Goodbye 2023

When preparing to write my annual crescendo, I did something different. I reread last year’s entry to see if anything has mentally changed in that time. As I progress through life, I fear finding a certain stagnation overcoming the way that I see the world. If anything, I only want to expand my outlook and have each year be more eclectic than the last. It’s difficult because this is one of those years where I genuinely struggled with feeling “old.” Even at 34, I’m realizing that my youth is quickly fading. As much as youth is just a construct, it’s difficult to shake the fact that I am about to enter my Mid-30s. At 37, I will be closer to my adulthood than my high school years. It’s not the worst thing to fear, but it’s the recognition of so much fading away.

How do you find ways to remain relevant in a society that caters to youth? If you’ve read a lot of my work, I think it’s evident that I don’t have Top 40 aspirations. I’m closer to the Andre 3000 route of taking risks and just making art that royally confuses people. With that said, his clarity and acceptance of life are provocative, and I’m happy that he’s making the art that fuels his soul. I like to think in my own way that I am as well. Even then, my struggle to create entertainment that’s more Joe Swanberg than Steven Spielberg means I’m self-aware of my limitations of creating something “lucrative.” This is the art I hope defines me when I pass, but how will it impact my immediate financial security?

Maybe that’s the greater revelation. In doing all of this introspection, I’m asking myself where this chapter of life is ending. In theory, there were several bookmarks throughout the year that symbolized turning points. In July, I completed my educational history with a B.A. from CSULB and a 3.6 GPA. Even as I walked to a Creative Writing workshop twice a week, I was self-conscious about crafting stories that were “accessible.” I didn’t want to appear too Millennial because even if English is a field notorious for self-expression, having people be isolated during critiques by details concerned me. To me, university was a fantastic experience that I’m grateful to have had, but I also felt like I was much too slow since everyone was at least seven years younger.

The other chapters were an amalgamation of ideas that come with transitioning from 33 to 34. Given that I turned 30 in 2019, the self-awareness of spending this formative decade of my life entrenched in a pandemic has messed with my head. I’m in a period where I should have substance, but all I can recall is a two year period of severe depression and regressive social skills. The rest has been efforts to climb out and achieve my best life. As my piece, “Goodbye 2022,” would suggest… I am finally getting to live my best life. I apparently started this year on a happy note despite a terrible COVID-19 case that blurred with a weakened immune system that made the subsequent three months of rain unbearable. As this year ends, I’m reminded of the west coast being overwhelmed by waves larger than anything we’ve seen in a long time. It’s been a very wet period.

There’s a difficulty in really assessing where my life has taken me because I am still far off the mark. I don’t have a stable job just yet. While I am fine-tuning skills to hopefully move me into editing and proofreading careers, my desire is to find something more stable for the time being so that I can save a small nest for the future. 2024 isn’t planned as a “big year” for me, but 2025 is the hypothetical finish line. If I can do it right, I may be sitting somewhere in Oregon by the time I say, “Goodbye 2025.” It will be one of the first goals that officially says that I did it. I have survived post-grad life and in this small way thrived.

It's a far cry from even where I was in May. The reality is that I had no idea where I would be by the end of the year. There was a paralyzing fear that resulted in me experiencing existential dread in my final semester. The idea of a period that was nearly three decades in the making coming to an end was unreal. The reality is that the ideas didn’t come immediately. I had to think about what gifts I had as a writer to offer people in the hopes that I could avoid the low-end jobs that have left a sour taste in my mouth. I’m sure the millions who work in retail will know what I say when I mention that it’s an exhausting sometimes unfulfilling way to make a wage. I respect everyone who must do it, but it’s not my favorite.

At the same time, the months since July have been some of the most cathartic periods I’ve had in my adult life. There was a part of me that felt shackled to the need to put aside childish things in my early 20s, and as a result, I wasn’t rewarding myself. I could window shop all I wanted, but certain things were restricted from me. The feeling would pass, and soon I’d go to bed with that emptiness. It wasn’t until I approached my late 20s that suddenly I had people giving me rewards out of kindness and it made me realize the value of life’s small pleasures. What was so wrong with being occasionally impulsive and happy? I was finally allowed to feel alive.

It's been especially true over the past four years. When everything was removed out of necessity in 2020, I found myself unable to cope. As the world opened back up, I pushed myself to be more willing to embrace my joys. For all of the pitfalls of 2023, I am happy to report that this is the year where suddenly I was given a lot of opportunities to embrace what was around me. I’ve reached December and must admit that, yes, this has been an amazing year. I’ve done things and gone places that I haven’t done in decades. I’m allowing myself to consider that the world is bigger than I have seen it in a long, long time. I’ve been to baseball games. I’ve driven to Las Vegas, NV for the first time since I was a preteen. On a smaller scale, I even visited Long Beach’s beloved record shop Fingerprints. Each one has brought with it memories and, more importantly, given me things to consider for the future.

The reality is that even as I’ve done all these things, I have maybe had an “unproductive” period. Following graduation, I don’t think that I built from the momentum of a work ethic well enough to jump into the next phase of life. Even if I spent a few days with family in Big Bear, CA to destress, there was still plenty of time to grow into something bigger. So… where are the receipts?

The fact is that I still don’t know. As I reached the end of the year, I am of mixed emotions in part because I still don’t know where I’m going to be at the end of 2024. This is the most uncertain period I’ve had since I was 25. I could be working the best job in the world, or I could still be struggling. I pray for the former. As someone who recognizes the freedom of choice means that I have the freedom to push forward effort, it’s possible to be further along than I could ever dream. I just have to try. 

But on a personal level, I have so much going for me that is encouraging. In an effort to move beyond the sadness of years passed, I have been putting more effort into processing my life and understanding what everything means. As dumb as it sounds, this is a year where I’ve managed to find more dimensions to traumatic events that I had written off as completely bad. Realizing the nuances of the situations has allowed me to be surprised and relieved in some sense by emotions I had taken for granted. They still hurt and have shaped me, but the recognition of where certain motivations come from has allowed me to progress and see my own life in more rational terms. 

This isn’t to say that I don’t still suffer from certain struggles. The most evident is the fear of growing old and fading into irrelevance. Maybe it’s because of how I perceived the death of my grandparents, but the fear of becoming a burden overwhelms me. I must make the most of my time and let those around me know that I love them. Not every day is perfect, but every chance I get to leave a positive impression on others fills me with hope. I write to document my life and my interests in a way that I hope connects me to a bigger world, maybe even find like-minded people and not feel alone in my goofy worldview. Maybe it’s alarmist to think about the fragility of life so much, but it helps me to strive.

I do it in spite of the personal issues that I continue to feel on a very insular level. There’s a certain level of dysmorphia that overwhelmed me when The Whale (2022) came out and turned me into Captain Ahab. Trying to survive another movie of a guy being miserable in a fat suit (that won Oscars) bothered me on such a level that impacted my eating habits for the first half of the year. In reality, I am in some of the best health I’ve been in my adult life, but not ever being “conventionally attractive” eats at me still. Even then, the reality that I have dropped six sizes over the past five years is an incredible achievement. Like reading “Goodbye 2022,” I think I need to look backward so that I can feel good about the future.

I’ve taken pride in how I dressed. I’ve done way more thrift shopping than usual. I’ve bought more colorful clothes (including a hot pink polo) and found my self-esteem improved by more form-fitting clothes. Given that I rarely bought jeans regularly, I considered my old pair “clown pants” for how much room there was flying around in my pant leg. In a strange series of events, I’ve even managed to quadruple my pair of shoes from one to four. As silly as it sounds, having variety does make going out a lot more fun.

There are other things on a personal level that I struggle with. Privately, I think growing older is difficult because I want someone to be vulnerable with. I wonder if I will find someone who will love me and reassure my whims. It’s difficult to take risks at my age because I know what failure looks like. If you don’t have a cheerleader, there’s no enthusiasm to try as hard. I’m surprised by how much I do on an annual basis which is mostly driven by me wanting to find “that audience.” It’s something I’m sure a lot of us want, and I don’t think it’s irrational to fantasize about that moment everything clicks, where suddenly they’re dipping you in their arms and giving a kiss underneath fireworks. My heart will race while being surprised at how well I’m being protected from falling. Their face will be beautiful, sincere, eyes glowing. They’re able to look past my flaws and notice someone who is just trying. In return, I hope I can love them in the ways they want.

Maybe I’m not aspirational in the romantic comedy way. There’s no consistent effort to try. Then again, I do it like a rom-com in that I try to not anticipate the meet-cute. It will happen randomly, and I just have to be ready. Over the past year, I’ve tried to ponder what I look for in a person, and it’s difficult. 

I think it’s because for as much as I long to see their best selves, I also have to recognize that I’m still looking for mine. My mentality has, unfortunately, been this way since I was a teenager where I didn’t feel worthy of love until, as Wet Leg would say, “I went to school and I got the Big D.” That ended up taking until I was 34. So much of life has passed. If you go on the notion of wanting to have affluence, I’m further off from being the power player that my teenage self envisioned. When will love be a thing if I haven’t met this illogical binary?

I suppose this comes as a tangent to the greater story, but at the same time, 2023 has been a year of deep introspection of where I want to go as an adult. On the one hand, I am still doing some amazing work as a writer. I’ve written 500+ pages of a new novel. I’ve published a lot of articles on The Memory Tourist that push my style in new directions. I’m still challenging myself and have thankfully found friends willing to humor me. As I get glimpses of a bigger world more and more, I recognize a motivation blossoming that hasn’t been there in years. It’s not only the one that wants some stability but the opportunity to roam. Allow me to indulge on Lana Del Rey tickets (which I’m sure are currently out of my price range) when they become a thing. Let me live a little.

There’s the reality of living in a world that feels at times suffocating. There are multiple wars globally that have consumed regular news coverage. At home, there’s been endless bigotry that includes a transgender genocide that’s led to the death of Brianna Ghey and the suicide of Mayor Copeland. Target’s Pride Month received bomb threats. Groups are actively trying to limit rights and restrict literature. It’s a cruel world and it makes me more relieved that we have great perspectives leading the fight. I for one owe a lot of afternoons listening to Gender Reveal for a little bit of comfort. I look at Spider-Gwen in Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023) and am thrilled at the potential for a trans-coded hero to save the day. Seeing Hari Neff and Hunter Schafer in major blockbusters is also encouraging. There is a lot that makes me think among the regression are steps forward. It just takes a lot to lift a foot above that level of muck.

Most of all, I think that for everything good and bad in 2023, I am still here. Not only that, but I don’t actively believe that my life is getting worse. I have hope that the year will start and my dreams will follow. Even on that scale, I had so many smaller goals that I hadn’t even planned this time last year. These things have replaced my educational ones. The major difference is that my pathway isn’t as much of a straight line as those were. I’m going to have to use more of my cunning skills to get by.

I know that this was meandering and nearly a thousand words longer than last year’s, but this year has been a lot. It’s been amazing, it’s been disappointing, but it’s also been a strong reminder that I don’t want my life to exist in stasis. Not yet, anyway. What I want is to try, try, try. Having built the skills to endure a difficult time, I am now sure that 2024 can bring on new challenges and place me in situations that reveal new things. One can hope it all falls into place. Otherwise, who’s to say that I haven’t at least tried. 

Thank you to everyone who has been with me on the pathway of 2023. It’s been a rough one, but it has also been enlightening. I can only hope that if I return to read this in a year’s time (if so, R.I.P. future me) that a lot of things will have worked out. It’s going to be an election year, and one that’s overwhelming and hopefully not disappointing. So much will change whether I like it or not. I just have to find my place within that architecture.