Take this however you want, but October is the month that has felt most lived in for me in at least half a year. This isn’t to suggest that it’s the most eventful or had the highest peaks. If anything, July had some amazing memories (Ben Platt!). However, in the midst of a lingering sadness that hung over the past four months, October is the first month where it has subsided enough for me to feel cognizant in the moment. Maybe it’s just that The Fall feels more conclusive than the other seasons. As someone who views a year narratively, we’re entering the call to action before whatever grand victory occurs. It could also just be that I’m finally out of that post-depression phase where I’m happy enough to appreciate life again.
I’m not going to pretend that 2024 hasn’t been a dark year for me. There’s been a lot that’s kept me from feeling optimistic about the future. Even this past week, I watched a YouTube video by Elliot Sang about how “Gen-Z Deserves Better” and found myself agreeing. For as much as I want a better future for me, I think of Gen-Z and Gen Alpha and how they’ve mostly known a Post-9/11 America that’s been one disaster after another. My nieces weren’t conscious in a time before Covid-19, and they are set to inherit a world where the arrogance of older generations doesn’t give them the same opportunities they did. It’s there in the cost of living being too high. The land is destroyed and the industries that I loitered in front of (because third spaces ARE important) are gone in favor of some futuristic hellhole. I don’t know what kids do these days, but it doesn’t feel “organic.” Even learning that concerts and sporting events are doomed to skyrocketing prices, I have to ask… what ARE we going to have in 10 years that people care about?
A comment that’s stuck with from that video is from a Gen-Z individual who suggested they knew a lot of people with failing health caused from stress, environment, and processed food. I won’t consider myself an expert on these subjects, but I sympathize. As someone who suffered an anxiety attack in July that lead to two weeks of digestive issues, I can imagine it feels worse when that’s how you see the world. Whereas I’ve lived through the 90s and saw an economy that sought prosperity, these individuals knew nothing but. It’s pretty dystopian and my heart goes out for them. Maybe I am just a sucker for a manufactured comment, but I have to believe that the melodrama of Euphoria isn’t lying to me by THAT much.
I say all this in part to acknowledge that October hasn’t been a terribly spooky season for me. While I have done my part to watch horror films, part of me has felt distracted by the waning days of The American Presidential Election. There is part of me that has optimism that this time will be when things work out. I will get to November 6 and things will look better. It’s doubtful, especially in an election cycle that follows one which ended in a terrorist attack, but I want to desperately end this era of bigotry. There is something disconcerting about seeing an election this close where one party promotes hatred and exclusion. I hate seeing a country that’s built on the motto “Give me your tired, your weak, your huddled masses,” that I was taught as a child was The Land of Compromise, give into fear mongering. I understand it has always been there, but not to the extent that it currently has been. In a more just society, we’d have picked a different party (even within Republican jurisdictions) that supported “family values” that reflect an era that’s more nuclear and mixed. We’re more global than ever and I think this shrinking the idea of what it takes to be American is offensive. That’s not freedom. That’s the kind of shit that makes it hard to want to fight because it will mean that the system our founding fathers drafted has clearly failed the citizens.
The good news coming out of this is that I have voted. There is some sweet relief in not having to worry about looking through the booklets and looking up facts anymore. What has been done is done and my hope is that I receive an e-mail soon confirming that my vote has been counted. I think the best part is feeling that naïve optimism that my vote will matter and we will have a more welcoming America. However, I recognize as a Californian that it’s hard for a blue vote to matter when popular votes mean less than electoral. Unless some fresh hell warms over, California will be blue on November 5. I’ll be part of it.
If there was one detail that caught me off guard on the ballot, it was Proposition 3. The gist is that California’s constitution still has language reminiscent from the Prop 8 ruling in 2008 that suggested marriage was between a man and woman. While gay marriage was legalized in 2015, my state never updated the language and as a result would be at risk if the federal government outlaws it in the near future. Part of me was initially concerned that something more drastic was happening, but I guess this is just protocol. The amusing fact about this is that our current governor, Gavin Newsom, was mayor of San Francisco in 2008 and was encouraging people to come to the city to get married. I have no doubt that it will pass, but at the same time I felt some dread over the subtext if it doesn’t.
While I understand that many states have it worse than California in terms of liberal expression, there has been a lot of concerning signs that have popped up over the past two years. Orange County has outlawed flying pride flags in front of government buildings. A county rioted when the school board acknowledged June as Pride Month. Another school board protested textbooks that mentioned Harvey Milk as a footnote in a section about activists. There was even an ally who was murdered at her place of business. Add in the canary in the coalmine that is Target’s Pride Merch suggesting a declining interest in rainbow capitalism, and even California is not above censorship. While I do believe that Long Beach in particular has been a very welcoming city, I do worry that Prop 3 not passing will suggest that the state I’ve called home for most of my life is not as friendly as I thought.
In lighter news, I was amused that Robert F. Kennedy is still on the ballot. It took 55 years, but that name has made it to Election Day. Unfortunately, it’s for somebody who doesn’t have much reason to be in office. I’m not even sure he’s actively running anymore.
I’m hoping things go well on Election Day because I can’t take this anymore. As the past eight years have gone on, I’ve found more comfort in the LGBTQIA+ community and recognized their struggles more clearly. I am especially bothered by the ongoing threat of transgender genocides that will ramp up provided people involved with Project 2025 get anywhere near The Oval Office. I’m scared for an America where the system doesn’t work and the “justice for all” means nothing unless you’re a white guy who’s had his fair share of prostate exams. What country are you leaving behind for the rest of us? I don’t want to lose my trans friends. They’re some of the most insightful, compassionate people I have ever met and deserve a better system than to be demonized. I suppose that’s true for everybody else, but I do genuinely worry for them especially.
As I wipe sweat off my brow, I guess that I must apologize for front-loading this with election talk. It’s been hard to ignore and it’s upsetting me that this hasn’t felt like more of a runaway. It does say a lot about what this country wants to be. Given that every voter this year has lived with some level of cognizance through the disastrous 2016 election, I don’t understand how you don’t course-correct your mistake. Even if you believed your vote was right then, how do you not see the division and destruction caused in the years since and not think that this guy is no good? For as much as I want to laugh at Mindy Kaling going up on The DNC and saying “Kamala is Brat!” I mostly cringe because it feels like a desperate distraction. Never mind that I don’t love that album (the remix one is pretty good though), but it does tie into a fact Ethel Cain made recently that a lot of people are drowning in irony and don’t know when to stop. Not everything deserves to be a joke. I’d argue politics should be much more boring and less about trending TikTok videos. It’s cool if you use Twitter to rally up interest in stump speeches or whatever, but we don’t need to teach any congressman how to Dougie for the youth vote.
I promise that this isn’t the only thing that has been on my mind since October began. It’s difficult because it’s arguably the thing that will most impact the next four years of our lives. In fact, the chance to break the previous two cycles of post-election fraud claims thrills me.
As I’ve done during most election cycles, I have been watching a lot of politically-based fiction in order to get in the spirit. My larger conversation feels relevant to two works in particular. I watched the series Tanner ’88 in part because I caught California Split (1974) recently and remembered that I loved Robert Altman’s naturalism (also, Elliot Gould is great?). It’s telling that it’s the one show that I’ve freebased this past month while I snail’s pace my way through more contemporary works. What I love was the feeling of immersion into an era of politics that felt more gentlemanly. It’s the same kind of optimism that the recent Girls on the Bus had, but I’d argue Tanner ’88 felt more organic because it was pseudofiction that reflected the process of a candidate you knew would lose but had all the hope that their place in the larger democratic system would be appreciated. I loved the ensemble and felt that the underdog docudrama approach felt reminiscent of The War Room (1994) where you tear apart the façade of the larger than life candidate and show someone with a vision who is real.
I was also a fan of Wag the Dog (1998), which I feel most consider as an ominous warning of the future to come. While I can see those throughlines and the accuracy is upsetting, I do think acknowledging that it was a hyperbolic version of regular candidate behavior for the 30 years prior (there was a 1960s ad that suggested voting for Hubert Humphrey would trigger nuclear war), it does take some of the sting away. Even then in an age where media and politics feel hand in hand, I get why this remains a masterpiece. Dustin Hoffman and Robert De Niro are in top form and I find the commentary powerful because it proves modern bigotry isn’t new. It just got too comfortable. At the same time, the Jim Belushi joke reminds me of how The Ukrainian War was when I found out that Mila Kunis was Ukrainian. Not a big deal, but that does happen.
But anyway, onto Halloween. I was driving around at the start of the month and I was surprised to learn that Long Beach has entered the Spirit Store business. Part of me is curious to go into one and see what they’re about even though I’m also not one to dress up. I will say that 2023 was about as big as things got because I bought a Jason Vorhees mask from the local Rite Aid. Don’t expect anything grander from me. I’ve enjoyed driving around and seeing ghosts and skeletons everywhere. The spookiness is a nice change of atmosphere and I think has more charm than Christmas’ more polished vision.
While I may not be outgoing with my décor, I have been finding some awesome cinema to pass the time. I’ll start by saying that… I may be a fan of giallo now? This Fall has been a very Italian heavy era for me, but I have been digging into a lot of Criterion Channel’s selections for giallo that includes your typical picks.
Of those picks, I have discovered that I may be in love with Mario Bava. I started with Blood and Black Lace (1964) in part because Verilybitchie referenced it in one of her videos and it has intrigued me ever since. The first immediate thing you notice is the vivid color pallet that illuminates even the darkest of scenes. A Letterboxd review jokes that it invented colors they had never seen before and I wouldn’t reject that. It’s such a lush and thrilling movie to look at and I appreciate that every actor in it is a bit too beautiful. There is that subversion of horror to be found among the fashion-conscious types who wander backstage. Some of the camerawork is next-level ingenious, especially how a tracking shot manages to incorporate ongoing conflicts in several dressing rooms. I also am in awe of Black Sunday (1960) which has some amazing cinematography that feels reminiscent of Universal Horror but with more of an erotic and frenetic mentality. For as wooden as the acting sometimes is, both of these movies have been high on my discovery list this year. I’ve loved being immersed in them and appreciate horror that is not afraid to be pretty while also being melodramatic and strange.
Beyond that, I want to touch on The Substance (2024). Depending on what side of Twitter you are on, it has been the talking point of the past two months. After a few weeks of hearing people go on and on about how brilliant it was, I finally checked it out on the grounds that Margaret Qualley has been having a fantastic run of movies as of late. She has quickly become someone I’m eager to see in anything, and I wanted to believe that this would be the piece de resistance. Maybe I wouldn’t love it as much as Sanctuary (2023) but I’m always down.
To provide some context, I am an insecure person. I was an obese child and that sort of existence convinces people to treat you a certain way. While I have done a lot to be more healthy, there’s still that push to be more in shape and achieve an attractiveness that I don’t think I could. For starters, I have to wonder what achieving that after 35 could even mean because it does feel like beauty standards are for the young. There is the sense that I’ve wasted my best years on looking unattractive and I’ll die alone. No amount of torment will change that, and yet I keep trying in hope that something will. One day I’ll look how I want, but when will that be?
Which is all to say that The Substance at its best hit me like a ton of bricks. This feeling of being ostracized from society because you’re older and not capable of the ideal form spoke to me. Even if I never had the struggles that Demi Moore has in the film, there’s still that desire to achieve something that is gone. You want to be treated “normally,” and it results in an initially promising gambit that ends up eating your soul. I saw Hari Neff compare this to “The Picture of Dorian Gray,” and I would say that’s accurate. I also think Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is a good talking point given the duality of the character. There are moments involving food where I was convulsing and crying in the theater because it got too uncomfortable for me. It’s strange to say that about any film, but The Substance found a way to attack me at my core, and I loved that feeling.
It should be noted that for as much as I love The Substance in its early going, we must acknowledge that it subscribes to the school of French Extremism and the metaphor must be very loud and vulgar. I think it works in that context, but as you can guess body horror upsets me. I don’t enjoy it in large quantities, and the ending of this movie is shamelessly over the top. Maybe it’s because I was approaching it more as a tragedy than comedy at a point, but it sort of lost me by the end. I would’ve preferred something more subtle, but then again I don’t know if the metaphor could’ve ever been subtle. It’s a story about losing your identity to stay young, so the grotesque IS part of it. This isn’t a dishonest movie. It’s just a “not for me” movie. I will say that Qualley did a great job and my acknowledgment of this actually lead to my most viral post on Twitter ever. Doubt I’ll ever get 1.6 million views on anything again.
This is all to say that I’m hoping that this Halloween goes better than last year where I really got too much into my head. I saw beautiful people in costume and reached a point of self-loathing that caused me to hate my body all over again. I can’t say I’m ever mad at people who put in the work to look amazing. It’s more that I think I’m caught up in the conundrum of not feeling attractive. Everything from there gets a little too paradoxical on what I’m really responding to. I’m hoping the only thing that disappoints me this October is the declining quality of Uzumaki on a week-to-week basis (great premise, though).
Before I move away from movies altogether, I want to briefly mention that I was a big fan of The Wild Robot (2024) and would label it as one of Dreamworks’ absolute best. It feels like old school Disney and I think captures the heart and creativity that modern animation should have. The more that I learn about it, the more that I’m left in awe of what we’re seeing on screen.
In the realm of music, things have gotten interesting even as I’ve slowed down on regularly checking out new releases. I don’t feel that I’ve ran into as many masterpieces over October that I have in the past few months. Maybe it’s the planet’s way of telling me to wait for Tyler the Creator’s new work on the 28th. I want to start by highlighting Elucid’s “Revelator” which continues my dive into underground rap. I discovered Billy Woods and Armand Hammer last year following buzz around both of their albums, and it made me curious to check out “Revelator” which incorporated an even more experimental sound. I will say that I am in love with records challenging the nature of sonic potential right now, and it’s up there with the best of the year. Whereas I haven’t been as on board with the recent Jpegmafia, “Revelator” feels like it could grow on me. As someone who listed his previous album as my favorite of 2023, I also like Rahim C. Redcar’s “Hopecore,” which manages to mix angst with club beats in ambitious and operatic manners that I hope grow on me. Shoutout also to Machine Girl’s “MG Ultra.” I’ve been meaning to check them out since I heard that they opened for 100 Gecs, and it’s some wild stuff. Maybe not my favorite but, again, I’m digging the aggression and switch-ups that really gets you pumped.
If I had to suggest that two records were going to make it to my favorites of the year, I’d include Lin-Manuel Miranda’s “The Warriors” concept album that I’ll give its due respect in a future post. However, Orla Gartland is an Irish pop star that I wasn’t familiar with but found myself intrigued to visit because of her album cover. It is such a striking image and I think the music captures that so well. “Everybody Needs a Hero” is a record so full of raw honesty and personality that really connects with me. I think that “Backseat Driver” goes hard and I love the chorus so much, even as it enables me to give into negative thoughts.
In the world of sports, I will touch on everything that’s happened briefly. In The WNBA, The Liberty won The Finals for the first time in 28 years. I think it’s a big deal and I wrote a whole essay on it that I hope you enjoy. Overall, I think that 2024 has been a phenomenal year for women’s basketball and this is the perfect culmination for that message. I don’t know that I’ve seen a year this enjoyable before, where everybody was just on board and wanting to bet on the future of the game. I can’t wait to see where 2025 takes us and if The Golden State Valkyries will be a surprise upset.
On a more personal note, it’s NCAA women’s volleyball season. As someone who actively supports The Big West, it’s been a fun time to tune in every week and watch everybody prove their worth. I am, of course, rooting for Cal State Long Beach to pull ahead and continue their upswing. Even with a new coach, I think that the core of what made them great is still there. The early run has been very encouraging as they’ve barely lost any games and are putting in some excellent rallies along the way. At the time of publication, I will have attended CSULB vs. Cal Poly, which is my Game of the Year™ candidate. I’ve had an amazing time the past two years at this match-up and am hoping for another intense five-set burner. While I will be submitting this essay after said game, I will not be editing in the results. That you’ll have to do on your own.
Similarly, NCAA men’s basketball is ramping up and I’m curious to see how CSULB does with an entirely new line-up. I wasn’t a fan of the controversial decision to fire Dan Monson during March Madness, but I’m not going to hold it against the new guys. If anything, it would be cool to see them pull together a legacy of their own in the wake of arguably one of the best rosters the school has had in a long time. I also wish everyone who entered The Transfer Portal luck and I hope to see Aboubacar Traore hooping it up sometime this year.
Beyond this, I think that October has been an interesting month because there’s been a lot of questions around art. More than a few YouTubers that I follow have been keen on exploring Dead Internet Theory and whether the website is actively censoring them or if the algorithm is favoring brainrot. There’s no doubt that the content is suffering in recent years and I do feel like the queer community especially is suffering just to have their voices heard. Even then, it sucks to see this on so many websites because the one thing that made the internet fun was its diversity and potential to hear voices different from your own. It sucks that there’s a push to make everything follow certain patterns in order to get any success. That’s not individuality. That’s basically turning your passion into a digital McDonald’s. I respect those who still hustle, but it does feel like there’s been an increasing level of burnout in the past two months and I wish all of them luck on fighting it.
For me personally, October has been a nice month because I have been completing a lot of projects and getting ready for The Winter. I am preparing to start formatting my next novel in January and can’t wait to put the finishing touches on that. I also have a short story that explores the paranoia around Halloween and The Election being so close together that I hope resonates with people. Also, if you haven’t heard, I started a Patreon and am doing what I can to post two Failed Oscar Campaigns entries a month. Right now I have essays on Bardo (2022) and Armageddon Time (2022) up for you to enjoy. If I play my cards right, I will continue my “election coverage” theme and get something on Hillbilly Elegy (2022) up before next week is out. Hoping it’s picked up by the good terminators.
Other than that, I’m looking forward to whatever November has in store. There is, of course, Wicked (2024) which I’ll be defying gravity to see. I may even get the Lego set, I don’t know. I’m also getting WNBA Finals merch that should be here before too long. Maybe I’ll get to catch Anora (2024) in theaters or even the delightful conclusion that is Venom: The Last Dance (2024), but there are two things that I am very much looking forward to by the end of the month. For as much as October brought some wonderful surprises (notably seeing Waitress), I will be seeing two shows with some big names. The first is American Idiot starring Milo Manheim. As silly as it sounds, I’m not into D-COM’s, but the Zombies movies are a lot of fun and he’s the main draw for that. I’m also going to see Jason Alexander in Fiddler on the Roof, which means a lot to me because it’s a show that I haven’t seen in 16 years and is the musical that got me into live theater (I had been to a lot of shows before, but nothing that really resonated). Fun stuff.
Other than that, I am going to do my best to make the end of October as spooky and fun as I can. I’m working through Mike Flanagan’s series The Fall of the House of Usher and think it’s mostly fine. I don’t love it as much as The Haunting of Hill House (I also read Shirley Jackson’s book recently and loved it), but I do enjoy the idea of him making shows like this annually just to test the waters. I am surprised that I’ve gone through this whole month without watching American Horror Story, which used to be a pastime even in the seasons where it felt like complete disregard for plot. Maybe it’s there and I’m just not looking. Or is that what Grotesquerie is supposed to be?
Maybe I’ll go out and trick or treat with people this year. It’s hard to really say. Right now I think Tom Petty put it best and that waiting is the hardest part. I am less invested in festivities right now than seeing how the election wraps up. I’m praying that it’s going to be one that restores my faith in humanity. I live in Southern California, so I’m not in the worst state (literally), but I still want to believe enough people saw the signs and start pushing democracy back in the direction of positivity and hope for your fellow man. I hate this division. We need to learn to have civil discourse again.
So if you haven’t, I encourage you to do your part and vote. It would mean a lot to have every voice heard. I worked the 2016 election and discovered that it was decided on by only a quarter of the population. That’s bothersome. I don’t know what your politics are, but it’s important to do your part to shape the country you want and hope everyone else agrees.
I know that I ran long and probably spent too much time emphasizing politics over what I have been up to, but that’s how life feels right now. I hope those who were impacted by the hurricanes have found some refuge and path forward. I hope the wildfires of California haven’t dislocated people too much. There’s a lot going on right now and it’s hard to give everything the attention it deserves. For me, November 5 is a big day because I have been living with that fear and uncertainty most of the year. Even if I put a lot of faith in Kamala Harris because she was the one person I voted for in 2016 who I didn’t have remorse over, I want to know if everybody else does. Show me what you got.
I don’t have answers. I am low on this totem pole. However, I hope my vote makes a difference. I hope yours does too. If you live in more important states than mine, I hope it makes the difference between a good outcome and several years of oppressive bullies. Ideally, one would be a runaway favorite, but that’s just how things are sometimes. Fingers crossed that we get through the next month with blue skies on the horizon. Fingers crossed.
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