As I write this, Southern California’s version of February is ending on a bit of a mixed bag. If you took a picture of the sky today, you’d never guess that we’re coming off a brief run of rain. While that doesn’t seem like much, just know that we’re only a few weeks out from a historic downpour. It’s been so bad that the national news has been reporting on areas flooding. There are hill slides and an endless array of damage. For those who are curious, I am fine. Even if Long Beach is an oceanside city, I live in an area of town that hasn’t been hit too terribly. As we got Los Angeles mayor Karen Bass on the news providing regular updates, I have to say I’m relieved it hasn’t been worse – even if there’s speculation that the highly saturated ground has caused an earthquake or two.
On the flip side, February has also been a miserable time as a byproduct of rainy weather. In 2022, I caught COVID-19 twice in the span of three months. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if I’ve had any long-term impact, and I think the only real change is that my immune system is weakened. As science would suggest, I’m not actually allergic to rain, but it does heighten certain allergic responses to my environment. I spent last week very congested and have slowly been returning to “healthy” with every day being slightly better than the previous. I shouldn’t say I’m miserable in the classical sense of the phrase, but having to mind my space and have a tissue ready to go at a moment’s notice is not fun. Then again, it could be worse. I took a test and at least it’s not Coronavirus.
Here's hoping that as California continues to travel through this rainy period I don’t keep getting caught in a cycle of difficult breathing. I’ve found small remedies, but because of COVID-19, periods of heavy rain fill me with dread. I’m not saying I’m against it in principle. Having lived through the Mid-2010s, I’m aware of how terribly a drought can impact the climate. However, I need to find better ways to compensate.
But that’s not how I want to remember February 2024. I think there were a lot of great things that happened over the past few weeks. For starters, I remain a fan of Valentine’s Day less because it’s the one day where I feel “seen,” and more because it’s one of the least manufactured holidays among the heavyweight classics. I love you Halloween, but it can be tedious to deal with spooky ookies on a daily basis. Given your weird tiff with Christmas, some years make October feel tedious. Maybe it’s because February by comparison feels like an island, but Valentine’s Day is special. Yes, it has its own iconography and a whole lot of it is cornball, but I think it’s one where you get to see more authentic self-expression. I think it stems from my desire to have somebody love me in that way. Some years I get self-conscious that I don’t have that type of lover because it makes me feel selfish and closed off when I want the complete opposite. I just don’t want to give it to “the wrong person.” There’s too much baggage around that to get into here.
But I don’t know. Valentine’s Day feels special to me. Even those ridiculous cards make me smile. One of my favorites is this poorly photoshopped picture of Allen Smailagic where it just says, “You make me Smailagic.” I’m also a fan of Conversation Hearts, which I think is partially because it was a comfort food I remember from childhood. Given that they’ve been on sale since December, I’ve had my fair share this year and am going to be sad when my stock is gone.
Do you know what else Valentine’s Day is often known for? There’s a weird niche of movies that usually open that day and very few of them are often romantic in nature. Among the patron saints is Dakota Johnson, who claimed her spot with Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) and returns with Madame Web (2024), which is being hailed as a cult classic. I’ve been curious to watch it because I am enjoying these off-beat Spider-Man films. Sure, it doesn’t look as bonkers as Venom (2018), but I’ll take anything that doesn’t feel limited by franchise mentality (or quality editing from what I’ve heard) these days. Who knows… maybe it’ll be the campiest movie since Cats (2019).
But in terms of movies I saw to celebrate this lovely season was the actual romantic comedy that studios put out. Lisa Frankenstein (2024) is the directorial debut of Zelda Williams and features a screenplay by my hero Diablo Cody. While I consider it one of her weakest, I love how it feels like throwing everything at a wall and seeing what sticks. It’s among her most playful works and does a good job of capturing the 80s b-movie pastiche it’s going for. All in all, I don’t know that it’s going to be the hidden gem that some are trying to sell it as, but I think meeting it on its terms will reveal how underserved the market for chaotic teen girl movies like this is. We rarely get characters this unpleasant and confusing. If nothing else, I do imagine there will be some rebound when Halloween comes around where its perverse sense of love makes more sense. Then again, I like Paradise (2013) so I am maybe overselling this one.
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| My personal ranking of the Best Picture nominees |
Other than that, I want to briefly talk about The Oscars. For the first time since 2019, I have seen every Best Picture nominee pre-ceremony. I am proud of that honor because this is one of my favorite line-ups since then. As you can see in other pieces I’ve written, a lot of these films are resonating with me and I admire how diverse the stories are. Even if nothing has yet to top Past Lives (2023) for me, I absolutely love The Zone of Interest (2023) and The Holdovers (2023), and think Sandra Huller has been one of the big standouts of the year. I love what she does in Anatomy of a Fall (2023) and the screenplay is deserving of some awards. I guess we’ll see where things go from here in a few weeks. With that said, Oppenheimer (2023) isn’t in my Top 5 nominees but I’m still happy that it’s a front-runner, if just because it’s another high point from Christopher Nolan who, broken record here, is usually great.
Even as I write this, I think there’s anticipation of shifting this more toward what March is going to look like. I’m seeing the coming attractions and want to fill things up on my calendar. If I look backward, I want to say that my January 2024 post had a similar mentality to it and it’s keeping me from living in the moment. There are still a few more days of February to go. Why not enjoy it and make your own memories?
I think it’s difficult because part of me is focused on trying to determine how I want 2024 to ultimately look. I need to start another chapter of life, and I’m not entirely sure how to do it yet. I keep looking, but I think something is paralyzing about realizing that I have so many options but don’t know how to access them. I guess I want some stability that will put everything else into place. Even as I talked about Valentine’s Day, I think I felt more self-conscious this year about feeling loved because I still sometimes feel there’s a monetary attachment to being valued. Am I using my resources properly? Maybe this is just a byproduct of it being rainy and feeling “enclosed.”
It's something that doesn’t fully make sense when you realize that I’ve been doing what I could to engage with the world. On top of going to the movies, I have been attending musicals and sporting events. I am excited to say that I was at a men’s volleyball game between CSULB and UCLA. Except for one game, Long Beach is on an amazing winning streak and stands to end the year at the top of the standings again. I can’t say the same for every team at the school, but it’s one of those games where you sit in the crowd and feel caught up in the emotional weight of watching your rivals lose. In a comic sense, I don’t like to watch UCLA because they’re often the school that dominates Long Beach. I don’t like watching my school lose. By some luck, Long Beach pulled off a win in four sets that I was convinced was going the other way for a long time. Then I realized that this is what I want out of volleyball, and it’s one of the few times I got a genuinely “dramatic” game between two of NCAA’s top four teams. Having a room booing UCLA on top of that is the piece de resistance.
Before I advance, I want to briefly touch on the fact that women’s volleyball coach Tyler Hildebrand has transferred to USC as an assistant coach. I’m going to miss him because he gave us a substantial boost. Nothing was more enjoyable last year than watching our team find their footing. Maybe it wasn’t enough to rank nationally alongside the men, but you believe that they have something special to offer.
On another tangent, baseball season has started and I’m curious to see where that goes. As I’ve discussed previously, I’m not necessarily a fan of the old bat and ball, but I want to see if I can get into the college-level stuff. I enjoyed the playoffs last year and am curious to see if visiting the local ballpark is going to unlock something. With that said, I do love that the first game I watched on ESPN+ found Long Beach tied with Washington in the bottom of the 17th inning. As they approached the fifth hour, they had to cut the game “short” because they needed to catch their flight. It’s a frustrating way to end things, but what a way to start a season. If you’re into baseball and want as much as possible, it’s the intensity and uncertainty you crave.
Another reason that I may be very confused about what I want out of life is that 2024 is shaping up to be yet another pivotal turning point in America. Every time I turn on the news, there are campaign ads for this and that. While I don’t know if things are necessarily going to be that bad in California, I do think we’re seeing the framework beginning to crack. As I talked about last year, the conservative-heavy Orange County voted to not fly pride flags in front of government buildings. Slowly censorship and suppression are bleeding into this liberal utopia. Even if it will take something more crucial to tear us apart, I think the pushback is there. It sucks that we’re seeing such a decrease in compassion across the board.
It's hard not to feel like 2024 is going to be a difficult year to get through. On the surface, you could complain that the front runners for president are both old. You could question their mental faculties, but I think it goes beyond that. I think it just symbolizes the difficulty of an older generation letting go of power and believing that they have the answers. Why are we afraid of younger ideologies? I’m not talking about teenagers, but even somebody in their 50s could have a valuable view of the world that you don’t have in your 80s. There feels like an absence of torch passing here, and it’s disconcerting that we’re stuck with neutral good and chaotic evil as our only votes. Are we going to get change? I hope so, but I’m not fully sold on Joe Biden as a “savior” and more a “moderator” to an opponent who won’t let him sit at their table. It’s ridiculous. Nobody wants to do anything because they’d rather wait for a president who will let them sit in his lap. How is this any different than Nixon expanding the Vietnam War just so it helps his election?
I think it’s telling that a recent caucus found Republicans voting “None of the candidates” over who was being offered. In any other year, we’d still be working through a handful of names looking for the one that speaks to us. Instead, it already feels like defeat. I haven’t actually found enthusiasm in an election since 2016 for obvious reasons. This one feels worse because it feels like we’re waiting for some inevitable and I don’t know which side that is. We’re either getting the “moderator” for another four years of questionable wheel spinning or someone who will dismantle this country whole. How is it we’re aware of this and nothing can be done? It feels like we’re driving a car off a cliff when the brakes are right there. Tell me, what are we doing?
I guess it bothers me because we’re in a spiral of hatred that has only gotten worse over the past few years. So much legislation is working against how I was taught to view America. It was a melting pot where everyone could come to live out their dreams. It has never felt scarier to imagine anyone outside of the white cis male achieving that. The southern border is a nightmare. The transgender genocide continues as a lot of states ban rights. There are a lot of wonderful people who are fighting for justice, but it’s not stopping the bleakness from happening. Reading about a non-binary teen named Nex Benedict being assaulted by their peers is horrifying. Given that the school was trying to revoke them of their identity, it shows how unwilling we are to let queer people simply exist. I’ve read a ton of tangents in the past few days where it’s trans and non-binary people saying that what they want when they’re older is to be alive. It’s tragic that they can’t feel like that’s guaranteed and arguably even less so than five years ago.
I guess a subtext to this whole piece is that I don’t know what I can do. I’m trying to find my own road forward, but what can I do to not feel guilty? There’s this notion that if you’re not actively protecting people, you are complicit in their downfall. For as much as I’ve tried to promote LGBTQIA+ people who do great things, I do feel like I’m not that outspoken. I just support people, and I wonder… is that enough? If I don’t comment on the woman opening the lesbian bar that refuses to serve trans women, am I complicit? What do I even do when my resources are so limited, and my words are superfluous?
I don’t know… I will say that I randomly decided to revisit TikTok for the first time in months. There’s this woman named Charlie that I’ve watched transition over the years and she’s doing great. I get hope from small things like that. While a lot of the people who used to comfort me have gone on to bigger and better things (notably Erin Reed), I am surprised by who shows up. I randomly stumbled across Dylan Mulvaney giving her Valentine’s Day words of wisdom that strangely made me feel better about the loneliness I was feeling at that time. Maybe that’s what I could do… try to be supportive.
I apologize if this feels like this post was derailed by some downer talk. I am never sure how to place this section in my post. Generally, I put it towards the front and always feel like it creates a dour sensibility. Here, I feel like it’s there in the subtext of everything I did in February. Maybe it’s the rainy weather that’s made me more prone to melancholic thought, but I feel the need to address it because I do know that November is going to be a scary month. Beyond any “controversy” that arises from either (or, hopefully, we can change it to any), it’s the reality that this will determine the next four years of our lives. It used to fill me with joy. Right now, all I see is Texas exporting immigrants to other states to avoid finding a solution to a bigger problem. I see it also in the mass shootings that have surpassed the daily count for 2024. When will legislation reflect the times? What are we doing with this country?
Again, I think some amazing people are actually fighting to try and make the world a better place, but will we actually see it?
I think I need to start pulling out of this ruminating and conclude on a more optimistic note. For what it’s worth, I have listened to an OBCR that has given me some hope. How to Dance in Ohio may not be the most original story, but I am a fan. It’s the story of autistic teenagers getting to attend a dance. The hook is that they’re played by actually autistic actors. Given the amount of talk I’ve heard since Music (2021) around “not about us without us,” it’s reassuring to see this show existing alongside the flashier musicals. I personally love the songs that are less plot-driven and give us insight into how autistic teens think and interact. Those are the songs that I think will be added to my playlist in the months ahead.
Sadly, the show has closed on Broadway already. I fear that it means Tony chances are very limited. However, my hope is something of note comes from this production. I’ve followed some crew members on TikTok and have enjoyed seeing them talk about their process. There’s apparently a pro-shot in the works, so hopefully that preserves what I think is a special story. All in all, I want to believe that autistic stories continue to feel more and more authentic as we continue because we are deserving of that perspective. I think everyone is.
Though speaking of, I am happy to announce that I’ve gotten an e-mail from Kickstarter saying that Dear Luke Love Me is finally done and will be making a premiere at a film festival in the month ahead. I remain hopeful of where this movie goes as a film about asexuality. I still remember attending a preview Zoom meeting years ago and feeling overwhelmed with joy to hear people talk about ace culture with such welcoming language. No matter what, this movie feels special because of what it symbolized on my journey, and I can only hope it is met with a positive reputation. If nothing else, it has LGBTQIA+ crew members producing it, so that already adds some level of authenticity.
I’m also happy to say that Sort Of has ended its run on an excellent note. It’s a small show that I don’t think really garnered the attention I think it deserved, but it told a unique story that I really enjoyed following. Bilal Baig had a fantastic vision and reflected the cross-section between being non-binary and trying to find a comfortable middle with their parents. In the third season, there was talk about starting HRT and transitioning, though I think the show was too short to fully give it proper attention. Still, I love the idea of exploring those complicated emotions and how the legal system creates roadblocks. It sort of reminds me of the autism test and Everything’s Gonna Be Okay where it felt like they rushed through it as an afterthought. Sort Of had much more on its mind than medical jargon, so I’m not as mad. Still, it paints such a wonderful character that I’m glad exists on Max. I am excited to see where Baig’s career goes from here.
Besides that, I want to end by saying that I’m doing okay for the most part. I realize that the recent posts have been a bit diatribe heavy and I worry it’s maybe unfocused. However, I am maintaining a healthy sense of optimism about where my life can go from here. I am trying to stay productive and put one step in front of the next. I’m not fully successful, but I have to realize that change doesn’t happen overnight.
Right now, I look outside and am grateful that the rain has passed. I can walk out into the world and breathe fresh air. My body recovered from congestion, so imagine what else it can do. One awkward fact that I must admit is that my lawn mower broke down and I spent weeks trying to fix it. Given that it’s 30+ years old, it’s not all that unexpected. Still, I tried and it’s caused my lawn to grow shaggy. Along with the rain, it’s looking worse for wear. Luckily, I am happy to announce that with the help of family members, I have acquired a new lawn mower and will be whacking away at the yard in the days ahead. Soon it will look the nicest it has all year. I’ll be able to look out and not see overgrown weeds.
That seems beautiful. I guess I end with that because I think it’s a good metaphor for where I’m at. Some things have maybe gotten out of hand, but I still have the power to control and find solutions. Not everything will lead to a satisfying conclusion, but if you stick with it, something will emerge. Hopefully, I see this one accomplishment as a chance to do many more.
I don’t know what March is going to look like, but I’m curious to see if it goes better than February much like how it did compared to January. There will be Oscars. On the day this is published, I am greatly anticipating Drive-Away Dolls (2024) as a potential feel-good gem. I have been watching Margaret Qualley on The Leftovers, so I’m at a high with her right now. I’m a bit iffy on solo Ethan Coen (you’d feel the same way if you saw A Play Is A Poem), but it’s nice to have this offbeat film to make life a little better. Who knows what else will happen. Sadly, next week marks the end of The Floor, so Tuesdays will feel a little empty, but that only gives me a chance to find something else to fill that time.
Whatever it ends up being, I can imagine that it will be a good time. For as much as I feel like I could be doing more to make 2024 more meaningful, I’m doing more than I think. That’s the whole point of these exercises. I need to write so I can appreciate where life has taken me. Fingers crossed it continues to go in a direction that’s fruitful and provides more rays of sunshine than I think they will. If nothing else, the new Caroline Polachek cuts are giving me some joy. Time to see what else is capable of achieving a similar level of bliss.
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