How I Live Now: June 2021

If anyone was to look at The Memory Tourist in Year 2, there would only be one word to describe it: chaotic. Oh sure, there’s not a whole lot that would suggest that I’ve taken a strong turn away from conventions, but as the front page (as of now) will show, I haven’t exactly done a whole lot since February. I made it to the end of the month and suddenly, things dissipated. I haven’t even hit a dozen articles over the three months since and I’m sure some were wondering if things would ever return to normal. I’ve done what I could to be transparent, especially regarding my depression and various private matters. I just didn’t have the will to publish content regularly, which makes July a special month.

As I outlined in The Re-Invention of The Memory Tourist, I am wanting to return to regularly scheduled programming. These months have been the least productive creatively for me, but only because I forced myself to deal with how I viewed myself. Privately, I couldn’t stop questioning things and doing everything to figure out the simple, often unobtainable answer “How do I get happy?” Turns out it involved a lot of research in psychology articles and forums while playing Courtney Barnett records. I don’t wish to go through everything that I did because, quite frankly, I’ve written about it three or four times now. This isn’t about what happened between March and May. This is How I Live Now, and the “Now” is all about June 2021.

To put it quite simply, I wanted to make my first involvement with Pride Month at least eventful. Oh sure, I wouldn’t be able to imagine myself at a parade or draping a rainbow flag while running down the street, but I’ve honestly wanted to become more queer over these past few months, and I wanted to do it without uprooting things that I’m proud of myself for. I am not a flamboyant person. For most of my life, I’ve existed as this autistic masker, someone who talks in code hoping that someone will notice one or two words out of place and think to ask me to elaborate. More than anything, I want people to listen, to be drawn in. It’s frustrating at times, but given that some people’s passive aggressiveness makes me feel this way already, it’s in some ways an approach to keeping myself amused, or at least knowing who the genuine people are.

To be completely honest, while I’ve been fairly open on The Memory Tourist about being demisexual, I haven’t been as open publically. It’s in part because asexuality is still new to me and I’m intimidated by what others would say. Who would honestly understand the split attraction model, that I still want romance in my life and that is still a GIANT question mark? I regret some of my behavior during this time because I’ve been insecure online sometimes to strangers. I think the idea of this being discreet in some ways made it feel like a gross secret, an invalidation, a flare up of imposter syndrome. After all, asexuality is about inactivity. Was I just fooling myself because I had been quarantining for over a year now?

On a private level, I am proud of being demisexual. It’s allowed me to be more secure in exploring other parts of myself, accepting that I’m not broken. Sure, it could change. But for now, those months of already feeling isolated, having to climb out of a bad dissociation episode by myself, were not my preferred way of determining this. The labels stuck around. They feel right. It’s been six months now, and I think that I’ll keep them for now. If nothing else, I have an ace flag and I’ve never been prouder to own a personal identity flag. 

But, what’s the big thing that makes Pride Month different from these past few months? Well, after all those months of keeping it a secret, I had one of those moments you are scared about but know that at best it will take a weight off your chest. Following a marathon of Pose, my sister and I had one of those nights of drinking that eventually lead to that conversation. It’s the one about what we have been up to in our daily lives. I forget how it came up, but suddenly I told her. It’s a moment where you just have to force yourself to say it. “I’m demisexual,” I said. She responded kindly.

This was the first weekend of June. After fumbling through promoting my own Memory Tourist post about demisexuality, I suddenly felt free. To know that someone out there actually heard me and validated it suddenly took away the pressure that I had felt online for months, wishing someone would accept me as queer. I feel like those that stuck around my Twitter respected me no matter what I said, but sometimes your perception versus reality is so skewered that you are your own worst critic. If you’re not being told certain things, you won’t believe that it ever happened. I needed this moment. It was so damn cathartic.

Comparatively, Pride Month was not always the most eventful period for me. Outside of small pockets of merch, I haven’t exactly altered my image that much. If anything, I have been enjoying the discourse around “rainbow capitalism” and watching YouTube personalities comment on Target’s atrocious variety. In other corners, I watched Film Twitter™ suggest all these great gay movies. I haven’t been as immersive as I wanted, but I have tried to explore a little bit each day, whether it be the phenomenal Funeral Parade of Roses (1969), the camptastic Pink Flamingos (1972), or even lesser known documentaries like Shakedown (2018), I wanted to expand my awareness. I even watched the FX docuseries Pride, which I highly recommend as a primer on the amazing history of the LGBTQIA+. If anything, it makes me want to go further down that rabbit hole. 

If I have any gripe, it’s that you don’t realize how strong ace erasure is until you watch local news programs. ABC7 did “Thrive With Pride,” which was respectful and inclusive for everything up through “Q.” I wouldn’t complain (especially since the Intersex community feels even less seen), but during the program, ABC7 recognized one of my favorite shows Everything’s Gonna Be Okay. They emphasized the male gay characters, even having Adam Faison on for a brief interview. Even in clips, they didn’t think to include a glimpse at the great marriage episode, which would’ve at least given the program asexual representation by proxy. Instead, they had a whole segment about how bisexuals are the invisible letter. Given that Loki just came out as bi, I have to roll my eyes in the most curvaceous of ways.

For what it’s worth, The WNBA not only had all the pride flags up in a recent game in Texas, but announcer Lisa Leslie mentioned every letter by name, which was nice.

While this month has been largely about accepting myself in ways that have been amazing, there have been a handful of other things that have made this month meaningful. For starters, I finally made my return to movie theaters with In the Heights (2021). The movie is incredible, maybe the most successful movie musical I have seen in over a decade. Is it perfect? I have a lot of things that I personally disagree with as far as adaptation, but director Jon M. Chu made the right calls when putting it to film, making the changes work to the medium’s advantage. I’ve seen it twice now and odds are that I’ll be doing it a third time before the end of its theatrical run. 

More than anything, I’m trying to get back into more joyful things. I’m trying to enjoy what life has been missing. This is in part benefitting from the quarantine starting to ease up, where I feel personally comfortable enough to go out and experience the world again. I still am not entirely sure where to go or what to do, but I saw Cruella (2021) in theaters and it was the first time since March 2020 that it felt normal to be in an auditorium. Even the people walking around during the film were oddly comforting. As it stands, I’m planning to ride out the month with my third theatrical experience of June with Zola (2021). It really does feel like my summer vibe.

Among other things that I achieved during this month was managing to get through a whole week of a jury duty summons without having to be called in. It’s not the act of courtroom action itself that bothers me, but the way that it throws off your whole week when you don’t know what tomorrow will be like. I like to think ahead, and not knowing if I had to drive downtown and sit before a judge at 8 AM was something that made it hard for me to act above a Jeanne Dielman-level energy the whole week. With that said, doing minimal chores allowed me to go to a nearby gas station and find the Chromatica Oreos. I have been looking for those babies for months, and I am SO SO thankful to have finally found them. I may go back for more.

On a personal note, my first major event regarding social gatherings involved driving to The Improv where I saw “Youth Pastor Ryan” Kelly and Ben Brainard do stand-up. I found them to be very entertaining and even got to meet them after the show. Ryan now owns my book “Esoteric Shapes,” and he seems like a genuinely nice person. He commented on my flannel and we had a good time. I wish those two nothing but the best of luck in their careers because they have really put in the effort over the past year. I hope to at least see Ryan again soon doing bits because I know he's local. There was also a third opener named Darius Bennett who was funny. I have to check him out sometime. 

With that said, I have officially released my second short story of 2021 with “Trunk Songs.” I hope that you enjoy it. Also, my second novel is shaping up for a late November/early December release. I have finished editing for grammar and continuity and am moving into the formatting stage sometime this Fall. I’m excited to be seeing things turn into a reality because I do believe it is a much stronger, more successful book than “Apples & Chainsaws,” though I’m proud of all three of my books. I may not show it much, but it’s because somewhere in my life having pride in my work was deemed inappropriate and it’s difficult to get past it. If anything, it makes the enthusiasm I see from people I talk to about it all the more rewarding. I’ve been recognized by Youth Pastor Ryan, Dan of The Aspie World, and Order of the Straight Arrow podcast. Each time was an uplifting experience. What about you?

Beyond this, I don’t really know what else to say. I’m sure that there’s plenty that I left out. I’ve enjoyed life having a flavor of normalcy to break up the dread I had two months ago when I feared that easing restrictions was going to end horribly. I’ve mentally improved so much in the past three months and that in itself is something I want to celebrate. I’ve done impulsive buying more than regular, including Lana Del Rey’s “Chemtrails Over the Country Club” and even Hustlers (2019) on DVD (side note, her significant other Bo Burnham’s new special hits too close to home for me so I kind of hate it because I can’t see the self-loathing as funny even if I appreciate his approach). I even bought a Space Jam: The New Legacy (2021) t-shirt for reasons that honestly escape me. I might need to slow down. 

If you haven't please check out Lorde's "Solar Power"

Still, this summer is going to be awesome. We have Lana Del Rey, Lorde, and Billie Eilish albums all out in the next two months. I enjoyed Doja Cat’s “Planet Her," and Tyler the Creator has something out there. I’m trying to get back into new music because while I think that I am not a good critic, I am still a fan of the new stuff. 

Also, I am excited to report that The NBA Playoffs have been amazing the past few months. I would be happy if any of the four teams still playing won The Finals. For me personally, this is a big moment for my guys in The Los Angeles Clippers. They’ve never gotten this far and that alone is worth celebrating. Also, The Atlanta Hawks were kind of great to watch solely because Trae Young is the Bart Simpson of basketball and beating up the old guards. 

If Pride Month was all about trying to take pride in me, my first year was successful. I am curious to see how the rest of this year goes and if my confidence in this identity continues to grow. I won’t say that I’ll emphasize it as much as I have in the previous posts, but do know that in some ways all parts of me inform my worldview.

If all things go according to plan, this will be my last month of irregular content. I apologize for the absence, but I’ve needed it to understand myself better. I won’t be returning the first week of July, but sometime towards the middle. From there I will be running every other week with the intent of producing regular content that is more thought out and appreciable to what I want The Memory Tourist to be. I think that it could work. I hope you’re there to join me. How am I living now? Much better than I have. If patterns hold, July will even be better than June and I’m excited about that.