Lordy, lordy… how is October over already? I am not entirely sure what the phenomenon is where time passes by quickly, but it has felt that way a lot in the past two months. There’s something surreal about approaching Saturday and realizing that six days had passed only to return to the belief that next week is the one that will give you enough time for everything. Then suddenly it’s Wednesday. Then Friday. We are stumbling closer to the end of 2023 and I’m not entirely sure that I’m ready to say goodbye. This has been a strange year mentally. Maybe it’s the right mentality to approach this month with. After all, we must face our fears at some point. Better do it before Mariah Carey comes back.
For reasons that I’m not entirely sure, Halloween is one of those periods that have a bipolarity to them. There are some years where I’ll actively stock up on horror films and go nuts. I’ve never been a festive type, but I love indulging in supernatural storytelling that feels so campy and nonsensical. Last year I even assisted in a trick-or-treating route just to see if it sparked any sense of joy in my life. There have been other years where I’ve been more burnt out and less willing to put up with it. Luckily, this year is closer to the former, though even then I feel like I underperformed any duties to make this month as spooky as possible. Maybe it’s that I’ve been busy going here and there and everywhere, but I haven’t had time to truly consume the season.
Though it can’t be all bad. I walked into a Rite Aid and found a Jason Mask on sale for $3.50. Given that it’s a very cool and iconic design, I snatched it up quickly. The only downside of a $3.50 Jason Mask is that the bolts that hold the mask to the straps stick out with the one in the forehead poking me. It’s what inspired me to spend a lot of time recently watching Friday the 13th movies. I wouldn’t call myself a fan. Slasher films are, by nature, a tough genre for me to totally let myself go in. However, I did get to Friday the 13th: Pt. VI – Jason Lives (1986) and let me tell you… that one is a hoot and a half. Some of them can be joyless and too methodical, but that one goes off the rails quickly and I love where it takes things. I also got around to Halloween Ends (2022) recently and, guess what, I’m a fan. It’s an arthouse story hidden in a genre film. I’m sure purists hate it for logical reasons, but it’s the most David Gordon Green film I’ve seen in eons. Who knows. Maybe I am coming around to slashers.
What I’m not coming around to is torture porn. I watched Saw III (2006) and found it to be very uncomfortable even if the throughline is actually a lot smarter than it looks. Also, Jigsaw is kinda stupid. I’m still not sure if I’m ready to believe that this is a bug or feature about how he symbolizes our social systems and their inability to actually treat and fix problems. Would be nice, but this series feels too grindhouse to put that much thought into a Pulitzer-level statement.
However, I suppose a major reason that October has been a strange month is that I have been experiencing a sense of loneliness. As much as I believe that the phrase “being alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely” is very helpful, there’s something undeniable about being too much in your head. Even as I’ve gone to MLB, WNBA, NBA, and NCAA games in the past two months, there is something that feels missing.
I am having an amazing time at most of them. I am enjoying the company of loved ones and the exciting nature of competition. There is something cathartic to being in social situations that makes you notice and appreciate the world around you. However, I think it comes back to a simple desire. I would like to know someone I can be vulnerable with whom I can express ideas to and not worry that it will create conflict. I want to have someone give me a hug and say everything will be okay. I’m in a time of transition. I don’t know where I’ll be this time next year, preferably in a stable job and headed towards a lot of personal goals that are financially centered. For now, I’m far from there and I’m not sure how to get there. I worry about the fight or flight situation throwing me into a fawn state and I’ll just watch my life pass by without real accomplishment. I know I’ve done something. I know I’ve done something. But why can’t I feel satisfied with where I am?
It's not as crippling as it used to be. I’m trying to find ways to better myself and I’ve found increments of progress. I’ve been sleeping better and putting more work into productivity that matters. I think it’s just impatiently waiting to see the results that upset me. Still, I have returned to Twitter and am trying to approach it with a cooler head. Whereas I found myself depressed and unmotivated, I am currently using it as a source of momentary joy. I’m happy to report that a lot of people I respect are still there and doing well. Hopefully, I’ll do better this time. It’s still ridiculous some of the things Elon Musk has done to the once fledgling website, but whatever.
I apologize for starting with a bit of a melancholic start. While I have been a bit somber lately, I wouldn’t say that it means I’m sad. I just think it comes with collecting your thoughts and trying to understand what you want out of life. Maybe it’s because I finally watched The Haunting of Hill House and was absolutely ravaged. That, and I’ve found some surprisingly powerful podcast episodes that have encouraged me to stop and think. Along with Search Engine’s recent episode on social media, Heavyweight’s episodes “Leif” and "Victor and Maite" have hit a bit close to home and made me very emotional. But yeah, as Phoebe Bridgers would say… it’s Halloween! I’m going to try and make the last few days matter. I may not put out decorations, but I hope to keep the spirit alive in me.
To move on to other things… we are in the middle of ACE WEEK! It’s my third since coming out as asexual, and it’s great to see creators out there spreading the love. I wrote a piece on why I enjoy Alice Oseman’s “Loveless” and why sharing stories is a great way to find community. If you want some great ace-coded cinema, No Hard Feelings (2023) is officially on Netflix and is a very demisexual story. Also, if you love Barbie (2023), it is a very queer story and I’d argue fairly asexual. I will end by saying that an ace-identifying YouTube creator who did a great video on Barbie named talistheintrovert. She has a lot of great videos that I encourage you to check out. As usual, if you want representation that means a lot to me, consider watching season two of Everything is Gonna Be Okay or Princess Cyd (2017).
To start shifting into the bulk of this essay, I think we’ll stay on a similar track to the previous paragraph. I’m sad to hear that Terence Davies has passed away. He’s a great filmmaker who has explored queerness throughout the 20th and 21st centuries with his recent Benediction (2022) exploring a generation who grew up after World War I. It’s a very good movie and one of many high points. I especially love A Quiet Passion (2016) which explores Emily Dickinson’s work through a clever framing device. It’s a story of solitude and sadness, but there’s still hope in finding the creative spark. I’m sure there’s even more I could choose from, but I think he’s someone who deserves a lot of respect.
Also, there’s something disconcerting about the direction that America is going in 2023. If you add in all of the book banning and murdering allies, it has rarely felt like a more dangerous time to support The LGBTQIA+ Community. It’s become trendier to just censor or ignore because you’re less likely to receive blowback. I commented on it when The Los Angeles Clippers didn’t include Pride Night on their special nights list. It’s disappearing, sometimes quietly. Others like The Scholastics Book Fair are copping out by making the availability of gay books optional. While I am hopeful that the internet will reach a greater expanse, there’s still the reality of hearing people say “We don’t want you” that hurts. Elsewhere, The HBI reported that of all hate crimes, 1,942 cases were attributed to sexual orientation and 469 to gender identity (both major increases). How am I supposed to feel optimistic? How am I supposed to not feel some animosity toward the religious sect who say “Love thy neighbor” while bulldozing their house? It’s hard to keep a level head.
There’s also the reality that the world has started yet another humanitarian crisis in Israel. As Ukraine continues to withstand terrible blasts, Israel is on the verge of losing everything it holds dear. I don’t wish to comment on the political component, but what is happening on a civilian level is upsetting. Seeing hospitals being blown up shows the level of malice that is being thrust on the innocent. I don’t believe any of them deserve harm and what is happening is atrocious. I join in hoping for a speedy and rational conclusion. Though I don’t know. I just wish things would stop going wrong.
The world is a weird place right now. When I was at Hadestown recently, there was a guy in attendance who yelled “Bibi is responsible for Gaza!” during the curtain call. As much as you can read it as protest, something about his general behavior struck me as more Tourette’s. Still, I worried about passing him on the way out because who knew if he truly was unstable. Similarly, I was leaving The Clippers vs. The Denver Nuggets game last week and some guy tried to mug me and accused me of stealing his wallet. Luckily, I was with people with better defense skills, so nothing escalated. The one upside to that evening is that I officially get what you all see in Nikola Jokic. What a beast of a player. Still, why are people being more vulgar lately? Is it just a coincidence that I keep getting thrown into these situations? In lighter (?) news, someone tried to use my e-mail to start an Ashley Madison account. It’s an uneventful story, but it amuses me that anyone would have an affair with someone whose account is “Willett Reads.”
Speaking of, I’m currently working my way through Leo Tolstoy’s “Anna Karenina.” I haven’t talked much about it, but I am a big fan of “War & Peace” and think that it’s one of the most accomplished novels of the 19th century. While I don’t love his romantic drama as much, there is something so organic and timeless to his style. Maybe it’s because most classic novels are about academic, upper-echelon types who are way too introspective, it’s interesting to see him write about people who behave in ways not dissimilar from the modern day. There are strains of the marriage plotline that echo beliefs some hold today. There’s chauvinism that is nuanced and not simply misogynistic. It’s a cultural and even historical commentary that I can see in later works by Virginia Woolf. He’s a smart writer who is also way funnier than he gets credit for. One character lifts dumbbells when he’s angry to calm down. With that said, he’s also the master of minutiae as he makes a horse race into a page-turning classic. I am curious to revisit the Joe Wright film when I’m done because I remember being underwhelmed by it.
Speaking of things that I have been underwhelmed by, let’s talk about American Horror Story’s latest season Delicate. Whereas I was a fan of NYC, Delicate is a return to recent form that sadly makes me realize how limited the appeal of this show is. I return every year because of genuine curiosity in the new premise (and I guess completionist at this point) and most of the past five years have been a letdown. I’m still convinced that I missed the final episode of Double Feature because the ending was anticlimactic.
I wanted to love Delicate more because it centers around Emma Roberts. I’ve been a fan since Palo Alto (2014) and have only wanted the best for her. She is doing fine, but I think the show’s efforts to make more of a slow burn haven’t panned out. It’s definitely weird and offbeat, but what is the greater message about women and fertility? I guess there’s some inside baseball going on in the satire about how to look attractive and campaign for awards, but is it enough? Every episode passes without much fanfare, and I can’t say that I sense a rising tension. Given that American Horror Stories is returning for a brief run, I can only hope they threw their best ideas there though, based on two seasons, I wouldn’t say so. It’s definitely smart to reduce the madness to a short window, but it hasn’t panned out just yet.
Though speaking of fanfare, I am happy to report that I am a fan of Dorian Electra’s new project of the same name. I’ve written about it before, but it’s a goofy, shameless record that is rebellious and strange in ways that I definitely need right now. As much as I need the cool dulcet tones of new boygenius, having someone absolutely take the piss out of authoritarian tendencies is excellent. On the flip side, I am also a big fan of Hannah Diamond’s “Picture Perfect,” which is a delightful pick-me-up record whenever I’m feeling down. While I didn’t love “Reflections,” her sophomore work feels more polished and emphasizes what has made her a fun part of P.C. Music. I recommend giving it a spin if you need a smile.
Another thing that has given me a smile is the new Caroline Polachek song “Dang.” Given that “Desire I Want to Turn Into You” is already likely to be in my Top 10 for the year, it’s fun to hear her do an abstract b-side that finds her doing all these vocal effects and singing about… well, I’m not entirely sure what. I’ve been following her videos on Instagram and the way she’s teased it out with miniature, unrelated videos has been infectious to figure out what’s even going on. It’s the perfect fever dream for a Halloween spirit. She eventually performed it on The Late Show and sold shirts inspired by it, and I’d recommend checking that out as well (she was also on Tiny Desk Concerts if you need more).
Finally, if you want a great score to add to your playlist, please check out Robbie Robertson’s work on Killers of the Flower Moon (2023). I may have disliked the movie, but the music for it is excellent.
As I round the closing section, I thought that I’d note some positives in my life. At the time of this publication, I am looking to publish a new short story called “Concession Workers” which is inspired by Alice Munro and my increasing love of art analysis videos on YouTube. My current Twitter image is from Hugue Merle’s “The Lunatic of Etretat,” which I think is a very interesting picture of a woman holding a log. Is she mourning or is she insane? Is she on the edge of society? There are a lot of fascinating ways to read such a simple portrait. Anyway, keep an eye out for my new short story. I would also like to assume that my new series exploring my school years called Learner’s Permit will debut in the month ahead.
Other than that, I am approaching November with some curiosity. It’s not the most eventful month yet, but I will hopefully be seeing Beautiful and The Sound of Music onstage soon. If I’m lucky, I will also be at one of The Big West’s tournaments for women’s volleyball. We have been having an excellent season and it’s been thrilling to be on the cusp of that number one spot. All we have to do is take down Santa Barbara and their perfect record. I’m sure there will be movies to check out as well, like I know Alexander Payne has a new one that seems enjoyable.
My one disappointment is that Thanksgiving has been losing a lot of its meaning over the past few years. We’re not a big family so we don’t get a lot of people over. Given how often we get together, the idea of gathering loses its specialness outside of watching the parade. I’m hoping that this year won’t be too bad. It’s the first since both of my grandparents have died so it’s just the core family doing whatever. Fingers crossed that something miraculous happens.
Before I leave, I thought that I’d mention that I’m about to update my social media links, but you can start following me here: Twitter, Bluesky, Letterboxd, Threads, Amazon, Instagram, YouTube (coming soon). I have recently deleted my page on Facebook. I apologize to those who may have been using it as a way of keeping connected with me. With that said, most of the websites listed are more for keeping tabs on people, though feel free to talk to me on there.
Anyway, I know that there are still a few more days to Halloween. I’m hoping that they’re going to be enjoyable and give me an excuse to eat candy. Will I be out on the trail again? Maybe. I might even pull out my Jason Mask even if it’s difficult to see through. I’m looking for any reason to enjoy life right now, and seeing my loved ones happy has been doing enough. I’m doing plenty for myself, but sometimes you just have to give into the moment and see a world outside of yourself. I know that correlating it to a Jason Mask isn’t exactly the best way of saying it, but it’s still a goofy thing to do. I just hope my head doesn’t hurt too much when everything’s over.
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