Now that we’re over a third of the way through 2023, I must admit one thing. It’s been a rough year. My previous entry featured a lengthy rant about my ongoing depression and anxiety that held me back from appreciating life. The good news is that April ranks a little higher, but I can’t say by what metric. If you reached down into my soul, there is something more affirming about this period. I am less worried while at the same time realizing it might just be because I’ve forced myself to back away from corners that would overwhelm me.
Like last time, I am on an impromptu hiatus from Twitter, and I think it’s making a small difference. I don’t get caught up in the rat race that I find so addictive where you’re constantly looking at numbers, awaiting reactions, and picking up useless tidbits. It all creates this image that could be fascinating, but also fairly toxic. I think it’s why I’ve been on TikTok even less during this time even though I am curious to return following my graduation just to see if the app still has the seductive hold on me. There are a lot of great creators over there who have more savvy than I ever could. Thankfully, they are also on several other platforms, making it difficult to need TikTok in an immediate sense.
I am not one of those that loathes TikTok. I recognize limits for what the app can ultimately achieve. I think it’s a good way to share content and make friends, though I’ve slowly fallen into the old person camp of realizing how silly the copy-paste model is. It’s fine as a hobby, but a career it doesn’t make. Anyway, the app was helpful in introducing me to a lot of great content creators in the LGBTQIA+ and autism communities, so I can’t be too mad.
We are three paragraphs in and I already feel like I’m a tad waylaid. Anyway, April has been an eventful month. It’s my last full month as an on-campus student at CSULB. While I will have finals in May, I am approaching the end of my tenure as a student, and it will be bittersweet. By the time of the next correspondence, I will hopefully have walked on the field of Angel Stadium for Commencement and listened to whatever rah-rah speech they plan to give. There’s those who complain about not receiving diplomas at the ceremony, but I am 33 and tired of hours-long ceremonies where you sit around doing nothing. I’m happy for you, but let’s get this moving.
At some point in the near future, likely Fall, I do plan to do a lengthy retrospective on my years in school. There’s no real purpose for it other than I believe it will provide insight and possibly even closure for me. I’ve been a student of some sort for most of 25 years. It’s going to be quite a bitter pill to swallow as I enter the next stage. I cannot confirm a timetable for that. Without getting into specifics, I have personal matters that are likely to be very time-consuming in the months ahead, and need to plan accordingly. The same shall go for the website which I would love to see get back to a normal schedule but is stuck in a hectic battle for my attention against more important foes.
Let’s see… April 6 was International Asexual Day and I hope you thanked the aces in your community for existing. If not, you got another shot this Fall when we’re getting a whole week to do whatever we want. One suggestion is to do what I did and support ace creators. In my case, I bought “We Are Changed to Deer at the Broken Place” by Kelly Weber. There was a Sounds Fake But Okay episode where Weber was interviewed and I really enjoyed the discussion of her poetry. Like most Alice Oseman, I’m planning to save it for when I need that feeling of recognition in my life. Still, it’s a book of poems that explores an aro-ace non-binary identity in ways that sound promising. I can’t wait for it to arrive in the mail.
While I am busy supporting queer art, I want to give a shoutout to Aranock’s excellent new video on a lesser-known Allison Bechdel text called “Are You My Mother?” The way she discusses the interfamilial relationship of Allison with her mother and how it parallels her own life is deftly handled and really speaks to me. It’s also a reminder that I need to one day do more than cry over Fun Home and actually read her work because she sounds fascinating and introspective in ways that will really connect with me. Similarly, I’ve been meaning to watch Aranock’s Queer Relativity video for a few months now (it’s two hours and I’m trying to manage it in 1-2 sittings).
To shift only slightly, I am proud to now count myself as one of those who has seen Bros (2022). As someone whose first real “community” awareness of media backlash was Happiest Season (2020) and its portrayal of coming out, I am new to the discourse. With that said, I did find the Billy Eichner side of this debate a tad exhausting and not always satisfying. Maybe it’s that I never got into Billy On the Street, but he was a divisive figure for me going in. I’m also someone who struggles to clamor for the chance of a gay version of a romantic comedy, which on some level feels more like unproblematic assimilation than authenticity. It could just be that it was never my favorite genre growing up, but I didn’t want to see gay men acting out the tropes one by one just to achieve crossover. Well that, and I’ve seen dozens of queer cinema and TV on an annual basis that I greatly prefer to mainstream alternatives. Kudos to Eichner for trying to bridge the gap, but whereas I would want something like Weekend (2011), I’d have to settle for Will & Grace jokes.
All in all, the film met certain criticisms from me. Eichner’s panic was justified in a lot of respect, but I still felt the film suffered in the same way that Go Fish (1994) did, where it’s a “something for everybody” discourse approach than a more centralized story. I guess it’s on one level personal in that its central romance was beautiful, but everything around it felt doomed to be lacking, where you have to please everyone in the acronym (thanks for the asexual flag easter egg… I guess). Ironically, in the process, it felt like a coastal elite type of gay movie despite that and I think works against itself in the way most New York eccentrics can be. Again, it felt more like Eichner’s personal checklist of talking points. Some of them are cathartic and others build character, but others make me realize that studio comedies have rarely felt entirely engrossing and this is not the fault of Bros alone.
With that said, I really do come away liking when it’s allowed to be a love story. While the idea of two men expressing their vulnerability isn’t new to me, there is that timeless warmth of seeing their comfort together. They are allowed to coexist in manners that feel free of outside judgment and make jokes that straight creators couldn’t. Even the sex scenes are nuanced and intimate enough that it’s not entirely about eroticism and more about those moments of bonding in between. Yes, it has the cornball earnestness you expect a romantic comedy to have and I think it strives for too much, but when you find those moments where Eichner’s intentions shine brightest, you get why he did it. There’s something respectable about an approach as flawed as the “something for everybody” approach, but it can feel good to be seen. It’s one of those moments where you take representation for granted just because independent cinema is leagues better at this stuff. As the old joke went in 2015 with gay marriage but this time with romantic comedy, it’s important to let the gays be as miserable as the rest of us.
I’ll end the LGBTQIA+ talk on a more upbeat note than I usually do. Yes, the times are grim and there are days where knowing what homophobia and transphobia are out there bothers me. Every new piece of hateful legislation eats at me and I think, selfishly, I’ve had to ignore the news some days just so I can focus on getting through life in one piece. I get the fringes of it, but I don’t have the heart to be more concerned, not when I struggle in so many other mental health ways right now. I’m sorry. I still try to promote good causes and stand against hate where I can. Hell, the albums I’ve been putting on a lot lately are Ethel Cain and 100 Gecs.
But I must finish this section by talking about Hairspray. I tell you, I never realized how radical the show was until I saw it live. It’s not so much that the text was changed, but it’s the first time I had to really question what it’s saying beyond the obvious talking point of race. It makes me understand John Waters’ quote that Hairspray was the most radical thing he ever did because it brought discussion of racism and drag into schools. He’s not wrong. There are other facets of self-acceptance mixed in and even the central characters are some forms of delinquents. To see Nina West playing Edna during these tumultuous times was overwhelmingly beautiful for me because of how unapologetically she’s written. The drag brings out her humanity and it works. Having a room clap for stuff like that is a lot more encouraging than you’d expect. It’s the type of night that makes you see the good in the world and think that things will one day change for the better. It’s celebrating identity without schmaltz. It’s a fun show and I can’t deny how thrilling I found every minute. The social media may be less encouraging (bigot talking points are there) but this was the morale booster I’ve been needing.
In less flattering news, NBA’s Playoff Season has started and it’s not going how I wanted. More than anything, I am saddened to learn that The Los Angeles Clippers have failed to make it to the next round convincingly. You must be foolish sometimes to be a Clippers fan it seems, and having your star player, Mr. King of L.A. as he was once called, Kawhi Leonard only play two playoff games feels a little embarrassing. Given his load management issues over the season, it’s especially disappointing how he’s that 10% that could help them win, and yet he remains injured. I at least understand Paul George, who has given his all most nights. With that said, it’s nice to see Russell Westbrook taking a leadership role even if I think he’s not a great closer. Elsewhere, it’s annoying that The Lakers will move further, but that’s the risk you take having silly rivalries, I guess. It’s also not fair that their gameplay has been so much more fun to watch lately.
To jump around, I would like to briefly talk about other things that I have been watching. April was an amazing month for week-to-week programming. If you’re not watching Yellowjackets, Barry, and Succession then I highly encourage you to. Succession in particular is going out with an amazing and graceful swan dive. There’s also Riverdale, which isn’t doing anything too revolutionary or exciting compared to last season where they took on the devil for the soul of the town, but it’s still a show I’m going to miss dearly when it leaves. Against my better judgment, I’m also a fan of the FX series Dave so take with that what you will. Also, Somebody Somewhere is officially back, and I couldn’t be more thrilled since it’s one of my recent favorite comfort watches.
There’s one new show that I have been more excited about. Dead Ringers is an adaptation of the David Cronenberg movie and, surprisingly enough, a book based on a true story of twin male gynecologists. I don’t know how much is true anymore, but they’re now played by the impeccable Rachel Weisz, and hoo boy is it a lot of fun. It’s the first medical show I’ve watched since The Knick and while it’s not quite there for me, it’s still a weird time that delivers some punchy dialogue and excellent Weisz performances. While I can’t say that I’ve been enamored with everything that I’ve seen off Amazon Prime lately – still haven’t gotten into Daisy Jones and the Six – they have piqued my interest between Dead Ringers and Swarm which are both destined for favorites list somewhere down the line.
Speaking of favorites list, I have decided to give myself an Album of the Year account. I doubt that I will use it as carefreely as Letterboxd, but I did publish a list of 50 albums I really like if you’re curious to learn more about me. I mostly know about the website through music YouTubers like Brad Taste in Music and CDTV Productions. Another fun thing is this past month, the latter gave me a shoutout. CDTV did it on his live stream while he was listening to Lil Xan’s notoriously bad “Total Xanarchy” for over eight hours. I was so happy to witness such a strange moment even if I was constantly in and out just because of the thrill of not knowing how long this madness would go on or how long “Diamonds” would be replayed (it was nearly three hours worth).
I’ve also found a few albums this past month that I wouldn’t mind recommending. Most notable among them is Blondshell’s self-titled debut. Given that it’s a mix of 90s-style rock with modern Jewish girl humor, it’s totally up my alley and has enough catchy moments to add to the rotation. I really enjoy what she’s going for regarding her candid study of relationships and identity alongside everyday struggles. It’s a lively record with plenty of humorous moments. While I didn’t talk about it last month, there’s also Boygenius’ self-titled album. I may not quite love it as much as the artists involved’s other work, but I think the warm hug vibes go a long way towards making it an easy and irresistible record to just put on. Whatever it is, “True Blue” just really gets me swaying and just feeling good about life. There’s also the left field favorite by Yaeji called “With a Hammer” which is such a fun sonic adventure and a candidate for favorites of the year.
I’m also going through a significant Olivia Barton phase again. I am a big fan of “This Is A Good Sign” and have found that they’ve done a new song with Corook called “If I Were A Fish” that’s plenty of fun. Not to be condescending, but it reminds me of what makes the Juno (2007) soundtrack so timeless for me. It’s jubilant in its simplicity and doesn’t sound all that complicated. It’s pure unadulterated happiness with a catchy chorus to boot. Barton’s music in general hits that sweet spot of capturing a stream of consciousness view of their own life with excellent acoustic production and a cheerful disposition in storytelling.
Shocking everyone, I’ve even made time to finally go out and see a movie. While I’m not the most diehard Ari Aster fan, I have been curious to see where his career goes. Beau Is Afraid (2023) is his latest and teams him up with Joaquin Phoenix in top form. I love what he does with epic structure. I find it to be one of his most confusing, anxiety-inducing projects yet. I love being trapped in his world and trying to make sense of why he chose the impulsive details that he did. It’s so alive with these small moments that makes me admire what cinema can do without restraints. I hope Aster never gets shackled to a studio project because it does feel like something could be lost. I’m so eager to explore this film and may do a longer piece on it in the future. Beyond that, I’m just grateful to have a reason to go back to theaters after months of feeling underwhelmed by every option out there besides Women Talking (2022). It’s disappointing that Showing Up (2023) despite an admirable marketing push on podcasts never actually showed up to a wide release. I get that people like crowd pleasers, but it’s so boring when that’s all you’re allowed to escape with.
Something tells me that this month’s entry is a bit scattershot and impersonal. If that’s how it comes across, I sincerely apologize. As much as I’ve tried to focus on personal work, there’s not a lot that I feel comfortable sharing at this time. It’s a moment when I have my nose in a book (or should) and haven’t really given myself much time to stray. I’m emotionally stronger than I was last month and have more optimism about where the future is going. I’ve got an imperfect map, but I hope it’s full of eventfulness. There’s a lot to be thankful for, and I can only hope that reveals itself very soon.
Besides my graduation, I should briefly note that Tony Nominations are within striking distance by the time you read this. I am thrilled to see what makes the cut. As a fan of Parade and Kimberly Akimbo, I am rooting hard for them to show up. Other than that, I’m curious to see if anything piques my interest from the rest. Is Bad Cinderella going to make the list, or what about &Juliet? I’m not excited for either, but then again whatever gets people into live theater has always been a plus in my book. As I showed earlier, going to see Hairspray was enough to lift my spirits for a few hours.
Whatever comes will hopefully bring a sunnier disposition. My hope is to potentially be in a better place mentally by June and possibly return to Twitter. I’ve heard nothing but negative fuss over there so I’m not that much in a rush, but I do miss a lot of people over there. I’ll admit that taking time away from these places has allowed me to see how silly some of the discourse is. On other points, I simply feel inferior for not knowing what’s going on. Still, I want to believe that what’s important has reached my ears. The world’s too chaotic sometimes for my liking but I think it’s just as important to recognize the good that’s being done to combat it. It’s a complicated, frustrating time, but hearing from compassionate people has given me hope. Let’s try and keep it coming. Take care of yourselves and those you love. It’s hard right now, but it’s more than worth it.
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