiencing feelings that can be described as a pressure cooker, where you do The Milgram Experiment and are too scared to do anything at risk of electrocuting your colleague (or in this case yourself). In the external sense, this month has been completely mundane and just another transition as I move further through this tumultuous year. However, to peek inside the mind is to realize how difficult it is to keep everything balanced right now. For me, it’s been a paralyzing experience where I fear not blowing it so much that I end up in some form of retrograde mentally.

*NOTE: Jump to the section with " ... " to bypass the emotional venting.

To set the stage, I was approximately two months away from graduating from university. It’s definitely a big achievement and one that I am very proud of. The past few years have been a rewarding experience of walking across the CSULB campus and partaking in some fascinating debates with like-minded individuals. I don’t regret any decision to go there.

However, with this comes a crossroads of worries that aren’t as immediately obvious. To start with the more direct concerns, there’s passing my final stretch of classes. Given my goal of achieving a Bachelor’s in Creative Writing, most of my classes haven’t been that daunting. In fact, 2/3 of Spring 2023’s schedule is fairly enjoyable. The only catch is that when you’re months from the finish line, the work isn’t the most difficult part. It’s the pressure to perform. Maybe it’s the idea of slacking, where because it’s raining outside you feel more melancholic and justify staying in bed where the blankets are warmest. Maybe it’s just that fear of failing one class could jeopardize the greater picture. Before, you could always plan for next semester, but now I’m left in a state of concern that those final marks won’t come through. I haven’t dipped below a C, and yet there’s the hypothetical that fills me with constant dread that this will be the one. I have saved my weak spot for last, and I can only imagine it being a very bad idea.

Sure, there are also subconscious things going on as well. Because of how a semester keeps you busy, weeks and months blur together and suddenly you’re speeding through so quickly that suddenly nothing really matters. You’ve gotten this far and either haven’t done what you needed to or have spent your whole time doing that and not appreciating what’s about to disappear. Meanwhile, you’re concerned about what Post-Graduation life is going to look like. Is my 2023 graduation going to be like my 2020 one where I went to bed crying from severe imposter syndrome? Also, the imposter syndrome is real bad right now. I’ve generally lived with the belief that for me worrying is a good thing because if I don’t the work won’t get done. I’m also suffering from the occasional woes of being single and trying to get over that “forever alone” stigma that usually comes with it. That being said, it adds to the stress and suddenly you’re jangled nerves. Given that I haven’t been sleeping that well otherwise, it’s been a surreal period.

I tried to touch on this in a recent post called “What’s the Point?” but I think it was more directly about graduation in the end. For me, March was full of panic. In a time where I should be mapping the endgame, there were endless negative thoughts telling me that I didn’t earn it or that something bad would happen if I didn’t keep going. All of this was before recent developments that I have to take Summer 2023 classes in order to cover units. It was an honest oversight on my part, but the 24 hours after that bombshell weren’t helping. The only real silver lining in all of this is that I write this from a nicely timed Spring Break, where I’m hoping the anxiety subsides a little bit as I make sense of where everything is going.

With that said, the push to be more responsible has been difficult. Not so much in the homework department, but just in trying to push aside frivolities in order to believe I’m getting anywhere with all of this. I did my best not to stress out to the point of dissociating again. I decided to prematurely go on Twitter hiatus because I recognize how it makes me feel isolated sometimes. That, and I feel in my suggestive state that all it would’ve done is incriminate me with nervous motivations of things I might regret saying. Given that I did this over Oscar Weekend, I was sure that among the things that would’ve triggered me was The Whale (2022) winning TWO awards. The very image set off some dysmorphia and some heated rants. I could feel the bitterness starting up. Given that I was also experiencing other forms of jealousy in terms of attractiveness, it was easy to just be needlessly hard on myself. 

There are other personal matters that I won’t get into here, but March felt like a nice little storm to complicate my emotions. Even as I put myself into places where I felt like I would benefit from happiness, there was still that hollowness running through and the question “What’s the point?” appeared in many symbolic ways. Not all of it was about school. Most of it was, but when I left Mean Girls the Musical and felt underwhelmed, I realized how attractive bitterness could be. Luckily, I attended my high school alma mater’s production of The Addams Family the following day and found it to be vastly more impressive. The truth is that to call depression clear and cut is difficult sometimes. It’s not entirely there when I’m with people I love or in situations that fill me with meaning. It’s just that when everything feels so, so uncertain, it sneaks up on me when the activity ceases for the day.

I’m hoping that April moves a little smoother. I know that I opened with a big downer, but it felt important to be transparent about how March has been treating me internally. Outside of my head, it’s been a bit more complicated. I recognize my own achievements and that makes me happy. I’m writing Novel3 with a satisfying response to the few chapters I’ve written. I see growth and potential in a lot of things. Even at school, there are moments I am excited to be part of. However, I think that I’m just not naturally one who sees endgames and is immediately relieved. I have to unpack everything. Trust me, if you think that deconstructing two years of university is overwhelming, just know that I’m also looking back on every year of school I’ve had and taking the good with the bad. I’ve come so far. I’m proud of myself. I love that I never gave up and even with some regrettable periods of my life (notably my early 20s), things have worked out in general. 

. . .

To start to shift gears towards the regular highlights of the month (sorry for the long one, but in fairness, I haven’t posted a lot on The Memory Tourist or social media the past few weeks), I thought I’d begin with a small tail of other things that have been bothering me. For starters, it does feel like LGBTQIA+ issues continue to suffer in the American prism. I think of how Eden Knight was forced to detransition which lead to her suicide. Maybe it’s the state laws that are increasingly inhumane, or how Florida seems hellbent on expanding the parameters of “Don’t Say Gay.” Even the idea of banning Miley Cyrus’ “Living in Rainbowland” feels like a personal attack against letting people just live normal, happy lives. Hell, in a surprise turn of events I found videos from people like The Queer Kiwi deconstructing a recent conservative argument that because asexuals and aromantics didn’t want to celebrate Valentine’s Day that they’re a problem. It feels strange to have bigots call my identity fake and attention-seeking like that. It’s been way less controversial or needful of protest, but it’s been a month where I’ve felt beaten down. Even on National Women’s Day, I thanked trans women for putting up with so much (not the best phrased, but I hope the sentiment was empathetic) only to receive responses on Twitter with attacks against the community. There was no celebration or recognition, just vitriol. As it stands, I wince at the recent mass shooting in Nashville, TN as much for it being terrible but also for my preconceived notion that by stating the shooter was transgender that it’s only going to fuel arguments of hatred and separation when it’s an isolated incident. I hate the story. I hate the losses. I wish there was a way to not feel impacted by a country that has felt continually at odds with itself.

With all of this said, I’ve had some shining light beaming through the muck. For starters, I have spent a good month reading Virginia Woolf for the first time. I have become obsessed with her as a figure in terms of identity and mental health. I’m intrigued by how she approaches romance and longing in her work as well as how there’s a greater identity beyond sex. What’s amazing is that I could read “Night and Day” as an aromantic story while “Orlando” feels more rejuvenated and alive with gender expression. I also read “Mrs. Dalloway” and found its take on an interconnected spiritual realm to be so fulfilling. If nothing else, there is a candidness and playfulness with the form that is unmistakable and makes me want to read more of her work soon.

Similarly, I am proud to say that I am in the circles who have read Alice Oseman’s “Loveless.” Most would know her from the Netflix series Heartstopper, and I have loved discovering her source material for it. However, there has long been a goal to read “Loveless” because it was something very personal. It was the story that centered (positively) around aromantic asexuals, or aro-aces. While I am only half of the equation, I found myself quickly able to latch onto the protagonist and understand her struggles so personally. It’s one of those examples where I think fiction has more power to unify outsiders to a perspective because Oseman makes every bump along the road feel meaningful and recognizable. You don’t have to be aro-ace to really get to the heart of this novel. All it takes is that feeling of trying to understand who you are. As one can guess, because it has that “I feel called out” vibe to it for me, I really enjoyed it and am eager to check out her other novels. There is a comfort to feeling like you’re seen (it’s why I donated to Dear Luke Love Me), and I’m so glad “Loveless” has connected me with a greater community just as a talking point.

To shift the perspective back to school for a minute, I am sad to say that this point in March doesn’t have more trophies to talk about. With the impending results of March Madness in the days ahead, I’m reminded of how CSULB has mostly done poorly in the post-season. While we made it to Nevada for The Big West Tournament, there were a handful of embarrassments as to what went down. For starters, The Beach lost in the first round to Cal Poly. To outsiders, this is significant because they were a team in dead last who had only won one game between December and that early March match-up. Not only that but to lose by a 20 point margin makes them eligible for mockery until further notice. I mean, weren’t they ranked No. 1 just last year? Women’s did a little better, though they fell quickly in N.I.T. from what looked like a decline of energy. But hey, at least they finished the season as runner-up in the Big West standings.

To provide a quick tangent, I haven’t really enjoyed March Madness but that’s also because I have trouble enjoying teams I’m not invested in. With that said, the road to The Elite Eight was wild and I’m happy to see quite the shake-up (any day UCLA loses is a good one for me). I’m hoping the final rounds keep up this suspense because I’m loving how little I know where things are going. With that said, I regrettably haven’t seen this year’s standout, Iowa’s Caitlin Clark, who is destined for great things. She had a 41 point game, and I’m sure she’ll be making splashes in The WNBA. Speaking of, I always love seeing Kelsey Plum on my screen and am happy to see her out there getting sponsorships left and right.

Speaking of, we’re quickly approaching the end of The NBA regular season, and I’m holding out hope for The Los Angeles Clippers. While they’ve had an inconsistent year, I want to believe that the return of Kawhi Leonard will be for the best. I’m also enjoying the results of Russell Westbrook in terms of immediate results. The only thing I’m nervous about is Paul George’s injury, which may sabotage things yet again for my team. Even then, we’re very close to Playoffs, and I can only hope it’s a fun, surprising battle. Stay tuned for my predictions – which I promise are likely to be very wrong yet again.

I suppose that I should briefly touch on The Oscars. What’s amazing is that since disbanding The Oscar Buzz in 2021, I have managed to only not review one Best Picture winner: CODA (2021). Sure, I didn’t design this as a response to awards season, but I just loved Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022) that much. It was such a surprising and refreshing title that I’m surprised has maintained the acclaim and recognition it has. More than anything, it’s the first film that feels distinctly made by a Millennial or someone who came of age in the 21st century to win this category. There’s so much craft and recognition of how our lives are much more complicated and existential than ever before. I love that this is the film to cause such a ripple at the ceremony. I love seeing The Daniels up there talking about imposter syndrome on live TV and discussing ADHD on podcasts. There is transparency and honesty that endears this movie more. Is it my favorite of the line-up? No, but Tar (2022) shot itself in the foot when Cate Blanchett said “Awards don’t matter” at The Critics Choice Awards. It was never going to happen. 

I’m hoping this is the start of an interesting Oscar run, though I fear it’s just going to be a misnomer in the greater books. Sure, the late 2010s to now have been about expanding the definition of the category. I’m very proud of how that has been questioned. With that said, a movie with butt plugs opening time portals doesn’t feel like a formula for longevity. Nobody’s going to imitate that for prestige. With all of that said, I still am especially happy that Stephanie Hsu was nominated because her role reflects a queerness that I think greater cinema hasn’t fully celebrated in any meaningful way. Given that we’re a decade removed from when Jared Leto won for that very bad Dallas Buyers Club (2013) performance, there’s been so much progress and it feels important now, especially in a time when marginalized groups of every kind remain at risk of being devalued. I’m not in love with every nominee or winner (did I mention that I loathe The Whale?), but all in all it was a wild year, which I guess is better than a boring one.

In the weeks since, I have been catching the oddball nominees more by accident. I’m here to report that I am on the team who loves Marcel the Shell With Shoes On (2022) and think that its animation achievements are quiet but phenomenal. There’s a scene where they’re driving that is so fluid that I admire their seamlessness. I also recently watched Laura Poitras’ All the Beauty and the Bloodshed (2022). Given that I really liked her Citizenfour (2014) documentary, I was eager to check it out. I really should do a more proper write-up on it because it epitomizes everything that I want out of a documentary and art in general. It’s so provocative and full of thought and emotion. I love it and think that its parallels of queer communities and victims of drug addiction are strangely prescient and timely.

I have also been watching a fair share of TV. One of the programs that I’m most eager to talk about is Swarm, which is a new Amazon Prime title from Donald Glover. Given how much I loved Atlanta, I am surprised he turned around and made something like this so quickly. It feels more experimental and less cohesive at times, but it does have a sensibility totally unique to his writer’s room (it’s the one with Malia Obama) and has so much subtext around nepotism and obsession in terms of casting that I think it’s a very smart show that plays with form so beautifully. It’s a head trip that has so much to say and does so with dreamlike fashion. I really liked it and hope that others catch onto it. 

Of course, Succession and Riverdale are back so I’m definitely on those trains. Who’s getting Waystar Royco? Money is on Greg, though that’s because he’s been my favorite character since he struggled to have a doorman pay a cab driver. Elsewhere, there’s the return of Yellowjackets which I assume most of you are already fans of like myself. 

Moving onto music may be the hardest leap of all if just because there’s been a handful of albums that have rocked my world the past month and have made my anxiety a lot easier to deal with (kind of, as you’ll see). Some of them have been discussed in the Infinite Playlist series, but bear repeating here. For starters, the aforementioned Miley Cyrus’ “Endless Summer Vacation” has been a nice vibe record for me and I love how it settles me into a peaceful, happy mood as I dream of walking around the beach and just taking in the ocean current. I’m also happy to announce that Ben Platt is back on Broadway and the OBCR for Parade is some of his best vocal work in his short career. Finally, as someone who has a curious interest in Danny Brown, his recent collaboration with Jpegmafia called “Scaring the Hoes” has been a record I love and hate depending on the second. If nothing else, it feels hyperpop adjacent in a very aggressive manner, and I sort of love that.

Speaking of, hyperpop Gods known on this mortal realm as 100 Gecs have returned with “10,000 Gecs.” If you thought I have been listening to a lot of other music, just prepare to know that this is likely my most played since Caroline Polachek’s new one. It’s been stuck in my head for weeks, sometimes making it hard to concentrate as I hear “Hollywood Baby” at inopportune times. If you don’t think that “Frog on the Floor” is a modern day masterpiece, then I don’t know what to say. This may be on the shorter side of things, but what’s amazing is how well it clicks with a neurodivergent mind, where you’re giggling and having fun with the odd 90s throwbacks or genre mash-up that is so stupid that it comes back around into sublime. I don’t know why, I just love this sound and Laura Les especially has been making my day better quite frequently.

To close out this section, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Lana Del Rey’s “Did You Know There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd.” As an obsessive who adores a lot of what she makes, I was of course excited to know about this record. “A&W” has quickly become one of my favorite songs she’s ever done. Meanwhile, the title song has some breathtaking orchestration that has grown on me. Still, I had to wonder what a 70+ minute record would sound like. I’m happy to report that it’s quite possibly my favorite record of hers behind "Honeymoon" and “Norman Fucking Rockwell!” It has its own current and I love getting lost in the atmosphere she builds, where even a random sermon four songs in hits a sweet spot for me. While I didn’t get to visit her pop-up shop in Downtown Long Beach, it was a great weekend to just take in the record and gab with fans to see what they think is the best tracks. 

I would also like to quickly shout out Eljohn Macaranas, who has been doing fantastic album by album analyses of Lana Del Rey’s work over the past month and really gets to the heart of what makes her special. There’s not another performer like her, and I’m slowly realizing that maybe everyone is playing catch-up to her, at least on records like Cyrus’ “Endless Summer Vacation” and Lorde’s “Solar Power” when compared to “NFR!” With all of this said, my biggest surprise in listening to her full discography is the fact that despite hearing it a bunch, I didn’t think to call “Honeymoon” her other masterpiece, but it totally is. It’s also frankly a lot funnier than her sad girl reputation would let on. I mean, how could it not be when she elongates “High by the Beach” like that?

My hope is that April will treat me better than March did. On the one hand, I think a lot of my problems were psychosomatic. Nothing terrible happened to me, and yet the struggle to have a clear and optimistic vision remains difficult on some days. Still, I want to believe that in my search for balance I’m able to appreciate life’s gifts. They’re not always recognizable or flattering, but I love having that extra moment to step back and take in their radiance. 

On the one hand, I’m grateful to be ending this month on Spring Break. While I don’t imagine that I will be doing it Harmony Korine style (Happy 10th, by the way), I do think stopping and doing something for myself has been for the best. I saw a new show by Animaniacs composer Randy Rogel called Did You See What Walter Paisley Did Today? and thought it was wildly entertaining. I hope it becomes an Off-Broadway regional hit because it is clever and fun in all of the right ways. 

Other than that, I hope April just brings so much more. It’s been a difficult period and some levity would be nice. Who knows. I think seeing Hairspray is on the docket and you can’t stop me from dancing to that thing. Also, I just hope there’s a good movie that comes out that I actually want to go see because I’ve only seen one proper 2023 release this whole year… and we’re a quarter through! This is embarrassing. I don’t know whose fault that is, but we all need to do better. It sucks that the last movie I saw this month was an overpriced 3D ticket to Avatar: The Way of Water (2022). It was good, but I’m still baffled why this was the franchise we gave the keys to a two billion dollar gross. I need something more my speed. Let’s hope Kelly Reichardt’s latest Showing Up (2023) actually does that in theaters because that looks great.

As Jules said at the end of the Euphoria special, I’m sorry if that was a lot. This is currently running twice the length of a regular How I Live Now entry. I guess that I’ve had a lot on my mind. I’m hoping that now that everything’s clear that I’m able to focus and appreciate life again. I can only hope yours is going well too. There’s a lot to be sad about (like California’s inevitable return to rainstorms), but one can hope something exciting lies ahead. What is that for me? I don’t know. April is my last full month of the Spring 2023 semester, so that’s going to be exciting. Fingers crossed that it delivers on every memorable promise the final days of school usually bring with them. Take care.