Addiction and Quitting

For months now, I’ve contemplated whether there was a need to write this. In theory, there never is really a purpose to publicly share personal journeys. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable without outside discourse has its benefits and I’ve tried to personally chronicle this in a manner that would keep me accountable. Instead, it’s been a challenge to have any consistency and I’ve found at least working this out in an essay will give focus to what I’m trying to do. Many have done it, and a lot have failed. Compared to those in-between, I don’t exactly have “a problem,” and yet I find myself falling into the “I can quit whenever I want” cliché and rarely getting longer than a few days, maybe a week.

There was a point sometime in late 2022 when I concluded a goal to quit watching pornography for pleasure. Before I get too far into the essay, I want to specify that this does not include the recreational activities that accompany it. My ultimate goal is to move away from codependence on hypersexualized imagery and move more towards something more moderate. If I can manage to create fantasies in my head and have that be my go-to impulse, then I will consider it a success. Better yet, if I can reduce the habit so that it’s not something I turn to as often for stress and other ailments, then maybe I’ll start working towards a more productive life.

It’s difficult to really assess this because my goals differ from the general message boards I have seen. I don’t have any desire to quit masturbation yet most tend to focus on the pitfalls of keeping it in your life. There’s this mythology in some circles that you begin to take control of your success the minute you put aside “bad habits.” You begin to see the world differently. People become more desirable. You become more attractive. Maybe you even have more chances at success. Good on you if that works but it’s not where my aim is. As someone who has a fear of letting impulsive behaviors get the best of them, I wouldn’t call myself out of control. Similar to how I avoid putting myself in casinos for fear of gambling, I’m finding the best call is to remove the source and try to live in moderation.

Of course, there’s a difference between a casino and online pornography. A casino is a building you have to drive to and invest almost as much effort just to work a slot machine. I’m aware that there are online components, but it’s a major reason that I’ve avoided – to increasingly frustrating results – using debit cards or PayPal-style payment systems for regular transactions. I used to have a bad habit of buying film scores every week on iTunes even if I would become indifferent to most of them very quickly. When it exceeded $40+ for one day’s transactions, I knew it was time to find ways to tamper it. Even transitioning to Spotify has helped wean the problem slightly. Basically, I’m so self-conscious about money that gambling is an impulsive action that I feel less likely to be rused into. As for something that’s free? Let’s get into that.

As any marketer could tell you, a free sample is the greatest incentive you can give a customer. It’s why I’ve lost many nights to YouTube videos, saying that I will only watch one 20-minute commentary and end up down a rabbit hole. The morbid curiosity eventually taps in and soon I’m clicking on boxes that sound vaguely like things I’m interested in. Given that I’m also someone who likes to expand my worldview, there’s a chance that I’ll watch videos on things, at manageable lengths (I don’t know who watches three hour videos, but you do you), and begin doing research. In itself, I’m addicted to information and even psychology. To some extent, I find myself forming parasocial relationships with every creator I watch more than three videos from. Maybe they won’t be intimate, but I’ll end up wondering who they are and what passions drive them. Given that most of their content is free, I can forgo the blank spaces that are hidden behind a Patreon. I just want to support people passionate about what they do.

I think from here, pornography addiction begins to be put into a better context. Sure, there is the overall stimulation that the medium is supposed to have. There’s no denying that there’s some thrill in seeing something often barred from public spaces. It’s a moment when everyone is gone and you’re left to explore the most curious of human identity. Whereas I abhor violence, I have found sex to be a subject that shouldn’t be nearly as taboo as it. In the grander scheme of things, violence is death and sex is creation. What is not beautiful about exploring sexuality in consenting manner? I think being asexual allows me to at times be more distanced from what I look at. Even then, those moments of seeing people who really have a connection at their most vulnerable can be beautiful. It’s an energy you don’t get anywhere else and frankly, it’s as thrilling to just watch someone in the throes of passion who looks like they’ve put their complete trust into a partner, allowing for a connection that can’t be translated outside of personal sensation.

Scene from Nymphomaniac

For whatever reason, I am able to differentiate eroticism from narrative fiction and pornography. Even in graphic films like Pleasure (2022) or Nymphomaniac (2014), I’m able to just notice sex within the function of storytelling. I’m sure when I was younger there were titillating images that contradict this, but at some point, I think it has more to do with how I see the use of characters and how there’s a life outside of sex. In pornography, there may be set-up but it’s clear based on surrounding contexts that it exists solely for exhibitionism. There is no need to get attached to the actors. Many faces will be obscured at different points. At some point it becomes less about anything other than witnessing the action, imagining yourself in it, and trying to recreate the sensations in your head. There is a shamelessness to pornography that translates if you allow yourself to give in to base impulse.

Sure, there are some advantages to watching pornography. I am not against the medium for those who continue to use it. However, I do find myself at times wondering if my desires have moved beyond something more humane and get into humiliation stuff. Am I just going numb from seeing the same actions over and over? What is it about make-up smearing and fluids running down a face that is actually attractive? There’s the yelling, the need to go faster, to have more partners, and even the feeling of hiding shameful orgasms in public. Sure, it’s all on a sliding scale and some of it is closer to normal than others. However, for every tender couple just enjoying their beloved pastime it’s difficult for me to not just look around and wonder what else is out there.

Alas, sexual impulse is much different from the YouTube intellectual impulse. While both are inherent in maintaining stimulation, the trouble with pornography is how it consumes the brain differently. At a point, it becomes less about watching sex and transitions into a variety of implicit struggles for me. While it has rarely been a perpetual problem, there have been days when something tangential sends my mind thinking about a video, usually something less vanilla, and it makes being in the moment that bit more difficult. It’s rarely about things I want to do to someone and just a deviation from where my brain wants to go. It usually is there that suddenly I spend more time trying to not think about pornography that distracts me. I don’t know that it uproots my reality for more than a few minutes here or there, but it’s evident that it comes from the times I watch more.

I also think that there are some harmful side effects of giving into those fantasies. As I mentioned earlier, there’s a desire to try and embody the sensations of another person. Because of the typical nudity that comes with this, you’re left to witness other people’s bodies that in themselves are shaping your desires at that moment. Even if there are contradicting reports suggesting that pornography and actual sexuality are different, it’s still one of those questions of why you spend so much time watching what you watch. You end up looking at what you see as the perfect figure and become overwhelmed by the way it’s crafted. How do you get a body to look like that and become the obsession of someone to the point you’re shaking afterward? At a point it does feel like you’re watching less for pleasure and more self-loathing at your own image issues, realizing how pretty these people are and how you’ll never be loved by someone like the other person in the scene. 

Again, I’m sure this is all personal psychological problems that everyone faces. With that said, it’s as much about trying to have the images mean anything as it is trying to understand their world. How does one convince themselves to enter this profession in the first place? How does one withstand the struggles, notably the physical pressure to achieve such bizarre goals in front of a film crew? At a point, I’m less interested in the acts and more in the people who are sacrificing their public reputation for this career. There’s something possibly admirable about wanting to force yourself into something so vulnerable, where you might be sending out something people will make fun of in the comments section. It’s maybe why behind the scenes videos are weirdly attractive because I do wonder how one stays in that mentality for hours upon end. To hear a camerawoman compliment a woman on how she was penetrated as if it was a chemistry final has this strange way of unveiling the humanity behind everything. After all, these are people just doing a job. Not sure why they’re doing it, but like the YouTube creators, I’m left with the fun game of trying to figure that out. Given that there are also personal interviews with retired actors, there’s a plethora of directions to psychologically study them.

Scene from Pleasure

To put it simply, trying to quit pornography came with a series of struggles that I don’t know were easy to do cold turkey. I know it’s not as severe as alcoholism or drug addiction, but at the same time, I became aware very quickly of how codependent I was on it. Like most people, I started in high school and the advent of the internet’s accessibility made it more difficult to ignore. While a general “sexual” image isn’t arousing, there’s something about going to a website that feels more contractual, like there’s an agreement on what’s about to happen. I’m not sure if that’s what’s the most attractive feature, but it does feel like the hook.

I’m choosing to try and quit in the hopes of breaking certain concerning trends. Ideas of watching more explicit works that are less about pleasure and more about pushing the human body can only seek to distract me with more unpleasant thoughts throughout the day. 

As the old saying goes “I can quit whenever I want.” It’s a joke for a reason, as the initial struggle may not be evident, but give it a few hours or even a day and the thrills you got will run rampant again. As mentioned, I’ve tried quitting since late 2022. This has meant several relapses that have delved back into bad habits. Elsewhere, I’ve tried installing blockers only to find that access to the deactivation codes has allowed me to cheat when I wanted to. Maybe it was poor timing because it was during a stressful period of my life, but the relapses fell back into bad habits only made worse by the initial belief that the first time feels great and soon you’re chasing that high again. To some extent, I understand the subsection of people who say that masturbating to non-pornographic images like swimsuit models is still cheating. It’s still wondering how to disrobe a body and reenact the fantasies. It slowly returns to the impersonal core, albeit with a lot less of the problematic elements that brought along guilt. 

Still, in the time since I’ve stopped at least viewing pornography in a pleasurable context, there has been that mixed emotion. On the one hand, a swimsuit model has become more attractive. Mundane fashion seems a lot cuter and the struggle to not think of it suggestively is still a gamble unto itself. There’s still the question if I’m masturbating more for the action than any personal drive. Maybe that will cause a relapse if I’m not careful. Still, I want to believe things are moving in the right direction for the time being. I haven’t allowed myself to deactivate the blockers for about two weeks now and while it’s caused some clever compensation at times, it’s never been for pornographic images. Sure, I can feel my fingers tempted to type in the shortcuts, but the effort to work against it has been in my favor lately. I can only hope it continues.

As mentioned, the ultimate goal is not to denounce pornography and argue against its use. I’m aware some from the industry, such as Lana Rhoades (who is also asexual!), have a stronger argument to make here. There are some complicated opinions to be had ethically, but I’m not here to make those. I’m simply choosing to argue that I think my life will be a little better if I can remove pornography’s addictive qualities from my life and only be able to judge it critically and from a distance. It’ll be difficult and I don’t know that it won’t lead to triggers, but that’s for me to figure out. I don’t want to do this to suddenly become super successful and draw in partners. All I want is to not feel the codependence and recognize what genuinely interests me. I’ve felt like I’ve been informed in good and bad ways by these images and find that moderation is difficult. As a result, I just need to quit and see what that produces.

Maybe I’ll write an update in a few months or even a year and see where things are. For now, I felt the need to figure out my thoughts on this goal. While I’ve tried journaling in private, they’ve led to many failures. I’m going to need to find some way to reward and punish myself in ways that are more worthwhile. For now, this is just a goal I’m doing less because it’s a debilitating problem and more because I feel like it’s a manageable thing to solve now. I’m unsure if this will be successful or even a good use of my time. Nevertheless, I’ll try. Every journey starts with one step or something. I just need to keep walking.