In the grand scheme of things, July has been my favorite month of 2023 so far. No, this is not because we have now lived through the Barbie (2023)/Oppenheimer (2023) phenomenon. Maybe it’s because, for the first time in so long, I haven’t had to worry about a thing. While it’s right to assume that I get way too existential around my birthdays, this is a period where “the worst of it” is over and what’s left is the start of a new chapter. Yes, it’s scary to think that I have no idea where I’ll be in July 2024. On some level, it’s going to be a big struggle for the upcoming Fall. I need to keep my goodwill moving forward, and I have no idea where to place it. California has been too hot to want to do much of anything.
But yes, July is officially the moment where I finished being a university STUDENT. To be completely honest, I do plan to visit often for various events (Go Beach!). I’m going to get an alumni card and start saving money when I arrive there. But for now, I can look at my educational history in a past tense, and it’s one of the most surreal feelings in the world. There was a time where I thought that “college dropout” was going to be the best I ever did. Somehow, I motivated myself up to earning a Bachelor’s with a 3.6 G.P.A. How does someone like me graduate with Honors? I was such a mess in high school. At times I feel behind the curve of people my age. My August, in part, is probably going to be starting my lengthy series on diving into my educational history just so I can be at peace with everything.
So, I suppose that this birthday is special because of that. It’s that moment where I finally get to slow down for a few and appreciate what life means to me. The past six months especially were rough because of that fear of failing. On some hand, I did because I had to extend my Spring graduation to a Summer one, but that was only another six weeks. I put in the work and I’m proud of every assignment. The lingering influence has already shown itself, as I recently bought two used Louise Erdrich books. I read “The Antelope Woman” in my Native American Literature course and found it to be one of the best classes I took. Similarly, I am more self-aware of indigenous representation in society, and I am curious to learn more about their side of the Oppenheimer story. Similarly… Reservation Dogs is back! Get hyped.
So in some respect, July has been that moment where I finally allowed myself to feel free. As much as I need to jump into the next phase of my life before atrophying, taking some time to appreciate what matters to me has been so cathartic. I’m reading books I want to. I’ve been to the theaters SIX TIMES in four weeks – which doesn’t sound like much but is a far cry from where I was even in June. I was at a more despairing standpoint where nothing felt exciting and all I could do was appreciate M3gan (2023) finally being on streaming. What a masterpiece that little baby is. Now, I’m getting ready for August and the potential for even more impulsiveness. The great Rachel Sennott’s next Emma Seligman movie Bottoms (2023) is on its way, and I’m always jazzed to see the poster at nearby cineplexes. Given that it co-stars Ayo Edibiri, who is excellent on The Bear, I am shaking in my seat with joy.
But let’s slow down. I feel like I’ve discussed everything but what has been going on in July for me. For those who know me personally, I had a birthday on July 8 and had a mostly good time. I went with the family to see Elemental (2023). To be honest, the movie wasn’t that interesting, but I did enjoy hanging out with people I love and just appreciating what matters to me. We would also visit Big Bear for a weekend. I sat outside one night just vibing to Ethel Cain’s “Preacher’s Daughter,” which may be a harrowing ask, but I do find hope and optimism even amid despair. It’s the idea that I’m still here and I can still make a difference in the world. This art spoke to me and gave me a reason to keep moving forward. Why not try to make the most of it?
But yeah, the one thing that I’m a bit too existential about is that I am somehow 34. I am officially in the Mid-30s part of my life, and I am unsure how I got here. Maybe it’s that the pandemic had a significant impact on my perception of time, but it does make me wonder what this decade of my life has been. In 2019, I was graduating from community college and helping my father move. 2020 was the quarantine where the only good thing I did was start The Memory Tourist. 2021 started with the worst depression I have ever experienced and am grateful every week I don’t get that dark. 2022 was maybe the closest I came to having a good year. 2023 so far has been a mix of emotions because for as much as I’m doing right, the public sphere scares the shit out of me. Why is hatred so popular right now?
But yes, here I am at 34 and sometimes it surprises me. I think hitting my Mid-30s is doing that to me because it makes me aware that it’s halfway through and soon, I’ll be 40. Decades are going by faster. I need to hold onto parts of me that I feel are significant. I mustn’t grow old and lose my sense of self. More importantly, I need to do it without having it eventually be re-diagnosed as an identity crisis. Can’t I just like hyperpop and bedroom pop without seeming a bit out of touch? I know that I’m not cool, but hopefully somewhere in this head of mine is a story worth telling, that people will care about.
Another thing that has been fairly refreshing about July is that fireworks have been better regulated. While there hasn’t been a complete limitation on shooting those suckers off, I feel like 2023 has marked one of the better years of risk-takers not overstepping their boundaries. At the same time, I think Independence Day is difficult to really appreciate because of how co-opted by hatred the flag has become. Why should I openly exist in a blissful state when a potential Presidential candidate is keen on transgender genocide? Why should we celebrate when the LGBTQIA+ community has been denied things as trivial as rainbow capitalism? What about women’s rights? What about the reversal of Affirmative Action? So much feels wrong to cook up hot dogs on July 4. I’m happy for what rights we do have, but it feels like this country hasn’t really earned their ra-ra ceremony, where they raise their sparklers and listen to Souza. As crass as it sounds, I think this has been one of those years that’s better used thinking about how freedom can be improved.
Why the fuck can’t I buy a rainbow shirt from Target because people send bomb threats over misinformation, but the goddamn Ron DeSantis book sits on the shelf without a single person feeling the need to write a bad protest song about it? I think there’s a way to coexist peacefully and respect each other’s differences, but it doesn’t come without mutual acceptance. It feels too raw nerve right now to think conservatives will see the damage they do and start atoning.
On the flip side, I want to go back to something lighter. We are officially living in the age of Threads. Some immediately marketed it as The Twitter Killer™, and it lead Elon Musk to send out a lawsuit. I haven't been on a Twitter break since March for my mental health, but it has been fascinating to watch it as a spectator instead of a regular user. Threads isn’t going to kill Twitter. Activity has decreased since its amazing launch. What’s going to take Twitter down… is Musk himself. With the limiting of views and DM’s along with closing access to outsiders, there’s a sense that what started as an appealing free piece of social media is quickly becoming a pyramid scheme. All that Musk had to do was sit back and enjoy his riches, but it’s amusing to watch him fail to rebrand. Apparently, it’s now called X? Oy vey. I can’t say that Threads will take Twitter down any more than Mastodon or Bluesky, but it is the only one I’m on. I did it as a birthday present. Follow me if you want to boost your numbers.
Though to speak of social media, I have officially returned to TikTok. I understand that those in my age range are very skeptical about its value. I have always felt that it was a great way for people to be silly and express themselves. It may have negative sides, but so does YouTube or Instagram. It’s all about who you follow. I’ll admit that some of TikTok’s glory days may be behind them, but there’s no denying what still works about it. Immediately when I signed on, I was greeted by the face of a TikTok friend named Charlie, who started their MTF transition sometime last year. My heart grew with joy to see her not only living her best life but looking better than ever. Even with a seven-month hiatus, I was somehow able to quickly reconnect with the creators I hadn’t seen since 2022. I don’t think that I will be as susceptible to being on there for two hours like I used to, but I did find myself on there for 25 minutes the first time, just admiring how everyone is still enjoying their own special interests. I think I’m doing it wrong. I don’t get all the dance numbers or trends. I mostly get personal stories. That has always been what I loved most about the app. It’s why I’ve added a lot of them to my Instagram just to keep track of them.
On some level, I think that being more selective of what social media I consume has caused me to feel disconnected from a larger conversation. Even if I could predict and understand what Barbenheimer was, I have not come across a personal friend discussing it. That feels very much like a Twitter thing, and one of the sillier things that I do miss about Twitter. However, I am confronted with these tangents of speech that I am less lovelorn over. I have been better off not having to hear so much hateful rhetoric on a regular basis. I’ve thankfully been able to not be consumed enough by it to have it linger in the back of my mind for months. Sure, it means I miss some trends that seem funny (what was cheugy?), but it also allows me to take more time to focus on myself and just see life and art how I want to. I know it’s an old person way of thinking, but I needed it.
But to shift the conversation just a little bit (I’m sorry if this whole post seems disorganized), I am surprised with how much joy the release of Barbie has given me. On the surface, seeing a Greta Gerwig movie grossing $150+ million opening weekend with critical acclaim still intact warms my heart. The marketing campaign has been an absolute delight. I’ve realized how much I would love to make my wardrobe lighter colors. I also felt growth as a person, as I wore hot pink to the screening without feeling self-conscious. As much as Barbie was my sister’s toy, it did remind me so much of being young and having to play with her and her dolls. In my journey to understand my queerness, there is something about Barbie that has been elusive not so much because I desire them but because of whatever curiosity playing with my sister had. Something intrigues me about how playing with a female presenting doll lead to more willingness to use avatars of female characters later in life.
I think the film overall is not always successful in messaging, but it is the piece of camp entertainment that I needed this summer. It’s aware of how goofy the premise is and just goes for it. Everything is wonderful. I love how inclusive it is. To continue down the strange queer theme of this Mattel-sponsored section, I was especially in love with Hari Nef’s doctor Barbie in this film. She didn’t do anything revolutionary, but her ability to simply be one of the girls and be a useful member of the team filled my heart with joy. In a world where transphobia is burning down society, it’s refreshing to see a trans actress simply existing without her transness being the defining arc of her story. She was allowed to be pretty and even save Ken. In a time where Elemental failed to give a non-binary voice actor more than half a line of dialogue, it’s great to see Nef front and center in marketing. Even her dress on the pink carpet was great. You have to see it.
Finally, I must openly admit that this is the cutest that Ryan Gosling has looked in years. While he’s good at playing bad boys, there is something about him playing a parody of the blonde airhead that just delights me. You want to cuddle him and say it’s okay to cry. I don’t know that he’s been this charismatic since First Man (2018), and even then I don’t know that I’ve found him this fun in a lot, lot longer. Also, I think the film is a perfect deconstruction of amatanormativity, which makes his role even better. Given that Joy Ride (2023) features asexual representation in Deadeye, this has been an amazing summer. Add in Asteroid City (2023) and Past Lives (2023) and you have one hell of an amazing month. If you count streaming, Nimona (2023) features some excellent non-binary representation from N.D. Stevenson of She-Ra and the Princesses of Power fame.
But yes, even the Barbie soundtrack is high on my list of recommendations. It’s superfluous in a lot of respect, but it understood the assignment. Every artist feels rooted in an “Only in 2023” vibe (here’s looking at you, Gayle), but boy if they’re not doing some excellent work. I especially like Charli XCX’s track, which makes me think we’re destined to have a new movie track from her every year. I’m not opposed to that. Even the goofy Ice Spice/Nicki Minaj/Aqua mash-up works very well for me. I don’t think it’s a perfect album, but it has this joyful sheen with occasional dives into more complicated emotions – especially in the Billie Eilish track – that mostly land. I don’t know that it’ll change your world, but it’ll brighten your day to hear Lizzo turn P.I.N.K. into an acrostic poem.
There’s been a lot of other great albums that I’ve enjoyed recently. While I wouldn’t call it flawless, there is something mesmerizing about the messiness and ambition of Lil Uzi Vert’s “The Pink Tape” that I can’t fully write off. I may only go back to a half-dozen songs, but they’re such energetic little nuggets that hook you and get you moving. Elsewhere, I am a fan of Alaska Reid’s “Disenchanter” which benefits from A.G. Cook production and has a great mix of personal storytelling with a glitchy soundscape (I also like Astra King’s “First Love” E.P. from his P.C. Music label). Elsewhere, I would like to give a major shoutout to Julie Byrne’s “The Greater Wings,” which is one of my favorite albums of the year. As a record about the complicated relationship between a recently deceased friend, it deals with a lot of complicated emotions and does so with this somber beauty that consumes me whole. Other records I recommend include the new Anohni and the Johnsons as well as Janelle Monae’s absolutely buzzing summer sizzler “The Age of Pleasure.” I also have become a fan of Allegra Krieger’s “Precious Thing” which is one of the best recent albums about finding meaning in the mundanity of life. I am eager to check out her new stuff.
Elsewhere, I have been catching up on TV series that I am behind on. The most noteworthy is The Great. While I don’t know that the writer hits the same highs anymore that he did on The Favourite (2018), there is still something endearing about seeing Elle Fanning being given a nuanced role. Catherine the Great goes through a lot in the new season, and she sells a lot of complicated emotions. Some of it is hilarious others embarrassing or despairing. Still, you buy into it because of her excellent work. I think the show digs too much into novelty, but I still think this is an improvement over the previous season and features some solid costume work. Elsewhere, I was a fan of The Bear and recommend everyone who hasn’t seen it to get on that.
Also, if I can mention a dirty little secret. As much as it sounds like I’m sometimes altruistic or discuss amatanormativity as a bad thing, I do have some shameful truths. Lately, I have made it a habit to watch The Newlywed Game on Buzzr during Sunday afternoons. Nothing else is really on, so it’s fun to have this throwaway show. I think the demisexual in me loves it the most because it’s about getting to know people and while it dives into some trashy questions, it allows you to get a real sense of who these people are. You will never see them again. They exist in this half hour from 25 years ago. You don’t know if they’re still married, but you will love watching them try to understand each other. If not, they’ll throw a pillow and give a hilarious takedown of their spouse. It’s the type of fantasy of what it means to be married that seems joyful. Also, I grew up watching Bob Eubanks do the Rose Parade on New Year’s Day, so I already have a bias toward the host.
Sure, some of it is dated and actually dives into complicated matters that are still being processed. It’s the idea of how your spouse – usually a woman – can better their bodies or sex life. It’s a show that is in part about exploring their insecurities and playing it off as a joke. As someone who grew up in the days where you could still walk home from high school in time to catch The Jerry Springer Show or find Maury reruns in medical waiting rooms, I’m not entirely against that form of entertainment even if it’s largely offensive. I can recognize it critically now, but there’s no denying that it was a spectator’s sport to a younger me. With that said, The Newlywed Game is a little classier in that I can sense these people love each other at the end of the day. I don’t know how long I’ll love this summer pastime, but for now, it’s my guilty pleasure.
That, and I have been enjoying watching videos on that recent Lord of the Rings video game Gollum. For those who don’t know, it came out a few months ago and is one of the worst-produced games in years. It’s historically bad and there’s something intriguing about watching experts try to play its janky programming and get anywhere. I don’t know what it is about poorly produced CGI, but it’s endlessly entertaining for me. Gollum is one of the best examples of this in a long time.
And on a final note, MY ENGLISH TEACHER WAS ON WTF! Yes, the one I had just a few months ago, Robert Guffey, was interviewed by Marc Maron. I wasn’t even a week removed from completing university and there it was in my feed. If you like good conspiracy theory conversation, it’s worth your time. As for me, it’s just a great chance to hear him speaking to a man I admire. Given that he was one of my favorites when all is said and done, there’s something to having this two hour time capsule of his personality that I can save into a folder on my computer. It's not as great as the feedback he gave us, but it’s still a good talk.
As one can assume, July has been a pretty good month. While I have been all over the place in this entry, I think it reflects the range of emotions that I have experienced during this time. I am just enjoying life at the moment and trying not to get too caught up in the dark side. Being free from homework has allowed me to be more curious and explore, and it has been refreshing. I love having a moment to notice things that I had been putting off. While I need to start tightening things back up and treat August like a test run for The Fall, I’m thankful to have had some time to relax. It’s allowed me to do projects that seem trivial but gave me a greater sense of accomplishment once I did them.
I can’t fully speak to where I’ll be in August. I do hope to catch the new Ben Platt movie Theater Camp (2023) because I want to believe his career will rebound after Dear Evan Hansen (2021). I’ll also probably be picking writing projects back up and even continue plodding along through Novel3, which has been a bigger ordeal than I had originally envisioned. Beyond that, I hope that August is another month that reminds me that it’s okay to be happy. Just take a moment to look around and notice what really matters.
I hope the same can be said for everyone else. I know that it’s been way too hot. Arizona in particular has been going through a historic heat wave and my heart goes out to the family over there. Hopefully The Fall won’t be as bad. Then again, I hope a lot will be better by the time we count down on New Year’s Eve. Otherwise, July has been treating me right. It’s time to see what the road ahead will have for me. I want to believe that this is the start of an upward trajectory. It’s exciting. It’s scary. It’s full of potential that I may not even be aware of. I just need to go for it.
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