As November ends, I conclude that time is a surreal construct. More than any other month in the 2023 calendar, it hasn’t felt… solid. No, the average week of this month has moved in a fluid way where one day you’re in the first week and suddenly you’re ending Saturday on the third. I can’t explain this phenomenon, especially since I question how “productive” this period was, but I have not felt connected to this month in the same way that I would October or even September. Maybe it’s a side effect of your mind growing more engaged with other activities, but all in all, I’m left with dizzying confusion.
Right now, Southern California is a very confusing place to live. I’m not talking about the arson event along The I-10. I’m talking about how day to day and even day to night has been such a fluctuating period of weather. There was a 24-hour period where we went from Mid-80s to a complete rainstorm. While there is a sense of stabling out, there will be the odd hot day next to a cold one that really throws my rhythm off. Add in the common complaint right now that it gets dark at 5 PM, and you have the equivalence of a fever dream. With that said, I am thankful for one thing regarding the Daylights Saving Time this year. That hour difference means that I’m going for walks as the weather cools. As much as a thorough sweat might do me good in other ways, coming home at a moderate temperature has felt nice.
That is the one thing that I have been working on since November. When I last wrote in October, I felt like I was in the midst of a largely stagnant period of my life. It wasn’t necessarily that I hadn’t done anything worth mentioning, but more that I had sat around long enough that you think too hard about what you’re not doing. You begin to feel like a failure and take every minor inconvenience as an offense. Because it was Halloween, I especially felt it hard because the internet convinced me that everyone was out doing social events, being happy. Don’t get me wrong. I never go do anything on Halloween anyway, but when you have time to ruminate, you begin to obsess over things that have been known to trigger depression.
It's one of the reasons that the internet became an addictive menace on that night. I was able to indulge in the fact I was alone. My dysphoria was reaching a peak it hadn’t in a long time as I noticed people in groups being happy and, more importantly, attractive. I never had a body like theirs. I never got to experience life getting those opportunities. They were beautiful and fashionable. For whatever reason, it’s a sensation that ate at me for days after, thinking of how unlucky I was. I think that I eventually realized that I could be stuck wondering because I didn’t have that shape or refocus on things I could control.
Returning to the board of self-reflection, I was able to start working on projects that you will hopefully see sooner than later. If everything has gone according to plan, you’ll have seen Part 1 of my Learner’s Permit series which I hope to run sporadically over potentially the next year. It’s an autobiographical recollection of my school years in hopes of better understanding them. What I’ve found is that as I’ve gone along, I’ve found expectations shifting and discovering things about myself that I can only hope are true. Part of me is concerned that the series could become too accusatory, but the greater goal is to try and let go. I want this period to be documented with the hope of not having it burden me. Maybe if I talk about everything, I’ll be able to notice what I’ve achieved, successes and failures, and accept that I’m still here and doing okay. I already have an idea of how I want the afterword to look like, but don’t wish to write it prematurely.
As I start to move on, I will say that I’m ending November happier than I ended October. I can’t say by how much, but the disposition is definitely more optimistic. Doing writing on Learner’s Permit has allowed me to exhale in ways that I didn’t know I needed. Holding onto memories that I find painful was difficult. More than anything, that was my issue in October. I wasn’t keeping the waterways clear. Everything needs to keep moving.
I should also note that this was written before Thanksgiving, meaning that there’s an off-chance that a lot will go down between the publication and the actual end of the year. Current plans for me include attending The Big West Tournament for women’s volleyball. While CSULB has unfortunately ended their season with losses in 3 of 4 games (their most the whole season), I’m hoping to see them make it to the semifinals. With that said, I am confident that nobody is taking down Santa Barbara. I don’t know who’s following that story, but they’ve only lost one game and, ironically, they’re Irvine whom CSULB is playing in the first round. It’s going to be exciting and kind of wild if I walk into The Pyramid and not see my team on the floor.
Similarly, I am speculating how Thanksgiving within itself is going to go. I’ve gradually found it to be a meaningless holiday and have tried to see it through my family’s eyes to reconnect with why it matters. I suppose the big reason it bothers me this year is that this is the first one in which my grandparents are gone. Everyone that I will be seeing that day are people I’ve seen most weeks throughout the year. We’re not a big family that pulls from all corners of the states. We’re all within driving distance. It’s hard to have the same enthusiasm when you’ve been seeing them almost every week since the last Thanksgiving.
With that said, I am looking forward to the one thing that has provided some sense of curiosity in the wake of this generational shifting. I am not someone who grew up on The Macy’s Day Parade. It’s true that I probably have seen a lot of the Broadway performances, but as a ceremony, I have largely ignored it until a few years ago when I decided that it would be fun background noise. Given that I have young family, it has allowed for small moments of wonderment and a good transition into the Christmas season. Getting to see so and so on a float is also nice, though my mother is a dyed-in-the-wool fan of The Rose Parade on New Year’s Day simply because they’re less artificial.
The one thing I’m looking forward to is the performance by How To Dance in Ohio. I know it’s a weird superstition to have, but because they haven’t released a full recording, I haven’t heard anything from it. I need the full picture to judge it properly. Still, it’s a concept that gives me some hope that it will be really good. It focuses on a group of autistic students getting to attend a school dance. I have many assumptions about where things go from there but have been blissfully in the dark for the sake of going in with wonderment. It’s one of the few truly great moments of the parade… discovering new musicals.
Enough looking forward. I think there’s a need to shift to what November has been like elsewhere. To be honest, it’s been a bit strange. On the one hand, my return to Twitter has been a welcomed one. I need to learn how to regulate time better, but I’m having great conversations with the people that I’ve missed on there.
However, I have also come across a familiar role of problems. Having been off Twitter for six months, I forgot the level of bigotry that can be found there. It got so bad that The Trevor Project had to leave. In my case, I found a post where J.K. Rowling commented on a generic “Trans women are women” post with a “Nope” style remark. I reported it only to have the powers that be e-mail me and say it didn’t go against any of their codes of conduct and not to worry because “everybody makes mistakes,” which definitely didn’t sit well with me. I don’t block a lot of people on Twitter, but Rowling quickly joined Musk on that list. It wasn’t long after that everyone discovered that the website accepted a million dollars to promote a detransition documentary from PragerU, who already stand to have a toxic influence on the school system. Nothing is looking good here.
It feels frustrating to see everything backsliding so triumphantly. I’ve gone into a grocery store where The Epoch Times had a table trying to get subscribers. They had copies by the door and I recognize how innocuous their evil approach is. If you see a newspaper, you’re more likely to believe it’s real because… who releases physical media anymore? It’s an easy way to reach an impressionable audience, especially one who has encouraged Scholastic Book Fairs to segregate literature and make being homosexual into an indecent public act in some cities. Add in every ban and negative piece of rhetoric and you get the sense that this genocide is borderline successful. With that said, this nation has had elections and have voted strongly against these type of politicians, including electing a trans state senator from Virginia named Danica Roem. The future looks exciting.
Even then, it’s a bit disappointing to report that the weight has impacted some more negatively. A mayor in Alabama named "Bubba" Copeland was found to privately dress up as a woman. A yellow journalist decided it was okay to use those photographs as extortion. Without a lot of personal knowledge, I’ve heard that said mayor was a compassionate and humane member of society. However, they ended up committing suicide when it became clear that they wouldn’t beat the cruel demands. I was actually on a Trans Subreddit where members talked about how nice she was and supportive of others. I think finding this small community only makes it more of a gut punch because it makes you realize how connected the world is.
Maybe it’s why the world in general feels more melancholic. There are of course wars overseas that produce horrific results. Knowing that there are people hateful enough to bomb hospitals and put innocent lives at risk is stomach-churning. Given that I openly accept that I am growing more sensitive as I age, I’ve tried to avoid seeing things too graphic because the few times I have, it’s been difficult to ignore. I know it’s important to be aware, but I think those pushing everyone to see the atrocities are a mixed bag. I respect it in the sense that it needs to be documented, but I also need to sleep at night. America is already screwed up enough that our problems give me a lot to worry about… and that’s before you realize how it doesn’t feel like The House has any legs to stand on. But yes, the war needs to end but I feel helpless to give an idea of how.
Before I shift totally away from politics, I want to end on a somber note that I think is a bit more optimistic. This past weekend, First Lady Rosalyn Carter died at 96. I’m someone who personally admires The Carter Administration and think that Jimmy Carter did a lot of good for America even if he was arguably “ineffective” in some ways. To me, the compassion they shared with the world has rippled for a near 40 years since they left office. Given that Rosalyn was an advocate for mental health, I think her influence matters even more. I want to believe because of people like her, there’s been certain stigmas that have disappeared even if we have ways to go. She was also a big supporter of butterflies and has a trail for monarchs that sounds like an interesting place to visit. All in all, she is someone that I’ve admired, and look forward to discovering the tributes as they pour in.
With a need to talk about something more optimistic, I want to touch on a musical that has the benefit of being a ray of sunshine. Earlier this month, I got to see Beautiful. It’s based on the career of Carole King and features a lot of her greatest hits from early on. While I think it often falls a bit too much into cheesy sitcom techniques, there is something to the dream of an artist overcoming their struggles to produce empowering music and finding their voice. It’s essentially a story of someone who stops giving her voice to others and learns to speak for herself. As the title suggests, it is a beautiful experience and the perfect feel-good show for a time like this.
I will say in general that Carole King has been one of those great warm hugs that I’ve needed this year. Alongside The Carpenters, there is something about her approach to music that just resonates with me. Of course, “Tapestry” is a masterpiece that lets you sit with it and ruminate on life. I’ve been gingerly working my way through the rest of her discography and really like “Music” as well, specifically “It’s Going to Take Some Time.” I want to believe that this will be a journey worthy of continuing as time goes on and I have a need for more warm hugs. I’m also considering diving into James Taylor, especially since I saw a live performance he did on KCET that was a lot of fun.
To stay on the topic of musicals, I also recently discovered that the 2021 London revival of Cabaret released a cast recording in January. It made me curious to finally hear a show where Eddie Redmayne plays The Emcee and how that would sound. To be completely honest, it’s nuts and I can only imagine what happens if I see him do that on The Tonys. It’s way more cartoonish in the vein of Joel Grey and even then, a bit deranged. The music is as great as ever, but my heart is fully with Jessie Buckley as Sally. She does a phenomenal job with these numbers and I’m grateful to have heard her. The work she does on “Cabaret” especially is deserving of a listen. It’s a searing musical in general, but there’s a rawness of this production that draws me in and makes me excited to see if it can translate to Broadway.
With that said, I did listen to the Cabaret revival in part because of Buckley. I’ve been curious to see what she can do as an artist. I’ve enjoyed her acting career and want to see more of her work. Oddly enough, this was also done as a transition to discuss that I am giving season four of Fargo another chance because of the upcoming new season. It’s wild to think that it didn’t appeal to me the first time around because I am a Noah Hawley fan. Fargo is one of my favorite modern series and I’m looking forward to the new season. I even enjoy his fiction with “The Punch.”
I think there’s just something daunting about season four because it’s the one where he suddenly decided to make an epic. Every episode, without commercials, runs around an hour and is packed with a giant cast. It reminds me of The Wire at times with how he’s expecting you to follow these pieces and wait until they click into place. I can’t say that it’s the most accessible or enjoyable, but I appreciate the chutzpah with which he’s setting things up. It’s a unique experience that I hope he scales back from going forward. Even then, I am enjoying just being back in this world because he knows how to populate the world. I also didn’t realize how awesome the music on the show is because it goes hard.
And yes, that means that this is the third thing with Jason Schwartzman that I have seen this month. He’s had a fantastic 2023 and I am hoping that this marks a return to form for him. He used to be everywhere when I was younger and I guess he needed a break to find himself again. Along with Fargo, I am having a blast watching Scott Pilgrim Takes Off which is a detour from Bryan Lee O’Malley’s original series but is going in directions that I’m enjoying so far. Similarly, he had a fantastic role in The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes (2023) in a wonderfully campy role. It’s a really good movie overall with some of the series’ best storytelling, so it’s nice to see him getting quality work.
Though speaking of things that are not quality work… James Harden is officially on The Los Angeles Clippers. They had a record of 1 out of 7 in his early run which convinces me that this was a bad call. He was a great athlete but his work with others has bothered me, especially what he’s done with Russell Westbrook on The Houston Rockets. I am worried this will be a cratering year and I’m not looking forward to excuses. “I’m a system.” Get out of here.
Other than that… the actors’ strike is over! It’s been a crazy year and I think has given us plenty to think about about what value performers have in our world. I am personally scared of a world where we have to compete with A.I. for creative attention. The idea of a computer being able to replicate styles is uncomfortable and should be shut down before it advances. Then again, it also reveals how capitalism works and how it’s not always in favor of the artist. When the least creative person is holding up negotiations because they refuse to financially incentivize the most creative person, that’s where the problem lies. Why is the one not coming up with the ideas so capable of choking it out? Anyway, I’m hoping that the results are serviceable in ways that benefit those who make an active living from this career. It’s annoying that it took this long to get an answer, but then again, I’m not even in this industry… just a fan, as they would say.
I realize that I haven’t written a lot of posts this month and I apologize for that. I’ll confess that motivation has been difficult to hold onto and any regular output is hard to keep track of. My hope is that as we round the end of the year I am able to get some content out in a more regular manner. It’s been an interesting year that has seen plenty of changes that I hope to build on and improve my life with. It’s something that I need to work on, honestly. I’m not exactly where I want to be at this point, but on the other hand, it could be worse.
I’m curious to know what December has in store. There is something that always feels a bit beguiling about Christmas season because of how hegemonic it all ends up being. What I’ve noticed with Halloween is that there’s an individuality to it all that you can build off of. For Christmas, it’s playing some variation of the same 24 songs within the same key register. I guess whereas Halloween feels like bearing your authentic self, Christmas is about trying to assimilate into a greater family unit. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m sure some people find joy in that. I just wish there was more to it. Maybe my issue is that I just wish I was that happy.
What’s bizarre is that it’s the week directly following Christmas that I find the most peaceful and enjoyable. Everything has finished and we’re just reflecting on what the year has meant to us. I know some have called it depressing, but to me, it’s a chance to breathe and relax. There’s no pressure to deliver something grand. All you have to do is take some time for yourself before New Year’s Eve swallows us whole. There’s something about that time that feels magic to me. It could just be the writer in me that sees every year as a chapter, where December 31st is the final moment. They’re rarely that meaningful, but I do love what it symbolizes. I’ve even gotten into the habit of walking into my backyard and watching the fireworks. It’s maybe the only time of year that I like them. I don’t know why. It’s just nice.
But that’s thinking too far ahead. Right now I need to slow down and get ready for Thanksgiving. I have to hope that CSULB is still in a volleyball tournament that I’m not sure they stand a chance of winning. There’s a decent sum of November still to go. I still got to see how Napoleon (2023) ends up. Anyway, hope your life is good. Take care.
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