How I Live Now: August 2023

For most people, the end of August is a bittersweet period. In popular culture, it’s one of the great markers of youth, where you say goodbye to frivolous fun and prepare for the academic potential of The Fall. The memories are now complete. There’s nothing to do but start planning for your future. Whereas July is indebted to an endless party where the radios play hit song after hit song, August is neither the outright celebration nor the complete dismissal. It’s the last go for broke moment before everything starts back up and reality sets in. To me, it’s a busted-up version of July, but I still would argue that it’s got some charm.

When I last wrote, I mentioned that July was my favorite month of 2023 so far. It was for good reason. I had a birthday. I was hanging out at movie theaters every week. I even went on a camping trip. For what it’s worth, there was a part of me that was able to escape the trappings I sometimes find myself in. There was a chance to recognize the beauty of the world, to appreciate what it meant to be alive. August had that as well, but not nearly as much as I’d like. Maybe it’s just how I perceive the world (and more myself) but after a period of highs, I think that I have come back down and am trying to process if the current feeling is an average or a low. While this isn’t the worst I have ever felt, I still think that I end this era with a small piece of melancholy lodged in my head.

A lot of it could just stem from the fact that I am taking being 34 a bit too existentially. Whereas 33 can still be considered “Early 30s,” I am now in my “Mid-30s” period and am recognizing how soon 40 is coming. It scares me. For all that I have done, for all that has made me a confident and better person, something about “Mid-30s” is just gutting me right now. I understand it has only been a month, but I think it comes as a byproduct of being almost exclusively 30 during a pandemic, where a lot of progress felt lost to quarantine and mental health worsening. There have been times where I wonder if I’m experiencing mood swings this month, even wondering why I so willingly project criticisms onto myself. What is going on with this roadblock that is “Mid-30s”?

The largest part, most likely, is that after the contact high of July, I am now having to make plans for my future. While I am happy to report that I have been narrowing down ideas of a career, there isn’t any permanence yet. I don’t have the comfort of feeling like my writing is validated by anyone. Even when I was a paid writer (short stories not included) there was some sense of fraud because I was writing some of the worst content of my life. Those paychecks were nice, but it really warped my perception of actual progress. I’m also taking on various projects that require me to be self-reflective on my past and it’s caused occasional discomfort to analyze. Still, I think some days I’m just asking how I move on and not feel like I’m behind my peers. I have all this talent, but my marketing skills could be better. What am I even doing with my life?

At points, I do worry that I give off the projection that my life is miserable. It is true that mentally some days I struggle to see the good in my life. That isn’t to say that I don’t get up and do things that better the world around me. It just takes more effort to see that as the ultimate gain and not a need to express myself as sad. I fight the urge of a victim complex because it does me no good despite also recognizing that suffering might trigger people to show more compassion to you. While I ultimately find myself realigning with rational thoughts, my brain can’t help but want to push further just with the hope that somebody gives me a hug and says, “Everything will be okay.” There are better, more direct, ways to get that hug. I just need to work on that.

But yeah, it’s been a crazy month otherwise. Before I start digging into the good stuff, I thought that I’d shift a little bit into some odd trends as of late. In the week that this was released, California was hit by Hurricane Hilary. It’s a historic moment, marking only the second time since 1939 that a west coast storm has hit The United States. I am relieved to say that my area of Long Beach was not greatly impacted. I went for a walk the following day and found that everything had returned to normal. However, sympathies do go out to those areas more impacted by the hurricane, including up in the mountains where a lot is currently in disarray. Godspeed. 

There is also some sad irony to be found in the fact that while Hurricane Hilary managed to cover a large area, it managed to miss Washington, specifically Spokane. I say this because as everything is going on, Spokane is currently experiencing wildfires. I have family who lived in the area (not sure if it’s still true) and can only hope they’re staying safe. Similarly, my heart goes out to Hawaii, specifically Maui as they deal with their own unprecedented wildfires that wiped out a significant portion of the island. Many are still missing and presumed dead. Given that there’s the suggestion that they’re kids who were sent home on the day of the fire, it makes the whole thing even more gut-wrenching. Again, I would like to give some love to those dedicating their services to making the recovery easier, including a woman I knew in high school.

The next part of this section is a bit more uncomfortable to talk about. In light of recent debates, I feel like it’s important to remind everyone that it’s a scary time for The LGBTQIA+ Community. Basically, Florida continues to be a looming threat to human dignity, even forcing schools to learn biased and discriminatory versions of history. While their bans have greatly impacted everybody’s well-being, I think it’s more important to notice that this isn’t just attacking red states. As much as I want to believe it’s worse off in those areas, I recognize that California is having their own bad run of events. Even if I believe that Governor Gavin Newsom is ultimately on the side of good, it doesn’t stop the fact that on a local level, people are getting a bit too bold.

For example, a trans man named Emmett Brock was beaten by a Los Angeles police officer last month. The story itself is brutal, so be warned. Even then, there’s been brutality in other ways. There have been riots over June being recognized as Pride Month. School boards are having meetings over removing Harvey Milk’s name AS A FOOTNOTE in the activists sections of textbooks. Orange County refuses to fly the pride flag in front of government buildings. Hell, you can even put the Target controversy on that list even if it’s not California-specific. I’ve even noticed that in The NBA’s recent season announcement of “theme nights,” they failed to mention a Pride Night. As much as I want to believe that California is more of a bastion for tolerance, it does feel like the erasure is finally happening. I know it’s worse in other states, but given how regionally close this is to me, it makes me a little bit scared even if I live in a city that has rainbow-painted crosswalks and lifeguard stations.

And of course, there’s one of the scariest parts of all. Given that we’re not that far removed from The Club Q Shooting, the idea of murdering innocent people who align themselves with LGBTQIA+ ideology is disturbing. Lauri Carleton in Cedar Glen, CA owned a shop called Mag.Pi. She waved a pride flag in front of her store. She was an ally and, from all reports, a welcomed member of the community. The murderer was a young man who was known to tear that flag down, even posting pictures online of said flag burning. Recently his family said he went missing only to wind up at Mag.Pi where he openly murdered her. 

And for what? Putting a pride flag in front of her business? I have a lot of respect for Carleton for being an ally who likely did her part to make people feel welcome in the community. What hurts is that this is the reality that The United States is living in. So much has been lost by bigotry and violent threats. My sense of safety is disappearing along with it. Even if this would be terrible anywhere in the world, having it in California, let alone almost 90 miles from where I live, is just terrifying. What’s to stop someone from stopping by Long Beach and ruining next year’s pride parade? Where is the justice? I understand that we collectively agree that there’s a transgender genocide going on right now, but there’s so much else that is emerging that makes it difficult to turn on the news at night.

My heart goes out to Carleton’s family and friends. She doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment. Nobody does. It is terrible that we’re backsliding into the worst that humanity can offer. I’m not strong enough to read comments for the fear that sociopaths will only instill more, making me feel immobile. 

This is difficult to not sound out of touch with what I just said, but it’s the major reason that I felt excitement at Gwen Stacy being coded trans in Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023). Less so if it’s true or not, there is just this wish fulfillment I need to have queer people be seen as heroes, compassionate enough to help the community regardless of personal identity. As thrilling as it is that Barbie (2023) is coded asexual and teaching general audiences about feminism, Gwen Stacy is an archetype that makes me believe in the good of the future, which I really need right now. I’m not wanting a Frank Miller Batman who takes the law into his own fascistic hands. I just want someone willing to listen and find a better solution that’s more than submissively beating the bad guy.

It won’t stop reality from being a mess. As much as there’s good in the world, it’s sad to note that I mostly find optimism in fiction. I find it in the recent Christine and the Queens album, which the more that I think about it saved me from a personal black hole. I am grateful for those who speak out and make a difference. 

Thank you. I also think that Gender Reveal has been a warm hug for a lot of weeks lately, so thank you Tuck Woodstock for that. I especially loved the Nicole Maines episode if you’re looking for some recent goodness. 

With that said, I would like to shift a little bit to another queer-themed piece of media that has meant a lot to me. I finally read Elliot Page’s “Pageboy” and found myself enamored with every revelation. Maybe it’s because of how attached I was to Page when I was 18 watching Juno (2007) in theaters, but he has come to mean a lot to me over the decades. In this case, I was emotional over his exploration of loneliness as he struggled to accept his identity. He speaks with such maturity and honesty that I can’t help but admire him more. More than anything, he chronicles the struggle of being gay in an industry that until recently (and still debatably) rejected queer artists from being their authentic selves. I think it delves into a lot of personality reasons that I always liked him as a person, but most of all it just reminds me of how a struggle may be terrible, but it can lead to better days if you allow yourself to see them. The way he expresses euphoria in this is breathtaking. Thank you for this book, Elliot Page. I loved it.

While I recognize this section has gone on a little long, I thought that I’d briefly mention that I have also been checking out the early works of Cheryl Dunye. She is best known for The Watermelon Woman (1996) and deservedly so. It’s a masterful study of intersectionality in the 1990s. However, I was curious to see her form her voice and I’d argue that what she’s produced was revelatory and makes me long to dig even more into 90s queercore. I’m familiar somewhat with Gregg Araki, but Dunye feels more formed. She mixed documentary style with confessionals and fiction in such a way that it felt like we were getting exposure to her personal life. It’s beautiful stuff and very funny. While I am not well-versed in the lesbian community, having filmmakers like Dunye give these glances into it is very useful in helping build empathy and normalizing their own absurd views on dating and life.

To begin shifting, I am proud to announce that The Hives have released their first new album in 11 years. I have been some level of a fan since middle school a near 20 years ago when I first got “Veni Vidi Vicious” as a graduation present. It’s one of the rare records that I would play on repeat and then have its sequel “Tyrannosaurus Hives” play even more. I took the time to listen to their entire discography and think that they’re just as brilliant now with their mix of poppy hooks and confusing song premises. With that said, “The Death of Randy Fitzsimmons” is one of those welcomed returns that you can’t get from a lot of bands. It feels organic and honest in such a way that I’m excited just listening to it. As sad as I am to learn that Dr. Matt Destruction left the band over health conditions, I still think they got that wild mix of bass solos and breakdowns that just hit my sweet spot. It’s not their best record, but it’s so much better than it has any right to be.

Elsewhere, I have been listening to a lot of The Roots music. While it stems from the fact that a car commercial features “The Seed (2.0),” it’s also a general curiosity that I’ve had for decades now. Like most records of the time, I first discovered “Phrenology” through the reviews pages of Rolling Stone and Spin. The cover was interesting and something about the band has kept my curiosity for those decades. I’m proud to say that while I’m not obsessive with the band, I have also listened to “Things Fall Apart” and “The Tipping Point” and fallen more in love with what they’re doing. The live instrumentation really does make a difference and I think that Black Thought is a very compelling M.C. that also gives enough consideration to his rhymes. 

I would like to give a shoutout to Amaii’s “I’ve Seen Better Days.” I first discovered them through their recent E.P. called “In the Eleventh Hour,” which I had trouble getting into. However, I was always curious to check out more because there’s something about hyperpop and glitchcore that I find endearing. This is one of those glitchcore records that I especially liked because it conveys loneliness and stray thoughts in such a way that it’s beautiful in its chaos, finding something approaching the clarity of a distracted mind. Definitely one of the better records I’ve heard as of late. There’s also this great new record from Laura Groves called “Radio Red” that I think stands to be one of my favorite records of the year.

I’ve also been perusing a few TV series. The most noteworthy is, of course, Reservation Dogs which has consistently been one of my favorite series. This has only grown more since taking my Native American Literature course last year. It opened my eyes to a lot of experiences that I hadn’t considered and enhanced certain subtexts within the series. One of my favorite things is how the show can jump around and do different things in each episode. They recently did a story about boarding schools, and I’m grateful that they did it before things came to an end. I personally think it’s an important story that’s worth sharing. It’s a dark part of American history and one that isn’t as far gone as we’d like to believe. Survivors of that assimilation are still around and suffering the psychological side effects of being told at a young age they were inadequate. I would encourage anyone who saw that episode and was interested to do more research. Another great take is the play “Indolent Boys” by M. Scott Momaday which I think is given more of a chance to explore the ideas in detail. I’m grateful that I took that class because every month something comes up that reminds me about something the teacher said and I’m glad to have that insight. I’ve even been picking up indigenous literature when I go to bookstores. Just picked up a few by Louise Erdrich – including a used signed copy! I’m hoping to expand my awareness in the years to come.

I would also like to touch on another interesting thing that I’ve seen on TV. Because of their unique licensing deal, Jeopardy! has decided to do reruns on PlutoTV. It’s a valuable source for those who want a glimpse of yesteryear or just want to remember the timelessness of Alex Trebek. Recently they did a weekend run of the Ken Jennings episodes and it’s amazing to see him in his prime. It was a different time for the series as a whole, but the competition ages like fine wine. I mostly caught the middle portion, but the way he enthusiastically got into the competition is so adorable. I personally think it’s clear why he’s the most famous Jeopardy! champion in history. It’s more than the numbers. He’s just elated to be doing trivia. He isn’t like Arthur Chu or James Holzhauer who found ways to strategize the point value. He simply had a focus that was unmatched. I miss him being able to compete, but I would argue he’s been making a great host and the perfect heir apparent to Trebek. Still, if you ever get to watch Jennings in his prime, I recommend checking it out. It’s something that never goes out of style.

Finally, I’m sad to know that Riverdale is officially over. While it never amounted to the best-written show on television, it was on a very specific wavelength that brought me joy and taught me to just enjoy the absurd. Who cares that these teens have been through high school twice now? I’m still going to miss every dumb thing they ever did. You don’t realize how much you’ll miss chaotic TV until it’s taken away from you. All in all, it was the one comic book series that actually embraced its infinite possibilities without shame, and I respect the hell out of it for that alone.

To shift again, I am proud to say that I am one of those who has now seen Sabrina Ionescu twice. In what seems to be an annual tradition, my family went out to a WNBA game. Because of how things worked out, we went to see The Los Angeles Sparks play The New York Liberty. In what has turned out to be the underdog story of the year, The Liberty is currently ranked second in the league and has some amazing numbers in every game. I am especially a fan of Breanna Stewart and think that she’s been an excellent addition to the team. Just to spread the love, I am reminded how much I enjoy Dearica Hamby playing for The Sparks. While it’s sad that they couldn’t make things work with The Las Vegas Aces, I think Hamby is a nice fit for the team.

The Liberty won the game. However, the thing that’s especially interesting is that my sister chose to find seats by the tunnel. The goal was to meet Ionescu, whom she’s a big fan of going back to her days playing for Oregon. Things worked out as she now has an autograph and briefly appeared on her Instagram page. All in all, I had a great day and it was complemented by a just as enjoyable game. I also got very close to Sparky, who is a very cool mascot. To close out The WNBA section, I want to touch on the fact that The Commissioner’s Cup game against The Aces was a fun time and definitely gets me excited for where things will go in the months ahead.

Finally, I want to touch on The NBA and share my relief that it’s looking less and less likely that James Harden is joining The Los Angeles Clippers. I am grateful for that.

And, lo and behold, it’s also time for college women’s volleyball again. I have recently applied for an alumni card and am looking forward to getting discounts on local games. With that said, I went to an exhibition game against Pepperdine and had a fun afternoon. I’ll admit that CSULB is a bit uneven, but that’s to be expected this early in the season. Still, I’m excited at the thought of having my weekly Friday rituals of volleyball games to watch again. It’s a fun sport and one I’ve only grown to appreciate more as last season went on. I’m hoping for good things this year and that I can see men’s play in person. Given that we finished in the Top 5 last year, I want to believe we will still have that magic.

What else can be said other than August was a complicated month. I had a lot that I loved about it, but it still came with one or two struggles. Still, I hope that it prepares me better for September and whatever lies ahead in the summer afterward. Hopefully, by the time I reconvene, I will have seen Bottoms (2023) because as a big Rachel Sennott fan I’ve been ecstatic every time I see the trailer and want only the best for my Shiva Baby (2020). It also helps that Ayo Edibiri is having an excellent year and I’m sure will be very funny in it. If nothing else, she was great in Theater Camp (2023) and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem (2023), so this month has been good to her. 

Other than that, I am hoping to be further ahead in job hunting along with various other writing projects. If all works out, I will continue this path forward and find plenty to be happy about. I’ll admit that while I came off as a little bit skeptical this month, it’s in part because I hate living in the unknown like this. A writer’s life is always unknown to some extent, but I want to believe CSULB was the morale booster I needed to get me looking for a job confidently. 

Because, more than anything, there is one thing that I am very excited about. Like, very VERY excited about…

LANA DEL REY IS GOING ON TOUR, Y’ALL!

My beloved is hitting the road. Given how much I love “Did You Know That There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd.” I think that it will be a good time to see her. I should write with the caveat that as of right now she’s only doing east coast shows. However, I want to believe that there’s more in the near future. I need to be there. Maybe we won’t make So-Fi Stadium turn into an earthquake like Taylor Swift fans, but I’m sure we’ll find our own way to rock the house. I heard she’s got a new song on Jon Batiste’s record. So much to look forward to, especially if it’s as good as “Candy Necklaces.”

That is the one thing that I’m not all that sure about. September is a great big mystery for me. Basically, the only thing I know is that I am going to see The Book of Mormon for the third time at some point. It’s a great show and I’m going with a good friend. Shortly after is Les Misérables, which is even higher on my list of favorites. Other than that, I’m hoping to find stability and happiness. I’ve bought new clothes and feel that I look better, so I’m hopeful that anything can happen.

And that is all from me. I recognize that these have been getting longer and longer in recent months, and I’m not sure if I should apologize for it. I like to think that it’s more balanced and less directly just me complaining about personal struggles. I’m just trying to stay productive and inspired so you’re seeing a lot of behind the scenes for that. 

So anyway, I close by saying that I hope everyone out there is being safe. It’s a scary time and I recognize that it’s hard to maintain hope. I’m doing what I can and hopefully being as respectful as I can in the process. We deserve to treat each other with dignity. I’d like to think we have a turn of events this Fall and things begin to get a little bit better. It’s not going to be easy, but hopefully, we at least try. Take care of yourselves. Most of all, be happy. Don’t let them take that away from you. The world’s a lot and having you in it makes things a little bit better.