Back in 2011, I remember sitting online writing extensively about every disagreement I had with that year’s Golden Globes. Didn’t like the Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy or Musical winner? SEND POST. Didn’t like the Best Director winner? SEND POST. It was one of those nights where I wrote my opinions impulsively and maybe more caustic than this summary suggests. I was 21 and still going through a rebellious streak. Still, 2010 was the year I began a proper transition into a cinephile and felt passionate about MY films winning.
Then, somewhere in the mire, a friend reached out and wrote about how ridiculous it was that I was constantly updating something so trivial. His words were that, “I needed to get laid.” Ironically, this was all during the year that The Social Network (2010) came out and was planning to revolutionize the next era of cinema. After all, that’s what the commercials said. Ironic as it may be that we didn’t realize how problematic Mark Zuckerberg was. Even more ironic is how a film about how social media isolates us reflected my own instincts playing against me.
It would be many more years before I began to tone down. With that said, it led to a fun relationship with another online show host. She’d read my latest updates as something called “Thom News” and I craved that attention. Part of it was simply having no filter and no awareness of words having greater consequences. To some extent, I still wonder how much regretful work I wrote in my earlier life and what drove people away. As much as I recognize that a lot of early Millennial content creators are getting their just desserts for problematic dispositions, I feel like there’s more of a need to assess context. Not to excuse it, but more to understand.
Over the past few years, I have noticed that desperation is sort of coming back. Sure, I am more aware of what to say and not say. However, I have felt like the pandemic has caused me to feel more irrational about online conversations. Seeing what convinced my friend a decade ago to essentially tell me to “shut up” has become the norm. People who are much worse online are now in Congress and impacting everyone’s lives. I’m not saying that it somehow makes me better, but I am thankful that my friend called me out. The slow dismantling of the addictive nature of saying shit to say shit has helped me in the long run…
And yet, I notice that it doesn’t go away. Every now and then, I will get depressed and post something that is unintentionally vindictive. I try not to be mean-spirited to the point of suggesting violence, but there is a sense that I’m doing it to be “mean.” Sometimes it won’t click until hours later, but it’s all an effort to get attention. It’s not the type that gives me any sustainable endorphins, but it allows me to have that initial rush, or at least backtrack and apologize to the point we have a more rational conversation. I don’t know why it happens, but it’s there.
To be completely honest, it’s been exacerbated since late 2022 because of a recent purchase of Twitter by Elon Musk. To me, Twitter is the place where I get to be my most experimental self. It’s where I get to express myself without a sense of judgment from my family. I’ve found a community there. There’s a handful of people who have brought joy to me every time they respond to a random post. For a time, I was able to feel welcomed on Film Twitter because of how actively I was engaged with the regular news. And yet, because I experienced severe burnout to the point that I am almost rejecting the title of “movie critic,” I have felt more insecure there. I still know a lot of amazing people on Film Twitter who have only gotten better in the past three years. It’s just… I have come to suffer more and more from long droughts of “What’s the point?” My opinion doesn’t matter anymore. Every now and then I look at people getting worked up over something and recanting my friend from 2011.
I would never claim to have been that popular on Twitter. It’s the type of middling success that convinces me that nobody would hire me for a social media-centric promotional job. I’m not capable of engaging with the public in a meaningful way. More and more as I try to figure out what my future looks like, I sort of resent what Musk has turned Twitter into. Beyond the controversial implements, I’m talking about ways that he’s made it apparent that Twitter is designed for “success.” Basically, you need to get those clicks. Whereas I’ve been able to ignore it because the views were hidden, simple things like Musk making the post count visible have only sent me into shame spirals. Again, I think my opinion lacks an audience. Sometimes I will have good enough periods where it doesn’t bother me, but there’s always a crash. I look at it and wonder: HOW am I only getting 86 views? It makes it very clear that “my audience” doesn’t give a shit what I have to say about indie films. Indie film is what I’m most passionate about and nobody’s looking at it. Maybe it’s the algorithm and not my work. Still, it disheartens me so often that the only way to get attention is to comply with a popular topic, and that involves having an opinion on useless things that I never cared for. I don’t want to only talk about Marvel. Twitter should be a place where we all come with our own special interests and enhance each other’s tastes. Again, Film Twitter has many of them that I admire, but when you’re reduced to binary standards of clicks, it just eats away at me.
That’s the ultimate tragedy of how Twitter feels to me in 2023. It may have always been about getting the most eyes on your work, but it felt less indebted to humanity anymore. You can buy your way into “elite” status with a blue checkmark. I’m still unsure if Musk is serious about putting everything behind a paywall. Still, you realize how crass things have become when he forced his staff to explain why his Super Bowl tweet had fewer views than Joe Biden. As he’s joked about deleting Twitter and making elaborate changes, I find myself more and more insecure on there. It’s come to the point where I saw Dumb Money (2023) recently and recoiled at a meme using his face. This is what he wanted. He wants to be cool and he does so by complying with the coolest trends in the most removed ways possible. He doesn’t care if it inconveniences you that his special interests intrude on your time on the bird app. He just wants you to see how funny his head looks poorly edited onto a meme.
Of course, there are other reasons that Twitter as a platform felt toxic when I decided to step away. I have become more sensitive to language that is against The LGBTQIA+ Community. When I wrote a Happy Mother’s Day post and mentioned trans women, I got the familiar backlash. Nobody liked the post. I was just getting hate. When a famous author died who only wrote me once in her entire life, a series of Anti-Vax conspiracists bothered me for days about how dumb her death was. I recognize that I’m not the first to get such insensitive replies. However, as 2023 progressed I began to feel like it was only going to hurt me to risk coming across transphobes who didn’t share my love of seeing Hari Neff in Barbie (2023). As it stands, I remain grateful that my personal reading of Gwen Stacy being trans in Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023) hasn’t been ruined by a cavalcade of attacks. I’ve been afforded the ability to ignore most of it outside of Jessie Gender videos.
I suppose that I should provide more context for why the sudden departure was done. As much comfort as the website has given me when I do find my friends, I think that I was reaching another sadness. My posts were reaching a lull and I just didn’t want to be on there that much. In fact, I wasn’t because I was in my final semester of university. There was already fear of ending my school career on a wrong note. This was before I realized that I needed to take summer classes to cover some units. This was when I feared I wasn’t giving my all and showing up to class was exhausting. It’s the imposter syndrome looming. It’s the idea that I’ll get to graduation and feel empty for no reason. Prior to July, I would say that I was in a dark, existential place. It had less to do with my disappointment with the world and more that I just didn’t know where I would be at the end of the year.
The moment wasn’t that well thought out. I was going to step away from Twitter for the weekend so that I could watch The Oscars without any additional commentary. It was a tradition I made because I realized how much I enjoyed what was often dismissed as “boring” or “controversial.” Sure, it meant I missed a lot of wardrobe mistakes or background gags, but I loved the awards first and foremost. Having it be given to Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022) is one of the smartest Best Picture winners in years – maybe since Moonlight (2016). Hearing The Daniels discuss their ADHD on an awards stage felt empowering. As the night wound down and I took account of everything, I realized one thing…
I wasn’t wanting to go on Twitter.
What usually struck me as a happy moment ended up filling me with dread. I didn’t want to hear about how Angela Bassett was robbed. I contemplated whether there’d be a strong Anti-Asian discourse there. To get more personal, seeing my first footage of The Whale (2022) triggered my dysmorphia something terrible that night. It was clear. You can’t win an Oscar if you’re fat, but you can win if you can get someone to make you look fat. It was terrible when The Darkest Hour (2017) did it, and it was even worse when Darren Aronofsky did it. Still, for as much as I was having a good night, I just didn’t want those opinions. Even the good ones who would enhance my appreciation of the ceremony would have to be sacrificed. And you know what? I ended that night happy and relaxed.
I kept telling myself that I’d go back tomorrow. I’d go back tomorrow. I’d go back tomorrow. As you can assume, that turned into weeks and maybe a month. I was going to wait until the Oscar talk died down. Then, some other controversy emerged. I didn’t want to hear about that one either. Soon, I had to make a plan. It’s one that I had done the previous year, though not as severely. During one random night, I decided to catch people off guard by saying “I’ll be gone until October.” It was arbitrary but far enough away that I imagined everything would make sense by then. I have only been on since to retrieve personal information to stylize my largely unused Threads account (this was during a time when Musk blocked the website from non-users).
Was it reckless? Maybe, insomuch as Twitter is where most of my website traffic is derived from. I haven’t found a single place where I get as much drive. Instead, I wanted to try and fall into more of an anonymous position. With Twitter gone, I wouldn’t have an outlet for my more impulsive thoughts. I would be self-consciously aware that someone I might know was reading. While it was restricting, it also meant that I got to rebuild my identity in front of an audience that I assumed actually cared about me. I wouldn’t say I’ve been lacking one, but there’s a sense that I wasn’t being totally honest. Even if I receive just as much attention on Facebook for my film opinions, it felt fine because I wasn’t bombarded with numbers. All there was were my words. I wasn’t concerned about going “viral.” I could just be me and see if people liked or hated that I was talking more about topics that interested me.
How was Facebook different? For starters, it’s one that’s more designed for personal use. Whereas I can say I have friends on Twitter, Facebook actually has friends that I’ve actively met in person and hung out with for years. They know me. It’s forced me to stop wondering what people would think if I accidentally bespoke “Zack Snyder.” Instead, I got to just be myself and only when I wanted to. While I would also use TikTok and Instagram, they were always more as passive viewers, so I had no attachment issues.
Also, I encouraged myself to just not be on social media. With the school semester coming to an end, it was indicative that I just ignored whatever problems the walls of text spoke of. Sure, a lot of them were able to seep into my life in other ways, but by focusing on school, I was able to end my university run with a 3.6 GPA and an enjoyable graduation. I didn’t have to worry that it only got 86 views. All that I had to do was be in the moment.
Which is the thing. A lot of post-education life has been about trying to discover what the next phase of life is. Something about Twitter at that time convinced me that it would only discourage or distract me. I would wallow in my lack of success and find that because I couldn’t deliver a dazzling post that I wasn’t achieving my goals. I’ve begun to form a plan and I’m grateful that I am not as in the dark as I was in March. It’s far from any finish line, but I want to believe I’m getting somewhere.
I’ve become more nostalgic and self-reflective. I’ve allowed myself to just enjoy things that I wanted. While my upcoming series on my time in school has been a slow process, discovering things about myself has allowed me to appreciate how far I’ve come. I’ve thought fondly back on my youth and even my 20s, which I’d argue was a very rocky period. Without having to worry about what others would think, I got to explore complicated emotions and not have to report to anyone but myself. Everything lead to relief. Sure, there are a lot of mistakes I’ve made that I’m nervous about writing the final entry for, but closure to me has always been important.
I’ve allowed myself to be more anonymous online. Not to stalk people, but more to just talk about what interests me without having to deal with potential disappointment. I’ve come to enjoy watching YouTube videos and leaving encouraging feedback. It’s caused me to find like-minded people who, if briefly, intersect with me for an amusing exchange. I once even got a shoutout from CDTV on his live stream of the Lil Xan album. Small things like that have made art feel special again. I’m not forcing myself to “be big.” I’m just doing small things that connect me with a self that has needed recognition. It’s okay to like goofy things. As dumb as it sounds, this gave me some relief that I wasn’t pressuring myself to network a long-term relationship.
I’ve gone to more live theater, sporting events, and even went up to Big Bear for a few days. There’s been efforts to remove myself from the digital space. Sure, this isn’t entirely true given that I have listened to the most new music I have listened to possibly ever. I have found new artists I love, like Indigo De Souza and Palehound, who I enjoy just vibing out to. There’s no need to compare myself to anyone else’s tastes. I like what I like, and that’s what I needed to relearn. I felt discouraged from following new music in 2020 because I didn’t agree with many end of the year lists. Now, I’m fine with disagreement because the records I will discuss are meaningful to me.
Of course, it’s hard to really ignore Twitter in 2023. Whereas you kind of could even in 2021, there is an abundance of controversies that I’ve become aware of since my hiatus. I am still miffed by the “cis is a slur” bullshit he tried to push because it reflects just how much he doesn’t understand basic language, let alone that his cry of free speech feels like a lie only meant to support the bullies. He is doing a lot that probably sounds innovative to him but comes across as a joke. Maybe it’s all just an attempt to stay in the news, but I can’t see his approach working. How is he an innovator when he wastes so much time trying to be liked by strangers online? He had one job, and that was not to “fix” what was already “fixed.” To me, he’s removed the appeal of social media by exploiting the fragility of its infrastructure.
And yet, for everything that has happened over the past six months, I have one thing to say. I am relieved that I wasn’t there to worry about it. I haven’t had to worry about all the controversies that have come and gone in that time. To me, they aren’t even memories. They’re gone. Sure I’ve missed a ton of trends that probably were cool, but it means something…
It makes me recognize how much happier I have been without Twitter bothering me. It has become a conundrum. Will I return in October and find myself more relaxed and Zen? The only thing that has me concerned about Twitter is that everyone that I liked has disappeared and I missed their going away messages. They will be lost in people who still post daily and hog up space. I hope they have fixed their scrolling disaster that has limited the fun of looking at hundreds of posts in one long addictive chain. The way certain posts return over and over bothered me. Alas, I know that I’ve had alternatives this whole time. Still, has Threads become a thing? Has Blueskyy become a thing? What am I missing out on?
Maybe I will have been left behind and need to start from scratch. From the way that people are talking about Twitter these days, I don’t believe that I have. However, I do recognize that what comes out of the site is no different from what I heard in 2011 from my friend. People have become so codependent on online validation that they lose sight of individuality and humanity. It has me worried. Still, being able to step away after worrying that I was taking parasocial relationships too far has allowed me some room to grow and realize how much I have going for myself. It might not be on Twitter, but who knows.
So yes, sometime soon I will return to Twitter. Whereas I had comfort in August that this date was far off, now it’s here and I don’t know that I really want to go back. On the one hand, I’m relieved that I missed so much negativity. However, am I just stepping back into the negativity? Maybe I will be better trained not to just give in to it. Still, what if I look and it’s grotesque, where they’re still talking about the most trivial things imaginable? Maybe so. However, I want to believe my friends will be there, ready to greet me and share everything that I’ve missed. A lot has happened over the past few months. Surely something good has as well.
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