[untitled essay]

There is one line that I feel summarizes the past decade of American ideology. Whereas some would point to cleaner, more efficient language, this line came from a would-be presidential nominee who went against the institutional norm. At the time, it was easy to laugh at because Republicans had yet to accept him as a nominee and, based on history, he had lost an election 16 years prior as a below-the-radar candidate. It’s an election that many have chosen to ignore, and it feels in hindsight like the perfect embodiment of what’s to come. It was a chance to ignore the facts, avoid the research, and just accept the calamity on display.

Around February of that year, I was an avid media consumer beyond excited to see who would succeed Barack Obama as president. I was so on board that I signed up to work the poll and take part in a tradition that the previous two generations of my family had participated in. I followed every news story like it was a numbers game, knocking down the pegs as it became clear that there would be controversies and surges that made a difference. In my mind, this would be an election just like any other, where the better representation of nobility would win over the people’s hearts.

For the first time, but not the last, I heard the line: “"If you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them.” He also said, “I promise you I will pay for the legal fees.” I’m not willing to bet he’s the first presidential nominee to threaten violence against his enemies, but he quickly became the most prominent in contemporary history that I studied. Here was a man who wanted to be Rambo running into a mass shooting to take out the enemy. Even in November 2016, when asked how he would respond to a potential concession, he said the all-too-menacing, “I’ll tell you at the time.” He was a man of TV and understood how to turn an election into sweeps week, even as what he pushed looked to be beyond the pale.

A lot has happened in the nine years since. I’m choosing not to highlight a lot of it because that’s not the point of this essay. He began his first term by wanting to end the “American carnage.” In that time, there were “good people on both sides.” He declared, “If the looting starts, the shooting starts.” There was a need to “fight like hell” or else “you won’t have a country.” I watched every hearing involved with The January 6 Commission because it gave me hope that something monumental was about to happen. Here were people abused by a system that they placed their careers and respect into, with some even having to enter the Secret Service because of death threats. There was catharsis in hearing what I took to be a government functioning like it should… at least until he tried to skirt his second term by including a line too dark even for a Doug Stanhope set. With everything that’s happened since he wanted to “knock the crap” out of the opposition, he claimed that his ultimate goal was to be “a peacemaker.”

I say all of this to suggest that my anxiety is not a new condition. It’s something that is steadily worse as I’ve entered my 30s and questioned more about life. A lot is the practical stuff that anyone should consider at some point. However, other considerations are found from current events providing something upsetting. That man sure knows how to knock the crap out of people. He used to be more subtle, but now it’s so explicit that I’m not totally sure an evolution could be done without mass extinction. It’s caused me to resent so many small pleasures that were afforded in a more nuanced period. This is an era defined by questioning everybody’s directness, and I’m not sure our youth stands a chance. In the great American experiment, we have failed. 

There’s a lot to love about living in Southern California. The diversity alone allows for a constant collision of perspectives, reminding others why they love living in this country. There is a desire to share with the community and blend the old with something new. It’s a beautiful region. When last year’s Olympics closing ceremony cut to California for the preview presentation, there was excitement in knowing that the world was seeing what made our coastal cities so unique. It was also there in the architecture, style, and music. Everything is so vibrant. This is a place of rich literature mythologizing the topography. For all its flaws, it’s hard to not be proud that this is my home.

This past Saturday, I was getting ready for another lazy day. Maybe I’d do yardwork or pop on CNN’s live broadcast of the George Clooney play Good Night and Good Luck. Whatever the case may be, I wasn’t expecting what happened next.

Around noon, I got a notification that I needed to turn on the news. With helicopters flying through the air, there was noticeable tension in the air. Finding a live feed on YouTube, I caught my first awareness of what was happening in my neighborhood.

By now, I’m sure that readers have heard about what happened in Paramount, CA. Let me start by saying that the Home Depot where the ICE Raid went down has been my ideal hardware store for most of my time here. On an ambitious day, I’ve been able to walk there in 20 minutes and take in the scenery. Everyone there has been nice to me. Zero complaints. I would go so far as to argue the beautification initiatives have made driving past a pleasant experience.

For larger context, this was Day 2 of an event that will live in infamy. On Friday, I became aware that ICE was in the region and targeting Home Depot locations. They were arresting people, no matter their level of citizenship, without any interference from local law enforcement. They held onto the excuse that federal forces outranked them and thus allowed to participate in “lawful” exercises that included shooting projectiles at peaceful protestors and making the very act of walking down the street less safe if you fit specific profile details. Given that reports of other states not being allowed due process only adds to the concern before considering that California is a sanctuary state and has had many top officials declare their opposition to the ICE Raids. 

This wasn’t a totally unpredictive text. For months, I’ve seen people associated with the administration create propaganda asking people living here illegally to leave and go through the process correctly. Those who didn’t would be fined a thousand dollars per day and risk worse punishment. This plays during the local news, itself as unbiased as a mainstream outlet is allowed to be. As far as I know, this is the first time in my adult life that a presidency has pushed such a naked agenda outside of election season. All in the name of trying to make America safer. Given other reports that there are daily “quotas” for deportation and threats of being stuck in notorious prisons overseas like Cecot, it’s hard to feel like anyone will be in this damn country come Christmas.

On some level, I assumed most of the action would’ve been in Los Angeles just because of its attractiveness. It’s always been the antithesis, the perfect foe to knock the crap out of. Even as California has turned steadily more conservative, here was a liberal mecca that openly spoke out against bigotry, where the only award given to him in Hollywood was a Razzie for Ghosts Can’t Do It (1989). There’s always been a subtextual rivalry on top of the fact that it’s a hallowed ground for immigrants looking for work and taking in the American Dream. Generations have made this region their home, and I can’t imagine Southern California without Latino influence. It’s a fact even Kendrick Lamar recognized when he made “GNX” a love letter to this region’s identity by including Deyra Berrera’s Spanish vocals on several tracks. 

Then again, the Home Depot in Paramount seemed like all too obvious of a hot spot. The city is over 80% Hispanic. You can’t drive down the street without hearing hip-hop and mariachi. Up the street is an El Pollo Loco, and a lot of people are still sporting Dodger blue after their World Series win last year. There’s a lot of pride and unity here. Go even further in and you’ll find swap meets and street food vendors that cater to more specific tastes. 

To be transparent, I watched the broadcast and felt deep sadness. While I wouldn’t call my city the safest, I haven’t been more concerned than I have in the past few days. I’m aware that I’m not “the target” here, but there’s still the reality that if the president can unleash an overpowering force without interference for this, then what’s to stop worse from happening? It’s become irrational. I think back to January when the president visited California in the wake of the wildfire events and, among his talking points, was that Democrats were not the party of “common sense” and that we should let residents move back into burn areas and turn on their hoses. I didn’t think it would take less than six months for me to miss him humoring our politicians, knowing very well that he hated our guts. Watching ICE officials shoot projectiles at innocent protestors while he stayed far away spoke to how much he was willing to hear from anybody on our side.

It hurts to watch. It hurts to think who could be kidnapped just to meet some self-appointed “quota.” How many of my friends that I’ve made over the past three decades will just “disappear” without me knowing why? In my heart, I’ve always favored a legislature that is made of compromise, that listens to both sides and finds a satisfying middle. I know that it technically hasn’t gone the way that The Founding Fathers intended (if ever), but I believe in the more perfect union, that The Constitution is a living, breathing document. There is a need to evolve and change with the times to appeal to the American melting pot. Maybe I’ve bought too much into the mythology, but so have those who get to July 4 and wear those bawdy striped hats eating hot dogs while listening to Sousa. There is something great about America… and it’s not knocking the crap out of everybody. 

I hate how much resentment has lived in my heart over the past decade because of one man. Even as I try to move towards hope, there are those fantasies of giving in and the catharsis of letting it all out. But I believe it wouldn’t be enough. To quote Ethel Cain, “If they strike once, then you just hit them twice as hard.” It’s as much a protective measure as it is a reminder that all of these social media essays declaring that x politician was “owned” is a lie. Everyone’s ego is bruised, but only for a minute. They’ll sling mud at you until there’s no Earth worth fighting for. The fact that a lot of our desire to “knock the crap” out of others no longer needs total provocation upsets me. We’ve lost the plot. We struck the president. Now we’re seeing how hard he’s willing to punch back.

This isn’t to say that I’m saying to tie your hands behind your back and give up. However, I think there should be some efforts made to achieve civil discourse if not for this current generation, then the next. I refuse to believe that things will always be receding to a worse version of itself. For as much as I can laugh at the incompetence, it all feels like a sad distraction. Who could care about Elon Musk being a miserable billionaire desperate for approval when children with fatal illnesses are at risk of losing resources over irrational means? Sure, it’s fun to mock the billionaires' flamboyance, but it all rings hollow when the neighborhood by your house now has a bunch of graffiti saying “Fuck ICE” across the landmarks serving as a reminder that nobody is safe anymore. I refuse to live in fear but, at the same time, who wants to visit The Fashion District if a boogeyman could loom in the shadow?

My heart goes as much out to the protestors as it does the employees who must navigate the crowds just to clock in and keep everything running. There are hundreds, if not thousands, who have been impacted by ICE’s presence that have nothing to do with their main goal. They are polluting our sense of community and joy. LA28 is only three years away, and I’m not sure this is the best marketing tactic for other countries to come and compete. 

I’m grateful for those who are standing up against the negative message being broadcast from D.C. that everything is violent and chaotic. As this country risks losing the right to peaceful demonstrations, I think it’s more important than ever to see people approaching key locations and making their voice heard. By listening, there is hope that somebody recognizes the empathy that we all can possess and that we’re stronger as a nation. There will always be agitators, but please don’t let them define the larger cause. Stay educated and recognize that the anger is warranted, but only in the need for change. It can’t be achieved by taunting California’s governor and suggesting he should be in jail. If this is what growing old does to a person, then I pray for Kevorkian when my time comes. 

It is disheartening to know that the president hates where I live. When he can’t be bothered to listen to others, what hope is there for the next three years? As much as we can all mock his unruliness, it’s a joy that can only come for so long. With that said, I attended a WNBA game on what would be Day 4 of the protests. Deep in the heart of Los Angeles, I sat among fans watching a very fun game. Even as a form of escapism, it was hard to not acknowledge the league’s history of standing up for causes. I sat in that very room and overlooked the BG42 design in 2022. Tonight, amid a match-up of two California teams, they showed the crowd dancing and having a good time. Still, nobody cheered more than when they showed the people flashing messages like “Melt Ice.” Given that we had heard helicopters while entering, it’s hard not to acknowledge how close matters remain. 

Even then, knowing that hundreds are sharing that opinion gives me some relief. Nobody knows how much longer this will last. Reports of an even bigger military force predated our departure for the venue. It all seems ridiculous and I hope that people listen to humanity and recognize that, yes, there are issues in this country, but there are better ways to resolve them than going behind others’ backs and picking fights with elected officials. There has to be a way to evolve and recognize that life isn’t a TV show. We don’t need to knock the crap out of everyone every night. In fact, I’m sure it’ll hurt after a while. The bruises this country has received over the past decade have been ugly and sometimes reprehensible, but my hope can be found in the people still willing to stand up and acknowledge that there’s a better way. I don’t know what it is, but the messaging is out there waiting to be taken seriously.