At the time of writing this, I am coming down from an anxiety attack that I had on Valentine’s Day weekend. For as much as I could emphasize everything else that has happened over the past few weeks, there’s no denying how much those few hours have really reshaped the past two weeks. If you had talked to me days before, there would be a chance that I was at a peaceful state, where everything was shaping up for a productive and eventful February. Nothing too out of the ordinary.
While I am finally returning to that state, there is something that has been difficult to overcome. When your mind spends those hours convincing you that you are alone and helpless, it’s hard to immediately shake the jitters. To put it simply, it has rippled throughout the weeks, stabbing me when I least suspect and forcing me to fixate on the negativity that I worked to process. It has been hard to not just give into temptation and let the voices win. They haven’t ruined my day, but the negotiations have lasted too long to get there. Valentine’s Day weekend marks my worst anxiety attack since August 2024, and one that I pray isn’t a sign of what’s to come.
That is why for everything going on in the world, a lot of what February became was about me having to step back and take care of myself. I needed those deep breaths and slow down to focus on emotions that were more productive. Whereas the anxiety attack filled me with conflict, shifting that attention to fulfillment has done a lot to center me. On the one hand, I could be reaching out for another opinion. Ultimately, I’d love to have someone like that in my life. For now, I’m stuck in the phase of trying to remember the self-worth by doing things that make me happy.
I know that in general I come into these columns with an overbearing level of critiques against new federal laws, but that’s not where my mind is right now. It’s true that I abhor everything that Elon Musk has done and that in itself has conflicted with lifelong American values. It’s a major reason I love The Brutalist (2024) as this allegory for The American Dream and that this country is built on the backs of immigrants and collaborative innovation. To see the modern discourse shift so far is upsetting. The only thing that bothers me more than the lack of humanity is how the nightly news has somehow found a new example of a plane crashing seemingly every other day. It’s disturbing to see planes upside down in Canada or barely dodging each other on the runway. I’m not sure what’s going on, but something needs to be fixed.
So in an effort to combat the rise of news that upsets me deeply, I have dedicated my evenings to solace on a menial scale. After digesting the news of the day, I turn the world off and put on a movie. In general, I have found mumblecore to be one of the most comforting genres. On top of being a formative genre when I was in my early 20s, it has evolved into a snapshot of another time. It feels like reliving your youth at this point, where it’s closer to cinema verite than the stylized alternative that requires too much production. There’s Greta Gerwig before all the Oscars talking to Amy Seimetz. There’s Alex Karpovsky (who is about to be 50!?) in Tiny Furniture (2010) calling himself The Nietzschean Cowboy.
There is something thrilling about watching these actors mold a world that seemed ideal at the time. In some ways, it seems more naïve in the way that The Obama Administration always seemed. There was this Mary Tyler Moore-type aspiration for a brighter future where you threw your hat in the air and knew it would come down safely. Knowing that we’re in a decade of the cultural shift into “fake news” and “flooding the zone” has been disheartening. It makes these movies feel tragic in a sense, if just because the gleam in the eyes probably vanished by 2017 (and has definitely by 2025). The world once seemed so full of possibility. Now the internet is uninhabitable. The person who runs Twitter took away USAID and promotes transphobic rhetoric. The hopes of Millennials as seen in mumblecore is not necessarily dead, but it does feel like the transition of power hasn’t been there even for Gen-X.
This is all to say that I encourage everyone to go out and watch some Andrew Bujalski movies. His most accessible work is Support the Girls (2018), though I encourage those who like more hangdog cinema to try Beeswax (2009), which is my personal favorite and has an endearing central cast. It may be a story that’s mostly about the legalities around running a small business, but you come to empathize with these characters and root for them on this very simple journey. If you want to go deeper, Funny Ha Ha (2002) is a hallmark of early mumblecore and Mutual Appreciation (2005) is one of the shaggier and downbeat comedies you could go with. There’s dozens of other films that I could include, but for now I thought that I’d share the cinema that has meant the most to me. Even though it’s technically not mumblecore, The King of Staten Island (2020) has the same mentality in a more mainstream box and is the reason I respect Pete Davidson, if just because the character reminds me of how I felt at 25. Finally, given that Mary Bronstein has a new Sundance movie coming out soon, I encourage you to see Yeast (2008), which is an early Gerwig movie that is plenty raw and unsettling in the best ways.
Along with putting on these movies, I have been taking up arts and crafts projects that force me to focus on things that aren’t built-in motor functions. My mother got me a monthly hobby kit for Christmas and this is my second month. The first was based off of wood carving, which went about as well as it did in Bad Santa (2003) and gave my left hand a new designer look. I’m self-deprecating right now. The bird I was supposed to carve kind of looks like a bird, but I’m Homer Simpson yelling, “Why doesn’t mine look like that!” when I compare it to this lush, textural picture that the user was supposed to aspire to. I couldn’t do the beaks. Sorry, guys.
This month was based around miniatures with the goal of designing a two-story coffee shop. On the surface, it’s nothing too strenuous. However, I quickly learned that I don’t have nimble fingers and glue is only good in moderation. The trial and error that came over the past 20 hours of building have gone from initially tantrum-throwing frustration to a slow revelation on how to overcome my issues. To put it simply, it’s far from perfect and looks even less like the sample picture. However, it has given me the anticipation to wind down and just work towards a larger goal. It won’t be apparent right away, or even by the end of the week, but something will come of all this work.
Deep down, I am very insecure about the idea that my projects aren’t meeting the benchmark. I’ve messed up more times than I care to count. However, I think the larger goal is to try and dig into instincts that I didn’t know I had. Much like my goal of one day taking up drawing again, there is a need to practice and see the good within the mess. Am I satisfied? Not fully. However, I’m working towards the goal of one day creating something that meets that goal.
February has been a decent month overall. Thankfully it started on a much brighter note as I discovered two pieces of media that gave me a whole heap of joy. Because I wrote essays on both, the most that I’ll say is that The Weeknd’s “Hurry Up Tomorrow” is a towering achievement of style and emotion that may rank as one of my favorite albums of the year; and Dog Man (2025) may be silly and ephemeral, but it’s the most hope I’ve had about society’s ability to look past flaws and see the good in others in a long time. The Dav Pilkey books are worth tracking down just because they exist on silver linings that can pick you up on the right day. They also have an incredible sense of slapstick and wordplay that disarms the more stubborn-minded people out there.
There was also The Grammy Awards, which I usually don’t have a lot of opinions on but am very excited with the direction that things went. While I’m waiting for Lana Del Rey to win… anything, I’m happy to see artists win for work that I’d consider great. Chief among them is Chappell Roan, whose Best New Artist acceptance speech became one of the highlights of the night and anointed her a talent to keep an eye on. More than watching large audiences do the “Hot To Go” dance at sporting events, it’s surreal to know that “Pink Pony Club” is no longer a sign that you got in early. Everyone seems to know the song. I’ve heard it on the radio a few times and the performance at The Grammys was such a delight. Between her and Billie Eilish, I’m realizing how relieved I am to have proudly queer artists populating the radio right now.. As pride flags are outlawed in front of government buildings, as the word “transgender” is attempting to be removed from American history, there is a need to remember that LGBTQIA+ people exist.
On a related note, I’m disappointed that I don’t get the “Brat” phenomenon. I remain a huge fan of “How I’m Feeling Now” and found it a personal achievement of self-expression and messy production. I’d even argue that “Brat” is the second best record that A.G. Cook was involved with last year. Maybe it’s that I don’t have that party girl mentality, but the Charli XCX record feels a bit try-hard and the subversiveness everyone praised it for wasn’t all that groundbreaking. More than just not getting a record, I think needing to make it a catchall was very confusing, especially in the case of “Kamala is Brat” which maybe doesn’t send the best message that your presidential candidate is a messy woman who is embracing her flaws. But hey, it was cool to see A.G. Cook vibing at The Grammys. Glad his post-P.C. Music career is off to a great start.
It hasn’t been a productive month for discovering new music, but there’s been a handful that I’ve picked up. Oklou’s “Choke Enough” (with another A.G. Cook sighting) isn’t likely to be a runaway favorite, but I love the atmospheric production and am curious to see how this’ll play as the months carry on and this shuffles with everything else. It also has collaborations with the great Underscores, so I’m sure it’ll stick around if just for that. Also, as dumb as it sounds, I’m a fan of “Life Is Beautiful” by 2 Chainz, Larry June, and The Alchemist. In general, I’ve become a big fan of The Alchemist’s production style (see: Earl Sweatshirt’s “Voir Dire”) and think what he does here is brilliant. It’s a nice vibe record that may be light on substance, but it makes you feel like you’re taking in the sea air while thinking about life. Maybe 2 Chainz isn’t the most insightful voice to turn to for that, but he still makes you feel good about everything. Finally, I need to listen to the new Saya Gray album. I enjoyed the “QWERTY” albums and am curious to see what she does with a fully realized project.
Other than that, my life is going okay. I’m doing what I can to center myself and get ready for a more productive March. Among the immediate things to look forward to is The Oscars. Despite my wavering love of campaign season behavior, I have always been a fan of the big, shameless celebration of all things movies. Even if there have been years where I have lacked enthusiasm for a lot of the nominees (such as this one), there is something to seeing everything play out and feel like you’re part of history. The joyful speeches are likely to produce a few memories and change as many lives. For as ephemeral as many see the award, I think it’s a unified way to recognize that media matters, that this is what the general consensus was on art at the time. In the best of situations, it symbolizes themes of the era.
More than that, this will be the first time I have met the Oscar host. As someone who got caught up in The Tonight Show scandal between Conan O’Brien and Jay Leno, I was eager to attend The Legally Prohibited From Being Funny on Television Tour. The evening was a lot of fun and captured everything that makes him a likable star. I won’t go into everything here, but there is a point towards the end of the performance where he performs a music number before running into the crowd to slap everyone’s hand. In that short moment, our paths intersected as I rushed from my seat to stand along the line with O’Brien running towards me. I have also had a friend who was prominently featured on The Tonight Show at least twice, though for private reasons I don’t think she’d want me sharing more details. Either way, there was a small jealousy I had that she got into that studio despite me requesting tickets several times in that show’s short history.
While my journey with O’Brien since has been all over the place, I do have a deep admiration for his work. With that said, I want to share something he said that changed how I saw the room. With his run on The Tonight Show coming to an end, he had that familiar chaotic run. Guests like Robin Williams and Adam Sandler were ribbing NBC for firing him. There was a sense that he’d end with a giant middle finger to the studio. As a result, his parting thoughts became one of the most essential moments of TV history for me up to that point.
So, what did he say? In a moment where he had the biggest amount of free speech he’d ever have, he asked the audience to not be cynical. He expressed gratitude for getting to host The Tonight Show at all and that he disapproved of cynicism. The need to look for the good in the world was necessary and that emphasizing the worst wasn’t a productive way to do things. I can’t emphasize enough how much that comment took me aback and made me think that I was looking at the whole thing in the wrong way. I shouldn’t have been bitter that Leno was coming back to host. If anything, it was a moment I should’ve been grateful a comedian I really liked got to host such an institutional show.
I haven’t been perfect with that advice, but I have been working towards that goal in the years since. It also explains why O’Brien continues to appeal to general audiences. He seems genuinely interested in entertaining crowds. I also think of the tour that I saw him on and realized that modern comedians probably would’ve turned the cancellation into their whole personality, asking everyone to pity them. At the end of the day, it was just an unfortunate circumstance. O’Brien understood that and I think his acceptance helped me learn that despite life being unfair, there was no point in stewing in the negative.
That is why I’m curious to know what he’s going to do for Oscar Sunday. As a first timer, he stands to set a precedent for what could be done in the future. Given his connection to late night, I’m sure he will do a great job, not dissimilar from Jimmy Kimmel, and really make the audience feel relaxed. For as much as I don’t care about most nominees, I’m still looking forward to the ways that Oscar Sunday celebrate the achievements of an industry that’s brought me joy for decades. I want to know what will join history.
There’s so much to look forward to in March. I don’t know what all that entails, but I’m hoping to be in a better head space when that time comes. For now, I will continue to slowly work towards a relaxed and happy state of mind. I’m sorry if this entry feels lacking for diversity or insight, but the past two weeks have been a journey trying to get out of my head and live more in the moment. I want to say that I’m doing much better, especially without social media to provide unnecessary setbacks. While Bluesky hasn’t been a source of too much grief, I am not taking any chances. I’m just enjoying the moment and finding what matters to me. I hope you’re doing the same.
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